12 Steps To Teaching Your Parents That Sleep Is Unnecessary.

By Amy
(Mummy thinks I am sleeping at the moment. Little does she know)

A good baby knows that long sleeps are unnecessary, I myself can survive another 2-3hrs on as little as 10mins sleep. I have, however, been training for 14mths. The sole idea though, is to keep your parents awake as long as possible. The average mummy cannot survive on the amount of sleep that we can, so I have come up with 12 steps to teaching your parents that sleep is unnecessary.

Be warned, this sleep regime is not for the weak hearted of babies and toddlers, it is upsetting to watch your mummy cry, but it is for her own good.

Step One – The Morning

This is the first step to keeping Mummy awake. You need to wake up at 5am, bright as a button. Yell, squeal and cry until Mummy releases you from your prison. Your good mood needs to last approximately 2hrs.
After your good mood has worn off, you need to cling to Mummy (or Daddy, whoever gets up to you of a night time) for as long as possible. If she stands up, cry. If she sits down, cry. The ideal situation is to get Mummy holding you, while standing up and rocking. Resist all attempts to lay you down in Mummy’s arms, you don’t need sleep remember?

Step Two – The Catnap

At about 11am you need to take a catnap. Preferably in Mummy’s arms. As soon as you feel Mummy start to put you down, wake up. You are wide awake now and don’t need a sleep. Repeat every hour or so.

Step Three – Mealtimes

Complain as loudly as you can when Mummy tries to strap you into your highchair. Food is a priority, but all meals should be eaten sitting on Mummy’s lap. Make sure you disrupt all meals that Mummy may be trying to eat. If Daddy is around he may try to cut Mummy’s food up and feed it to her, instead of letting this happen, you need to grab the fork or spoon and pull it to your own mouth.

Step Four – The Arsenic Hour

Commonly called Suicide Hour by some Mummy’s, Arsenic Hour (with capitals) is the perfect time to play up. You haven’t had a proper sleep all day (see step two) and your eyes are gritty. Do NOT let Mummy put you down. If you give in now, you will be making it even harder for her to learn to attend you. This is all for her own good remember? Scream, cry, cling, grizzle and grot until 6pm at least. You can continue this step until you feel your Mummy is brow beaten enough. Alot of Daddy’s get home about this time and Mummy may think that it is Daddy’s turn, as soon as Daddy holds you, scream and hold your arms out for Mummy. It is hard, but it will work.

Step Five – Bath time

If you like your bath, now is the time to have a good play. This is also the time that you should poo if possible. Remember if you are going to use the poo technique, to poo as soon as you hit the water, this way Mummy will have to run a whole new bath for you.

If you don’t like your bath, now is the time to play up. As Mummy runs the bath, coo, gurgle, talk and smile at her to give her a false sense of security. Once you hit the water, take your biggest breath and scream as loud as you can. You can poo, for good measure if you like.

Step Six – Pajama Time

Now is the time to play with the toys that have been looking so good all day (only you haven’t had time to play because of the extensive Mummy training). Mummy will dry you off from your bath. You need to wiggle away as soon as you are dry. Crawl, kick or squirm, anything so that Mummy can’t get a clean nappy on you. If she does manage to get a nappy on you, wiggle and cry so that she can’t dress you easily. Remember, consistency is the key. Eventually she WILL learn that dressing you means wiggle and scream time.

Step Seven – Bedtime

Are you still with me?
Routine is the answer for this part of the training. Whatever route you choose, you have to stay the course. No giving in if Mummy gets sad, or angry. CONSISTENCY!!! I cannot stress that to you enough.

Mummy will now try and get you into bed. Usually with a bottle or a breast feed first. Fuss, do NOT latch onto the nipple or teat no matter how much you want to. Throw your head around and finally suck for 5 seconds. Repeat until A) Mummy gives up or B) you run out of milk.

Step Eight – When The Lights Go Out

After you feed, Mummy will try and tuck you in. Do NOT stay in one position as she does this. Roll onto your side, or your tummy and squirm. LOTS. When Mummy leaves the room, stay quiet for 1-2 mins. Just long enough for Mummy to get comfortable. Then scream. I have found a squeal (like you are in pain) will bring Mummy at a run. Repeat as often as desired.

Step Nine – Sleep

Fall asleep in Mummy’s arms, but remember to stay in a light enough sleep so that you can feel if Mummy tries to put you down. Every time Mummy tries to put you down, fuss and cry until she holds you again. After an hour of this, you may allow Mummy to put you down.

Step Ten – The Waking

After you have been in your bed asleep for about 40 mins, you need to scream for Mummy again. By this time you should be able to see dejection in her eyes. Once Mummy appears you need to repeat step nine. Do this as often as desired

Step Eleven – When Mummy Goes To Bed

If you have done your job properly today, Mummy shouldn’t stay up very late. Remember to keep an ear out for her going to bed. Wait as long as you think necessary to let her fall asleep, then cry your little heart out. When she comes in to resettle you, repeat step nine as often as desired. Most Mummy’s will take you into their own bed about now. Be firm, victory is almost yours.

Step Twelve – The Long Haul

It is a long time between going to bed and the sun coming up in the morning and at some point you are going to find yourself bored. This is a perfect time to play with Mummy (all mummy’s need some fun right?). You can test out your new smiles, blow raspberries and all around be cute, as long as it is between 2-4am. Fall asleep in Mummy’s arms around 4am, peaceful in the fact that you can get up in an hour.

Footnotes:

Most Mummy’s only require 2-3days of this kind of treatment, before they will do anything (and I do mean anything) for some sleep. Use this weakness to got things that you wouldn’t normally get (icecream, the telephone, pens, crayons etc).

For a REALLY tough Mummy, a special step is required. This is called The Vomit. Make yourself sick between 3-4am and I guarantee that Mummy will turn on your lights and change your clothes. This provides ample opportunity for you to practice step six.

A poo at 4am also provides a good opportunity to practice step six as well.

I know it is hard, but consistency and routine are the keys to having Mummy do what you want. A well trained Mummy will do just about anything for some sleep and you can manipulate her as you like.

~Amy

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