Sleepless Nights

Month: May 2008

  • How To Reperkify Your Breasts

    Duct tape.

    You all know I am a big fan of duct tape. Duct tape cures everything, fixes everything and I think in a pinch, you could probably use it to wax your legs (anyone know if this is true? Feel free to ‘fess up). So what you need to do, is kind of create a bra from duct tape and then stick your boobs into a perky position.

    You know, as in not down near your belly button.

    I think the best way to accomplish this would be to stand on your hands and then get your husband/partner/friend/sister to duct tape them that way. Then, you flip (or flop, depending on your acrobatic abilities) back into an upright position and BANG, perky boobs.

    Want it really badly. The J-Lo approach.

    Now, this next one is the J-Lo approach. You need to want it really badly. Deep down you KNOW that there is nothing wrong with your boobs and therefore they should not be sagging. Keep reminding yourself that you want this really badly, there is nothing wrong and BANG, perky boobs.

    [It is to be noted that J-Lo’s approach may only work with conceiving twins after a few years of infertility. It may not have any effect on your perfectly healthy breasts. However, it did seem to have a fantastic effect on her perfectly healthy reproductive system. Not that her many trips to an infertility clinic had anything to do with it though.]

    Tie your nipples to your ears.

    Now this one is likely to make some women cringe. You take a set of nipple clamps –

    and attach them to your nipples. Hopefully if you are anything like me, the time you spent breatfeeding will have completely numbed your nipples. However, if your nipples still have sensation or you didn’t breastfeed, then I recommend this product.

    Once you have the clamps applied, then simply attach string and hoist your boobies up into a perky position. Tie off. Your ears are a good tie off point. BANG! Perky boobs.

    Lay in a pool on your back in freezing conditions.

    Now have you noticed how when you lay in the bathtub your boobs float and seem to resume some sort of pre-child shape? Well, I am going one better.

    You need to find an unheated swimming pool in the middle of winter. Then, you need to float on your back topless in it (it would probably help if there was no-one else using the pool. Midnight is a good time. While you do this, you need someone (husband/partner/friend/sister) to photograph them.

    This method is slightly less permanent than the other 3, but the good thing is, you get a photograph of your perky boobs, seemingly untouched by anything. You will need photoshop abilities though to remove the goosebumps and blue tinge from your skin.

    So there you go, 4 easy and relatively painless (hahahah) methods of reperkifying your breasts.

    **********

    I, the author take no responsibility for duct tape burn, dashed hopes, nipple contusions or hypothermia. But hell, if you want to try any of these methods (or have tried them in the past) feel free to let me know! I am always interested in new ways to reperkify my boobs.

  • Are Ben-Wa Balls The Answer?

    So, I was thinking about my pelvic floor exercises today and about how I don’t remember to do them until bedtime. And honestly, exercises when I am about to go to sleep (even if it is just clenching muscles) is not my idea of a fun time. I mean, not to mention that somehow it seems harder to do the damn kegels than to walk a few kilometres.

    Now, if only walking helped to tone your vagina…

    And anyway, all that tensing and untensing? is going to give me wrinkles. (Does anyone else find themself frowning, or is it only me? Maybe that lady you saw in town wasn’t actually having a bad day, maybe she was just doing her kegels…)

    And then! I discovered to answers too all my problems.

    BEN-WA BALLS!

    You insert them, clench all your [vaginal] muscles (because you wouldn’t be getting anywhere if you clenched your hands) and rock to orgasm. Apparently. And seriously, clenching and rocking to orgasm sounds SO MUCH NICER than just clenching and frowning.

    Then, I started thinking of all the downsides. What is your toddler going to think of Mummy sitting in the corner, rocking, with a strange look on her face?

    Or your partner, as you gasp while stirring the risotto.

    So, Ben-Wa balls would be AWESOME, except for the fact that you would have to find a private moment or two to use them. And who has that kind of time? Somehow,  I really don’t want to start associating vacuuming with orgasms, (although, I’m sure that Nathan would love if I vacuumed more often).

    So Ben-Wa balls just feel a little strange to me. Even if everytime I see them (they are here) I am tempted to buy them. Just for medical reasons you understand…

    I can’t help wondering though, what would happen if you were wearing them, rocking away and they fell out? What if you were in public? Would they stay in your panties, or would they roll down your leg and disappear into the street. Would you pick them back up and pretend that it fell out of your pocket? Would you be game?

    See what happens when I have too much time to think and I am not allowed to have sex? My mind boggles over very small things…

  • I Need To Not Think

    I have made a decision.

    I am not going to google for pregnancy symptoms anymore. I am refusing to type ‘bleeding during early pregnancy’ into my search bar. I do not want to look at ultrasounds of egg sacs implanted in women less pregnant that I am.

    I am not going to make myself crazy anymore.

    I am going to accept that my uterus is wonky and I am not going to be able to see anything until 7 or 8 weeks. I am going to accept the fact that I will have to wait a fortnight before even attempting to think about another ultrasound.

    I am going to remember, that at 7 weeks pregnant with Amy, she only measured 5w5d and at 20 weeks she was lucky to measure 18w. I am going to accept the fact that all my babies are probably going to measure small, or as in the case of the ultrasound yesterday, not be able to be measured at all.

    I need to think about the fact that my sonographer was younger, so probably NOT as experienced as he could have been. I need to think that everything is different this time, and as long as I am still feeling sick and tired, then everything should be on track.

    I need to not be crazy anymore.

    I need to think about the fact that he saw ‘good indicators of pregnancy, but it is too early yet for an egg sac’. I need to remember that he didn’t spend long looking because of the position of my uterus.

    I need to think and I need to not think.

    I need locking in an air bubble for a fortnight, where all I do is sleep.

    I need to stop looking twice when I wipe after going to the toilet, just to check the state of the spotting today. I need to stop stressing about it, because stressing is not going to change the outcome. I need to stop cursing the dildo cam that made me spot.

    I need to turn my damn brain off.

    So…

    I need stories from my wonderful readers about similar ultrasounds and the damn wand, stories of bleeding and healthy babies at the end, stories of how you coped until 12 weeks was up and then, from my childless readers I would love stories about anything you fancy. Just please, reassure me, or take my mind off it somehow.

    Please?

  • In Which I Talk About Pregnancy

    So, I had some more bleeding last night. Now, before you freak out, it was light and it stopped quite quickly. Again. It was accompanied by ABSOLUTELY NO cramping, so that is a good thing.

    However, it did mean that I used my referral to get an ultrasound done this afternoon.

    Unfortunately, I have a retroverted (backwards) uterus, so in early pregnancy, nothing can be seen using an external ultrasound probe.

    Bring on the latex covered vaginal probe. Or the dildo cam as Tiff says. AGAIN!

    YAY!

    Anyway, to cut a long story short, there are very good indicators of a pregnancy that is nicely implanted in my uterus, but it is still much too early to look for a heartbeat.

    Methinks that the ultrasound machine they use in the clinic is a teensy bit less sensitive than in the hospital, because I had a scan with Amy at about the same time in my pregnancy and they were able to magnify and see everything. Then again, maybe my uterus was just being difficult. Again.

    So, the pregnancy is in the right place and I will be asking for another scan in about a fortnight or so when things are more developed.

    Moving onwards.

    The nausea that began as easy to cope with, has mutated into ohmygodIthinkIamgoingtoretchrightaboutnow GASP! So, think good thoughts for me as I sip slowly on tea or soup and not much else. Also think good thoughts for my family, who are going to be sick of vegetable soup by the end of the week.

    Very sick of soup.

    Poor guys.

  • For Lotus

    This photo is for Lotus and the very gorgeous Braden.

    Lotus sent this top over from America for Amy. Before she sent it though, she put it on Braden and took a photo. The thought of the two of them, wearing the same top is amazing.