How To Share Your Kitchen and NOT DIE!

by Veronica on April 30, 2008

in Life

A while back I asked for post ideas. Barbara suggested that I do a post about how to juggle a Toddler and a hot pan of food at the same time. I thought about it, but didn’t really have anything spectacular because we had a gate across the kitchen.

Then, disaster struck. Nathan tripped over the gate while carrying a box full of firewood. One (1) bruised head and big mess later, our gate was broken (into very very small pieces I might add).

Now, until we get a newer, shinier, BETTER AND UNBREAKABLE gate, I am forced to share the kitchen with Amy. So I will walk you through a day, from breakfast to dinner, of sharing the kitchen with a toddler, sharp knives, hot kettles, cups of tea and everything in the cupboards.

HOW TO SHARE YOUR KITCHEN AND NOT DIE.

-BREAKFAST-

1) Rescue toddler from her PRISON, and fix her OMG MUMMY I AM IMPRISONED cries. Snuggle the toddler in your own bed for a few minutes. Try to doze off. Release toddler as she requests ‘Mum-eeeee, Ima wanna go dooooown noooooow’.

2) Listen to the toddler noises in the lounge room as you try very hard not to doze back off. Figure that as long as there is noise you are probably safe to stay in bed. Freak out as soon as you hear silence and head to investigate.

3) Discover the toddler SITTING on the bench eating the butter with her hands. Clean up the mess, clean up the toddler and set her free.

4) Get the toaster out of the cupboard as the toddler hangs off your legs. Try and hunt down the bread, only to discover that the toddler had played with the bread before moving on to the butter. Try and rescue a few slices of bread in order to toast.

5) Burn your fingers as you remove toast from the toaster. Try to remove toddler from your legs as you butter the toast. Fail miserably and walk around the kitchen sporting the NEWEST IN KITCHEN ACCESSORIES! A TODDLER!

6) Successfully butter and cheese the toast. Cut, and place on highchair table. Chase toddler around the lounge room and finally manage to capture her. Place in front of toast and take a breather.

-LUNCH-

Lunch is never really a big deal here as Amy tend to nap about midday. I try and give her a sandwich before she naps and then a piece of fruit or a sandwich or whatever when she wakes up.

However, cup of tea time (which is whenever I feel like it) is a big more complex than it sounds.

-CUP OF TEA TIME-

1) Remove toddler from the kitchen BEFORE you start. Fill the kettle with cold water and turn on.

2) Remove toddler from the kitchen. Grab yourself a mug and a teabag. Ummmm, discover that the toddler has nicked all the teabags and they are now strategically placed around the house. Find spare teabags in the cupboard that AREN’T covered in toddler and dog drool.

3) Place sugar and teabag into your mug. Remove toddler from kitchen, cursing more than you should, as she tries to pull a glass of (cold) water onto her head (she can’t actually reach the kettle thank goodness).

4) Reboil the kettle as everything above has taken 30 minutes and the water has cooled.

5) Finally get the mug, teabag, sugar and hot water in the same place as the same time. Fill the mug with hot water and FREAK OUT as the toddler tips the sugar bowl all over her face, shoulders, floor, couch and bench. Set the hot mug aside where the toddler can’t reach it (the stove top is a good place) and find the vacuum cleaner.

6) Discover that the vacuum cleaner is full. Leave the toddler inside while you run outside and empty the vacuum. Come back inside to discover the toddler sitting on the bench, tearing up teabags and sprinkling the contents everywhere.

7) Thank God that you have the vacuum cleaner handy. Vacuum everything while you have the chance.

8.) Remember your cup of tea brewing. Check and discover that it is stone cold. Wonder briefly just how much time has elapsed.

9) Repeat above steps until you finally get to add milk to an at least warm cup of tea. Proceed to have to share the entire cup with the toddler.

-DINNER-

1) Prep vegetables. Try not to slice toddler fingers off as she tries to pinch vegies while you are still trying to cut them. Swear more than you should.

2) Prep meat (tonight we had steak, so I am working on the premise that we are all cooking steak). Use your very-sharpest-possible-commercial-kitchen-quality knife. (Yes, it is really a commercial kitchen quality knife, it is my baby. I adore my 2 good knives) Freak out as the toddler tries to eat the raw fat that you just gave the cats.

3) Heat the grill and place meat under the grill. Remove toddler from the kitchen. Place prepped veg into various pots and pans with water/butter/whatever.

(PLOP CRASH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BARK BARK BARK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!)

4) Pick up (screaming like her life is OVER) toddler and try to comfort her, while simultaneously sauteing a pan of bok choy in butter. Turn and baste steak, while still holding sobbing toddler. Check the cookedness (that is now a word) of the carrots while still holding a screaming sobbing boob grabbing toddler.

5) Wonder how the holy hell I do this every night.

6) Put toddler down (in her highchair is preferable) and race back to your pans on vegies. Quickly baste steak to prevent burning and turn around to encounter….a whining, hungry, clinging, unhappy toddler who wants to be picked up.

7) Place toddler back on floor and do your best to drain carrots, finish sauteing, and make sure the steak is cooked. Dodge toddler while moving around the kitchen with boiling water and carrots and THINGS.

8.) Dump a few cooked carrots onto the highchair table, thus buying your self a few (only a few, mind) moments to dish up dinner. Cut toddlers food up into itty bitty bits and place on her special toddler plate, on her special toddler highchair table.

9) Sit down to eat, just as the toddler slithers out of her highchair, having eaten nothing. Try and eat as the toddler stands in front of you with her mouth WIDE open, practising being a baby bird. Alternately feed yourself and toddler your plate of dinner.

DONE!

Now, does this scenario sound familiar to anyone else? Hehe.

What I didn’t add in was all the cuteness. The ‘Mum-eeee I dink peeeeas!’ and ‘Peaaas, neeeeed food’ and ‘Tiss! Tiss!’ as she leaned up for a kiss. Very cute.

And hey, soon enough I can make her help me prep dinner!

Lou April 30, 2008 at 11:33 pm

I keep telling everybody that has kids (my wife, included – when our kids were young) that the most effective way to control their little movements is to WRAP THEM UP IN A RUG. They will tire themselves out in their struggles to get free. And they’ll nap. And if they scream too loud, stand the rug up in a closet and close the door. Simple. But. No. body. listens. And I see all of the blog entries about how tired mommy is and how the kids get into everything and the solution is SO SIMPLE – but no one listens. Meanwhile, Mommy winds up in a straightjacket and the kid goes – heh, heh, heh, I win.

Lous last blog post..introspection – why I blog

witchypoo April 30, 2008 at 11:50 pm

Lou’s idea has merit, but in this electronic age,why not implant a chip behind the child’s ear, and that way you can condition them with a press of a button on your remote.Bonus is that you could have a GPS chip as well. If she is ever kidnapped, you will want to find her immediately and relieve the kidnappers of their folly.
I KID!

witchypoos last blog post..Today Was Boobie Sandwich Day

Veronica May 1, 2008 at 12:03 am

Maybe she just needs an off button…

Jill S. May 1, 2008 at 12:25 am

LOL. Yeah, it sounds familiar. I lived this life! My three girls are teenagers now, and life is still crazy, just in a different way.

Jill S.s last blog post..An I-LOVE-LUCY moment

Ree May 1, 2008 at 1:01 am

Hopefully, when you’re ready for her to help, she’s not ready for you to leave her alone πŸ˜‰

Rees last blog post..Brothers

The Yummy Mummy Cooks Gourmet May 1, 2008 at 1:12 am

Yeah, this is my life…you crack me up.

It’s like the smallest little thing, like drinking a cup of tea, is like this time-sucking drama with stops and starts and cuddles and boo-boo kissing and cleaning up 10 spills and managing an all out on the floor tantrum and then, giggling 2 minutes later and still the tea is sitting on the counter un-drunk.

Time with a toddler is just on a whole different space and time continuum. You nailed that one perfectly!

Kim

PS Might be coming to Tasmania in the next few weeks. Will let you know. Not sure of the details. May need some cool things to do with the kids, depending on where we’re going. I’ll be in touch…

Suzie May 1, 2008 at 3:05 am

I have a gate too. When you hear silence there is alawys somthing bad a brewing

Suzies last blog post..Not So Wordless Wednesday

nikki May 1, 2008 at 4:55 am

Sounds like home to me. Only remove toddler and insert husband.

nikkis last blog post..When in doubt, show puppy pictures

Jenty May 1, 2008 at 6:24 am

Hee hee!! Sounds very familiar.

Jentys last blog post..Almost party time

Burgh Baby May 1, 2008 at 6:30 am

That’s why I don’t use my kitchen. Take out, baby, it’s the way to go.

Burgh Babys last blog post..Mother Nature, You’ve Been Warned

HRH May 1, 2008 at 7:02 am

Not cooking is so much easier. Whew. That wore me out.

HRHs last blog post..Holly throws herself under the alternative-fuel bus…

Anja May 1, 2008 at 7:59 am

Can you go to the toilet in peace? My flatmate has a toddler, and the flatmate dreams of the day when she can go to the toilet without “Mummy, me come in too”

Anjas last blog post..Hot Hunk Thursday.

Talina May 1, 2008 at 8:19 am

OMG, Witchypoo has the right idea.. an IKID..

Seems like quite the handful, hope you get your gate soon.. Good luck.

Talinas last blog post..It is wildfire season, boo!

Tanya May 1, 2008 at 8:40 am

theres some saying about enjoying a toddler clinging to your legs because when they are a teenager you wont hardly see them…

Can’t really remember it….something like that

I like the baby stages….you know….where they are all small and helpless. so cute. But I guess the crying and late nights is a killer….

Wait for the 5 year old stage! Everytime I’m with jordon we are forever answering awkward questions, and just questions in general…..so much fun

Trish May 1, 2008 at 10:00 am

LOL not ! Can’t tie them to a tree while we cook can we.
Try squaring it with toddler twins – as soon I move one the other one is back into everything -especially knives .We had to reinstall gates on the weekend … 2.5 ft metal pool fence ones – very stylish primrose colour with a matching window lock for the latch.

When I go to the toilet I have one handing me toilet paper and one offering to pull my pants up …at same time.

I love what you said – maybe she needs an off button – I’ll take two (make that Three – I forgot about the teen who I am tripping over while he makes food because he can’t wait either)

Trishs last blog post..Revive our hearts

/// May 1, 2008 at 11:10 am

and you want another one how are you going to manage.

Toni O May 1, 2008 at 1:48 pm

Yeah, except I have 2 toddlers in the kitchen. And an 8yr old. And I haven’t been to the toilet or had a shower on my own for 8 yrs. And I still get up every night to 2 girls aged 2 and 3 who refuse to sleep all night. Such fun.

Toni Os last blog post..

Taz May 1, 2008 at 5:10 pm

so cute..

Tazs last blog post..27 Weeks Old

river May 1, 2008 at 5:44 pm

Heh, made me think of the “good old days” with three under 4. I learnt to do so many things one handed with a baby or slightly older child tucked into the other arm or squirming on my hip. When making cups of coffee or milo I would turn the child to face the other way to keep hands away from the hot stuff, mostly that worked. Cooking was a different matter since it took longer. I remember doing the prep work while they napped (all together, lucky me) then just turning things on when it was time to cook. Baby and toddler meals were sometimes cooked while the napping was happening then quickly reheated if it was the type of meal that could be treated this way. Fun days. I was going to say you’ll look back and laugh in later years, but you’re doing that already, in between the swearing, that is.

Tiffany May 1, 2008 at 8:37 pm

Two words for you: Slow Cooker

Tiffanys last blog post..On being larger than life…

Mr Lady May 4, 2008 at 4:05 pm

You know, I just let my kid grab the burner once after a year of telling him not to. He never bothered me in the kitchen again. πŸ˜‰

Mr Ladys last blog post..Rate the Hate the New Toy Edition

Kat May 6, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Good lord. Sounds exhausting. My one very active boy is nothing in comparison…thankfully… I got him a set of mini pots and pans which he plays with, and I keep paper and crayons in the kitchen… he’s always underfoot in there, but luckily keeps busy down there and doesn’t mess with me too much. Phew. Sure you really WANT another one? πŸ˜‰

Kats last blog post..Weely Winners

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