Are The Mice Plotting?

I was sitting on the couch last night, happily blogging and writing emails and OH MY FREAKING GOD, was that just a MOUSE?? SKITTERING PAST MY FEET INTO THE KITCHEN?!

Visions of the other night rattle around in my head.

I think. I am very good at thinking. No, my brain wasn’t playing tricks on me. Yes it was a mouse and it is now IN MY KITCHEN!

Sneakily, I do my Sneaky McSneakerson thing and sneak into the kitchen, book in hand to use as a schwacker. The mouse is nowhere to be seen. I move shoes, the rubbish bin, the dog food container, nothing.

No mouse to be seen.

I sit back down, ready to finish reading and I hear it. Nibbling noises in the kitchen.

NIBBLING.

Just as I am about to get up and look, a SECOND mouse runs past. TWO MICE! IN MY KITCHEN!

I stand up.

I sneak. I can still hear the mouse nibbling. I am stealthy and silent. I am one with the floor.

I am hoping like hell I don’t step on a mouse in bare feet.

My schwacker and I slide around the corner….

And discover an empty kitchen.

AGAIN!

Fucking McFuckerton Fucker Mice Fuckers.

[Heh, I wonder if I will get googled for mice fuckers now]

Arghhhhhhh!

I can just see the mice, running laps around the house, just to watch me EXPLODE.

Mouse A. ‘Alrighty guys, I will run out there and let her see me. Once she has seen me, I will disappear back here to you and Mouse B can do it’s thing’

Mouse B. ‘What do I do again?’

(audible sigh)

Mouse A. ‘You run into the giant-space-that-is-empty, past the big-pink-thing-that-moves-and-swears and seriously, how do those things cope without FUR? I mean, really?’

‘…Anyway, past the pink-moving-thing, under the big-white-box-that-is-cold, over to the big-bag-of-mouse-heaven, grab some heavenly food, climb the tall thing and run over to the hole. Then come back here to us. We will take turns until the big-pink-thing-with-strange-fur explodes’

Mouse B. ‘Okay then, who goes first?’

[audible sigh]

(It is here that I start to suspect that Mouse B is stupid and deserves to die)

(Actually they all deserve to die)

Mouse A. ‘Any other questions?’

Mouse B. ‘Uh yes, um when do I…..’

Mouse A. ‘Any OTHER questions?’

[Mouse silence]

Mouse A. ‘Okay we will begin. Word of advice though? DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELVES TO BE SCHWACKED, SMUSHED, SQUISHED, SQUASHED, SMOOSHED, OR TRODDEN ON.’

‘Everyone clear?’

[Noises of mouse agreeing]

Mouse A. ‘Okay then! Off we go…..’

See? The mice ARE plotting. I am totally not going insane. Yet.