I love bedtime. LOVE LOVE LOVE. To the point where I start counting down the minutes until 6.30pm for at least an hour beforehand. Bedtime, it’s brilliant.
At the same time, I hate it. HATE.
Isaac is a lovely child. I put him in his cot with a bottle, turn out the light and normally, barring a tummy ache or his sister bothering him, he is out like a light 30 minutes later.
Amy however, Amy turns bedtime into a miserable tale of woe, with screaming, tantrums, endless requests and constant getting out of bed.
Last night, it took nearly 3 hours from start to finish for Amy to fall asleep. Every 5 minutes:
‘Mummy, I need a cuddle. Just another cuddle.’
‘Okay, here. Now go to BED.’
‘Mummy, can I have a bottle?’
‘No. It’s bedtime. You’ve had a drink.’
‘Mummy, I need to use the potty.’
‘Okay. Quickly then.’
Repeat, ad infinitum.
The potty is the worst thing. She goes into the bathroom and sits quietly until we forget about her. Then she runs riot. I’m not quite sure WHY I bought bandaids the other day, as to this point, Amy has done nothing but steal and open them, sticking them to every available surface.
Sometimes, I’ll go to check on her, sitting on the potty, claiming she needs to poo, only to discover she’s squeezed toothpaste all over the floor. Or emptied a bottle of shampoo into her hair. Or pulled out all the face washers. Or, or, or.
And if I sit in the bathroom with her, she will screech ‘I AM TRYING TO POO! LEAVE ME ALONE!’ until I leave.
It’s a nightmare.
Once we get over the potty hurdle, it doesn’t end there.
She’ll dart between her bedroom and ours, to hide under our bed until we notice she isn’t sleeping.
Or she’ll sit in the hallway and screech ‘BUT I’M A NEED TO DRAW!!!’
Eventually, when I’m at the end of my tether, smacks will be threatened and she will scream and wail that she ‘JUST NEEEDS….’
‘NO. YOU DON’T. YOU NEED TO GO TO SLEEP!’
If I’m lucky, none of this will wake Isaac. All the stomping, yelling, screeching and tantrumming, he will sleep through it.
If I’m unlucky, he won’t and I’ll be left with a screamy clingy tired toddler and a defiant preschooler, both screaming at us.
Nathan and I take turns putting Amy to bed. Not that this helps. By the time she falls asleep, we’ve put her to bed at least 5 times each – leaving both of us exhausted and snappy.
Like I said. Bedtime. It’s a love hate relationship.
{ 27 comments }
It seems Amy rules the roost in your house at bedtime. You have massive empathy from me. I could offer loads of suggestions which would probably only serve to irritate.
Amy is getting your undivided attention, big time. It seems it doesn’t matter to Amy that the attention is negative. Bedtime for Amy it appears has become a game.
On reading I am not sure if Amy’s bedtime is 6:30 also or whether she gets to go to bed later?
On the tv here there are plenty of programmes dedicated to sorting out just this sort of scenario. Most of which make me cringe big time. I am trying to imagine you reading the comments and thats why I am not going to give any suggestions as they will probably want to make you throw the computer out of the window and throw a bucket of water over my head.
Please email me Veronica if you wish. My guess or am wondering to myself is all you really wanted to do was write it down to save your sanity before the next bout of bedtime bedlam.
OK I can’t help myself – is Amy old enough to give up the potty & sit on the loo if she used a toddler seat & step? Just a thought.
The devil in me makes me want to say to Amy – I am really sorry but you can’t go to bed, you must stay awake all night. Then every time she seems sleepy waking her up and making her stay awake! But that would be just mean wouldn’t it.
Veronica if I could wave a magic wand and make Amy sleep I would. But that’s just no help is it. So instead I am sending you an enormous gentle hug. I think you need one.
This is one of those occassions I wish you lived near as I would offer to come round once a week to do a bedtime duty whilst you and Nathan went out for an hour or three for some adult time together.
xoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxo
Hmph. Kids. They’re tricky little things.; )
Not sure if this would work with Amy but I saw once that with kids who have a hard time going to bed if you can just lock them in their room and leave them there until they go to sleep, because eventually they will fall asleep, and then only have do deal with hearing her scream and not all the this and that in between, but again like I said I don’t know if it will work not knowing how you house is set up with locks on doors and if she shares a room with Isaac that might not be the way to go as it might wake him, but just a suggestion for you, I only deal with one kid for a nap and she is like Isaac asleep quickly and quietly. Good Luck. Hopefully one day Amy will be a better sleeper.
With all due respect to Megan. Please don’t use a lock on the door. I have a friend who whilst an adult now has never really recovered from being locked in in the way described in the above comment.
My oldest didn’t sleep well, but for different reasons than yours. I ended up going to bed with her, (and falling asleep) then getting up later and going to my bed. she actually slept in our bed until she was 5. then we did the sleep with her thing. I would block the door so she couldn’t get out if I fell asleep and she was still up. I was so tired. It was the only way we could all get sleep. I actually liked the snuggling much better than the fighting, so I didn’t mind. and I miss snuggling with her now that she’s 13. (okay, sometimes she still asks me to sleep with her.)
I know it can be a scary thing for a child and I wouldn’t have mentioned it but I did hear from a person who just works with parents who children have this and other behavior problems and I did say it is not for everyone it really is the parents choice and you have to know your child well to do that because it can have such a lasting effect on them.
I’m so far behind. I’m sorry. Just wanted you to let you know I’m reading and will comment and I voted for you.
Everyone else should too – Veronica is one of the top 50 bloggers!
http://www.kidspot.com.au/MySpot-inspiration-Veronica-Foale–Sleepless-Nights+3437+172+article.htm
Just a thought…benedryl would make her go to sleep and she couldn’t help herself. Drugging your kid to sleep may not be for everyone every night, but it works. I can tell you first hand. I had a kid who would stay up until 3 am if he didn’t get something to make him go to sleep. Benedryl. Children’s liquid benedryl.
ADHD may be a culprit for her. I know of many girls who have been diagnosed with ADHD. Maybe something else in her diet? Who knows?
Well, now I feel guilty about my four and their bedtimes.
After dinner, pre-bedtimes routines went well, kids knew when their bedtime was. I’d say, have you done everything? It’s time for bed.
They’d say yes. I’d say, are your things ready for tomorrow? (for the schoolies).
They’d say yes.
Okay then, off you go, I’ll come and tuck you in soon.
And off they went. Sometimes they were even asleep before the tucking in.
How did I get so lucky? I don’t know.
But I wish you could have some of this luck for Amy.
Kiara went through this and it nearly killed me! I actually started having mini panic attacks the closer it got to bedtime because I knew what was coming. It was horrible
Fortunately she grew out of it but she still rarely goes to bed at bed time – she will colour in or play in her bed and then call me when she is ready to go to bed. The rule is she must stay in her bed though!
Did you ever watch SuperNanny? (I hated her..)
She did an episode once where the child was constantly out of bed and for this particular family she had the parents taking turns sitting in the doorway of the child’s room, everytime she got out of bed she was immediately put back in, with no words, no drinks, no cuddles or reading, singing. Nothing but complete silence. Took three nights, then the child stayed in bed.
Worth a try?
After hubby’s childhood involving locked bedroom doors I wouldn’t recommend them *shudder*.
Hugs. There isn’t an easy answer.
Patience and time and sheer exhaustion. I think you are doing admirably.
Not that that helps at all but under the circumstances you are doing brilliantly.
Yes, I have a very similar girlfriend to Amy. I had to resort to drugging her in the end. Not good.
Oh, man. What a nightmare.
Ummmm. I have read through all the comments, and I really agree with River: I also watched SuperNanny and Nanny 911, and they all advocated the whole ‘do NOT give the badly-behaving kid any attention’ approach to bedtime (and any time, really). They suggested sitting across from the child’s room, and anytime the kid came out or got out of bed, they were tucked back in. No talking, no drinks of water, no nothing. Just placed back in bed without a word. Over and over and over. But you are doing this now, anyway, right? The difference would be that YOU are in control, not Amy. And that is really the issue, isn’t it, that this little girl has you all running around for 3 hours past her appointed bedtime…. maybe it is worth a try? Of course she will hate the loss of control, but things will only get worse the longer they go on, I’d imagine.
We really need to get Declan and Amy together, they’d have a blast.
We tried helping him with what he wanted, that lead to him just playing us, pretty much the same way Amy is.
We tried drugging him with dimetapp for a week so that he would “learn” when to get sleepy. He would still manage to keep going for hours, but would sleep in until 9am when we’d have to shake him awake for preschool and he’d be feral all day.
We did the Supernanny thing, silently putting him to bed, it went on for an hour until he completely lost it and started hitting his head against the wall and told us he wasn’t going to stop until we spoke.
One day the door handle fell off when I slammed the door in anger.
For the minute or so he was in there whilst I tried to reattach the door handle and fix it, he freaked out. Like totally freaked out.
Now we give him two or three times getting up, usually he asks for another drink or says he needs to go to the toilet, fair enough. But the moment he pushes it I tell him that I’m going to break the door again, he runs back into bed and vows that we won’t see him again until the morning.
Yes, it’s terrible parenting – although his psychologist is a firm believe that if it works then it’s good! But it works, and it’s cut what used to be a 3 hour battle down to about 15 minutes or so.
My recommendation (for what it’s worth) is to have an attempt at going down the Supernanny route – putting Amy back to bed without speaking to her. With the Supernanny process the first time she gets out of bed you say “it’s bedtime now” and put her back to bed but after that there is no further verbal interaction with the child. Really difficult but will eventually pay dividends.
Make sure she’s had a drink, gone to the loo, got the stuffed toy, etc. so there’s limited scope for excuses.
As others have said every time you engage her (even to tell her off) you are rewarding her behaviour. The first couple of nights will still be really difficult but if you & Nathan both commit to the putting her back to bed with no interaction I think it will pay dividends. On Supernanny some of the kids get out of bed the first night in excess of 20 times so you need to be prepared for it to feel like torture. There will probably even be screaming tantrums involved (possibly on both sides! but the adult tanties have to be out of view of Amy!).
I cannot believe people are recommending locks & drugs.
Good luck!
I love River’s idea. Does sound like its worth a try, you have probably tried it though. I actually used to love Supernanny, mind you I used to watch it before I had kids : )
I think some people (& even some GP’s suggest) use drugs to break the cycle. I had a friend who’s little boy was having night terrors, after 3 nights on phenergen he was back to normal. Broke the cycle. (totally different situation I know). Not that I am advocating the drugs. I think thats just why people do use them.
Thank goodness Isaac sleeps through it : )
I am probably wrong here but I am sure a friend whose child was diagnosed with ADHD found that phenergen & benadryl had the opposite effect than the required sleepiness. I am absolutely not saying Amy has ADHD by the way. This sounds more like a little lady who has worked out that bedtime antics are a blast! Again not even the hint of a suggestion on tactics I don’t doubt you have tried pretty much everything!
Some lucky children here get to go & see a specialist sleep doctor at a specialist clinic who can have really great results. This is the last resort for some parents though & I believe there is a waiting list. I am not sure if there is similar facilities at all where you are.
I’ll be off, as I have said enough already.
xoxoxoxo
I just want to clarify why I mentioned locks, it’s intend is similar to the Supernanny approach just more extreme, a last resort type thing, but it is just letting your child know that it is bedtime and that they will not get a response from you for their behavior, not matter how much the cry, scream, if you leave them alone they will go to sleep. I would not do this first, it is something to try if you think your child is not going to completely freak out and be scared for life, but if the child can handle it it is a way to really let them know that this is bedtime and that bedtime is for sleeping not for getting up and getting or doing or staling, bedtime is bedtime. I do admit it is a harsh way to do it and is not for everyone but it will get the message across in a few nights, but again not for everyone.
*hugs* I hate that stage so much. It must be so hard with Amy not having the grasp of consequences. The only way I manage with Max is that he’s still young enough to be in a cot… not for much longer though I think. >_<
I lie down with Bad – sometimes I have to hold him down with my arm for a few minutes(think enforced spooning!) – and eventually he lies still and lets me tickle his back and he goes to sleep. I know a lot of people think kids should fall asleep on their own, and I’d love it if he did, but I much prefer lying in his bed for 20 minutes to an hour or more of up and down the stairs and arguing. And sometimes, when I manage to relax, those few minutes of cuddles are priceless.
Good luck hon.
Hi there. I’m back online and almost unpacked after moving houses. max is the same and now he’s sharing a bedroom with lynn but she doesn’t seem to be bothered by his noises, singing and sometimes screaming. He is not 2 and a half yet and still sleeps in his cot which he hasn’t worked out to climb out of yet so we just leave him there most of the time and sometimes it takes him 2 or 3 hours to finally fall asleep. naptime has been running late here as it is summertime and who would want to miss the best part of the day when the sun starts to recline and the weather gets cooler. besides we’ve had visis from family and friends so we have been putting them to bed between 8:30 and 9 (really falling asleep around 9 or 10 for Max) lately and they wake somewhere between 7h30 and 8h45 next morning. Does amy still naps? what time do they wake up?
and also: I voted to send you on holidays. fingers crossed and enjoy!
Bedtime can be an arsehole. There are times when I have had to just walk outside and calm down. There have been times with the youngest that I have carried her into her Dad and put her down and just walked away. There were times with my eldest that he brought me to tears – quite a lot actually. I take the path of least resistance with her these days. Me, Beefcake, the 5yo and her hop into my bed at bedtime and go to sleep. Once she’s asleep he carries them to their beds. It means there is no screaming and crying, from me or her. I’m happy to do it until she’s 21 if it means she goes to sleep and gives me some time on my own. I have no magic solutions for you unfortunately but I do know that some kids are just really not good at going to sleep and staying that way. Apparently I was (am) the same!
Hugs for you.
x
start bedtime at 3:00,, OH FIRST CHILDREN,, not gunna say it again but I think I have shared with you,, hang in there…
i hope Amy goes to bed more easier soon for you both..
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