Some days it feels like I’m barely maintaining the chaos.
When I’m trying to write, Isaac is playing with his toys, Amy is causing destruction and Maisy is pitching in, like any good puppy, to cause as much mess as possible.
Amy’s a tricky one, because she waits until I’m not watching, before disappearing into the kitchen to make a rice cake and cheese/pour some milk/get out the eggs/look in the fridge/make a godawful mess.
And I’m watching her, I truly am, except for in the 5 seconds when she causes absolute havoc.
So I break off what I’m doing, clean up, kick her out of the kitchen, put the dog outside, make everyone something to eat, before sitting back down again.
Then it all happens again.
We’re put combination locks on all the cupboards and the fridge, which helps. So long as we (meaning Nathan) remember to CLOSE them. I mean, surely it wasn’t Amy’s fault she ate an entire block of chocolate yesterday, silently, so she didn’t wake me. Although, that one, not helped by the combo lock so much, she used a chair to get to the very top (unlocked) cupboard. Sigh.
Mornings are my time to write. By the time bedtime knocks around, I am too tired, and too sore to sit down and type, so I don’t bother.
Unfortunately, Nathan is taking advantage of these last few months before Amy starts school to sleep in as much as possible, leaving me ‘working’ and dealing with children and tidying up and it’s just exhausting.
And yes, I could break off my writing and pay full and absolute attention to my children. Surely they wouldn’t get into mischief then?
Well no. Actually, you’d be wrong.
Even if I’m paying FULL attention to the children, which generally involves having them both hanging off my body, leaving aside the fact that not writing when I need to sends me a little bit batty, Amy still gets into mischief. She just waits until I’m changing Isaac’s bum, putting a load of washing on, turned around or in the toilet. Which you could argue wasn’t me paying FULL attention to her, but shit, I’ve got to do something other that let them sit on me and pull my hair.
She’s such an overwhelming child sometimes, I can’t even begin to explain.
It’s just frustrating to feel like I’m spending the day running three steps behind everyone else. To have dislocatey bits and still be making sure Amy stays in the small yard, keeping Isaac entertained, and keeping the house as least semi-livable.
But then we have moments where the house is mostly tidy, Isaac is napping (a rare experience) and Amy is curled up on the couch next to me, snuggled into my lap while I read a book.
And that’s when I think I’m doing something right, instead of barely holding on.
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{ 27 comments }
That sounds exhausting, except for that last part but still. Hope Amy going to school helps all of you, I can’t imagine what you’re going through so just know I’m sending good thoughts your way.
You are a good mama, Veronica. You are!
Honey. You are amazing, what you do. Really you are.
I have no dislocatey bits and no non-neurotypical kids and a lot of days *I* feel like I’m barely hanging on by my fingernails. Those moments of calm, of feeling competent, are all the more precious for being rare, I reckon
I’m exhausted just reading about your day. I’m hoping it eases up as they get a bit older or, as Megan says, when Amy starts school. It can’t help to feel nauseous and achey on top of all that. xx
Oh I think you are doing a lot right Veronica even if it doesn’t feel that way to you. My younger one didn’t have the problems Amy has but I still had to take him to the toilet with me at that age because the alternative didn’t bear thinking about – and ours was inside the house!
The locks are a great idea to keep madam out of the cupboards. Our local playgroup in the UK had an alarm fitted to the top of main door which would sound very loudly if any of the children managed to open it. Something that would be useful for you so that you would know if your little helper got outside when she shouldn’t. Unfortunately I have no idea what it was called or if you could get something like it here.
Bells on doors and gates and locks galore on cupboards and more bells and alarms work wonders.
Did I mention bells on doors stop little people sneaking off?
Oh I’m hearing you, life with 2 babes is full freaking on!
This is a beautiful post.
So so true.
You won’t know what to do with yourself when Amy’s at school, with only Isaac at home. Of course he’ll be more mobile then……
Years ago, when I did primary school tuckshop duty, the manager put child proof locks on the cabinets there. My three year old took one look and straight away showed someone else’s one year old how to open them.
Of course you are doing right xx
You’re doing an amazing job in difficult circumstances. Big but very gentle hugs to you. And bells on doors, I like that idea.
You’re doing an amazing job, of all of it! Once Amy starts school it’ll be easier on your body so everything will ease up a bit. Hugs and love BG Xx
‘maintaining the chaos’ that is such a perfect way to put it!
I remember back when my girls were 2.5 – 3.5 years old and they could destroy a whole couch cushion and cover the lounge room in ‘snow’ in the time it took me to pee! It was so disheartening and I wasn’t dealing with any of the extra stuff that you have to deal with day to day…. so sending some hugs and some strength…..
i feel that too – a lot – don’t know how much worse it would be if I had ANOTHER kid to look after. one is more than enough for me.
you’re clearly far braver than me.
Wow. I got super-tired just reading that…
You are doing a great job, Veronica. Just hang in there, and make sure Nathan takes the kids so you can go out for a coffee or something, yeah?
So true. IT is so exhausting. The clinging and demands. Is 15 minutes to oneself to much to ask? Yes apparently so.
Worst thing is, my exhaustion this week is my own fault. Ruby is allowed to watch Mr Maker and Play School in the afternoons. It’s 45 minutes that I get to myself, to have a coffee and read a bit. I have banned her from watching TV for a week. Spur of the moment decision after some awful behaviour. Urghghgh I wish I could take it back but am trying to be consistent.
I’ve had days like that too! Wait for warmer days and have them go for walks and runs, make them all nicely tired and if that doesn’t work some tv on top and you shall have some time to yourself, non?
When does school start ? Here in France it started today but my twins couldn’t go yet, too young they said.
So long as you keep breathing you’re doing great imo!
I give up trying to stop the boys getting into mischief, the only way I get peace is when I send them upstairs to watch tv in my room… which of course looks like an absolute tip as they’ve taken to moving all their toys into it to play with while watching tv. Not to mention Max can open the bathroom door now and I’ve lost most of my makeup down the fucking toilet. *sigh*
Not too much longer till they’re all at school, right?
*hugs* xx
Maybe there’s something else behind Amy as well as asperger syndrome. It can get tricky at times
You can have my lot if you like – swop shop! Howabout worrying that they are still out at 4am and whose car are they in. Have they remembered my warnings about drink spiking, life in general. etc. arghhh I have lost my control. Although thinking about it your little one’s would miss their amazing mum and mine would just think wow I’m on A Freaking Gap Year!
Woodjie is very much like this, except he doesn’t speak much. I know exactly what you’re talking about and no, you’ll never watch them well enough to be a “good” parent in the eyes of some people. I get you here… I really do.
We’ve all been there but it gets better of course when they are at full day school. Then there’s no excuses about ‘oh the kids prevent me from writing.’ Which is a nightmare all in itself because now hell what is my excuse?
I really think that just one of the hard things about being a mom is that you never know WHEN you’ll have a moment. You get some moments to yourself here and there, but it is usually a surprise.
I think you’re pretty awesome hon – parenting is hard at the best of times, and you’ve got a lot of extra things to worry about and deal with sometimes. I had a friend who used to tie her son up to the clothesline when they were outside – it sounds so awful, but he had a harness, and then the rope attached to his back, and it slid the length of the clothesline so he had lots of space to move…..but he couldn’t run away, and without he would take off, and she just couldn’t catch him. (He has severe autism, reasoning didn’t work) I think whatever steps you need to take to survive, to get everyone through the day whole, are totally worth it. Keep chugging hon, you’re doing great.
ohsorry
My very scientific assessment of the difference between the times I spent stopping Beast climbing the stair and the times I spent letting her happily and safely climb them and then stand at the top of them talking to herself in the mirror came to the conclusion that I am roughly 769million% more tired at the end of the days I am a ‘paying-full-attention’ parent. This makes me hurty, and snappy, and makes me a terrible mother and wife and miserable to boot.
Kids do shit. That’s my philosophy. You can either wear yourself out (and when you’re broke-y like we are, it does wear you out, and down, and to the bone) and not atually stop them doing shit, or you can make sure they just don’t kill themselves or seriously injure themselves and maybe survive a few more years than you would have otherwise. I plan on not dying 5 years earlier siply from stress: I suggest you do the same.
I feel quite claustrophobic just reading about your day/s. Surely they are ripe for easing… sometime soon??? I have had bouts of similar days. But only ‘x1 child’, not 2. And she is progressively easier (but somehow also harder, in different, ever more challenging, increasingly mental ways).
Exhausting.
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