Shortly after I posted about my period starting, it stopped. Dead.
…and apparently, judging by how I have felt today, having a period stop, is actually a MUCH bigger headfuck than having it start.
Who knew?
I am not hopeful anymore. I am not wishing and day dreaming anymore. I am wanting to get this cycle the fuck over with so I can move on.
I just want to be finished. At the finish line, not needing to do this anymore. DONE.
And relaxing? HAHAHAHAHA. Don’t make me laugh. Unlike Nathan, I cannot turn my brain off and stop counting dates. I cannot stop thinking about it and sure as hell cannot ‘just relax’.
I cannot.
Other people may be able to turn their heads off and ‘just stop trying’ but I can’t. I don’t work like that. I like to have a plan and an idea, I like to work things out and think them through.
I had a plan dammit and that plan flew out the window months ago. Months and months and months and fucking months ago.
This is month 12 of concerted, energy draining, complete with added stress, trying.
This is month 16 of regular unprotected sex.
This is a freaking long time.
And I don’t want to muck about anymore.
So, now I am wondering if I miscalculated. If yesterday was more of the wacky spotting that I had been having a few cycles ago.
If maybe I was going to have another 42 day cycle rather than a manageable 30 day one.
Or if maybe, simply by writing about it I have jinxed it and I will wake up in a puddle at 3am (please, don’t visualise that).
I don’t want to think about any other option right now. I will leave THOSE thoughts to my insomnia at 3am.
(Also, how rude is it that I am having insomnia during the parts of the night that Amy sleeps? Hello, at least we could be awake and miserable together.)
Sigh.
Seriously, how was this so easy the first time around? (Wait, that would be because there was NO WAITING. Heh.)
hang in there love. And I know that’s a lot easier said than done so will be saying some prayers for your sanity. K? k.
hugs
Bettinas last blog post..For Kelley
Have you been checked out for cysts or anything like that? My SIL tried for years to conceive and they found she had harmless cysts all over her ovaries, blocking ovulation. She had surgery, and two months later was pregnant.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..20 years later, Max goes to therapy.
Oh sweetheart, I just wish I could go to your house and give ya a big hug 🙁
((((hugs)))) and love xxx
Marylins last blog post..Weekly Winners #21
Ma Nature is a royal biotch, isn’t she?
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Who Needs Disneyland When Mickey’s Living at My House
bleah. just bleah.
Dawns last blog post..If I tell you this is about death again are you going to just click away?
aww hun..
i really hope things work them self out for you soon.
Tazs last blog post..30 Weeks Old..
Slice open your own cranium, remove your dripping brain, place it in the sink to soak for a day or two.
That works for us.
If anyone comes on here and says ‘just relax’ I shall write a very strongly worded letter to the manager of the internet.
It’s shitty, all shitty, your mind will continue to race and look for solutions and reasons until there are none left. I know.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..A fornication fifty-fifty
(((HUGS)))
I know how shitty it is, so anything I say is not going to make you feel better.
Jentys last blog post..Weekly Winners 11 May – 17 May
Are you charting temps? Maybe you are still in your luteal phase and perhaps it is implantation spotting?
My I am on 8 DPO and I had this weird temperature dip yesterday… I know how shitty it is having wacky cycles. Hopefully you can sleep well tonight!
Talinas last blog post..I am just not cut out for bars anymore!
I’m the same way as you… can’t stop my brain from going over and over and over the things, trying to plan, schedule, devise, figure out, explain… Perhaps this is why our minds decide we must not want to sleep anyway, so they keep us up, allowing us more time to drive ourselves crazy?
Oy.
Much love to you.
Sarcastic Moms last blog post..Weekly Winners, May 11-17
hugs to you hang in there 🙂 I hope you are doing better then i am
kaylees last blog post..Anybody love my around here?
Blah to it all. I’m not going to give you advice, or tell you that it will all work out. Just know that I’m here, hoping with you.
Rees last blog post..I got to get to my baby again
I would really like to be able to say something truly witty – some smartass remark that will have you laughing and giggling and forgetting, for a moment or two, the torment you’re going through right now. But I got nuthin’. I just don’t know what to say. I can’t even offer to help. Vasectomy, you know. I quit being dangerous a long time ago. Nuthin’ but fun in the gun, these days. And you’re looking for more than fun. There are so many levels on which I am no help. Sorry, love.
lceels last blog post..Where did the day go?
Life truly sucks sometimes. Hopefully the appointment next month will shed some light on the reason why things just aren’t working out. Hang in there.
Hugs.
Wish I could wave a magic ‘get pregnant now’ wand over you.
Widdle Shamrocks last blog post..Another lovely weekend
I’m sending a big hug your way.
Leslies last blog post..A Star Is Born
So, I am not going to give you any advice or tell you to relax, not even going to suggest counting sheep for the insomnia. Good, am I not?
Biggest hugs for you though and keeping you in my thoughts.
tiffs last blog post..Cushing’s Syndrome
Sending hugs your way.
I got nuthin’,sorry. Your gyno appointment can’t roll around soon enough. Let the waiting be over and the testing etc. begin. I hope he/she finds reasons and solutions.
ugg. i’m so sorry. thinking of you..
zoes last blog post..This is the end
I’m doing as you suggested and reading your earlier posts so as to not feel so alone.
And I KNOW this pain. And thank you for sharing so I am not alone. x
Beas last blog post..feeling a bit sheepish (oh god, how embarrassed!)
Comments on this entry are closed.