Bittersweet Spring

by Veronica on August 30, 2013

in Evelyn, Grief

It’s nearly Spring and I am holding on by the skin of my teeth. I’ve been poking the fruit trees, hoping that my attention will make them bud and blossom faster. It’s not working. We filled two above ground gardens that Nathan made out of old water tanks. I planted beetroot, onions, chard and chamomile and thanked the previous owner for leaving his rubbish behind. Ruined water tanks make great gardens.

Evelyn has learned to screech like a banshee and she does this every time things don’t go her way. My baby is turning into a toddler, full of feelpinions and angst. She tried to breastfeed upside down, her hands clutching at my nipple and her body contorting into wonderfully strange positions.

Oh I thought. Is this where we’re up to? Upside down breastfeeding and biting. I remember this.

Nostalgia filled me briefly, for these moments with Amy, when she was small and her opinions were small also. What shoes to wear, what cup she wanted, whether carrots or apples were better. Now I am traversing new terrain, fielding questions like “Is it better to be skinny?” and “Why are some people so mean?” and “Why do things have to die?”

No and I don’t know and it hardly seems fair, does it.

My grandmother’s cat died, on the road that has claimed too many of my animals. All the fencing in the world won’t keep the road from impinging on my life and here we are, another animal down, yet again. I felt guilty for my relief that she was dead, for the calm that came over the other cats. She was a bitchy cat, prone to purposely swiping at your face just for looking at her. Now she’s gone and I’m vaguely sad because it feels like the connections to my grandmother are slipping away, slowly and surely.

Evelyn’s hair curls and reminds me of a photo taken of my grandmother at the same age. I wonder how far the similarities will carry and it’s bittersweet to see Evelyn looking like this.

Spring is coming and the emotion I pushed down in the depths of Winter is coming with it, but that’s okay. I can deal with anything when there are blossoms, a baby who wants to breastfeed upside down and the warmth of sunshine on my skin.

Evelyn 13 months


Zelda August 30, 2013 at 11:12 am

Can I smooosh those cheeks and blow raspberries on them please?

Veronica August 30, 2013 at 11:20 am

Absolutely. She’s very smooshy.

Alison August 31, 2013 at 10:43 am

I am not sure why, but there’s something about the way this post is written, so sweetly evocative, that it really moved me.

Krista Petrauskas August 31, 2013 at 11:24 pm

Your post is very evocative and moving as Alison says and I also relate to your post and Alison’s response as a – me too, I can hear in my head someone singing ” To Everything (turn,turn,turn) there is a season,( turn, turn,turn) ..And a time to every purpose ,under Heaven… ”
Is IT the coming of spring that does this? The feeling about things that are about – to burst- the feeling of burgeoning potential that one feels about to burst forth so that the air is palpable, crackling with it …… life continuing on.
My household is changing too – and I must let go of situations as well, and let go of my adult male child not seen very much since 13 years old , who came home damaged and difficult, full of issues,angst, hopefully on the mend. Mothers seem to have to continually let go, so their children can grow .”To every season ….(The Byrds, Pete Seeger)
Thank you, Krista

FunMumx3 September 6, 2013 at 4:37 am

That photo and expression is so caption-worthy… I just can’t think of the right word/s. Anyone?

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