I know, I know. I shouldn’t read Mamamia. I’m pretty sure it is the online equivalent to Today Tonight and A Current Affair, both of which will make your brain cells commit seppaku in protest. But of course, Mamamia is the best troll* website of the lot of them, and I’ve been sucked in like everyone else.
[*Proper definition of a Troll: Someone online who seeks to incite argument, to shock, to cause uproar. See here.]
The debate this week is all about Birthzillas. You know, those crunchy hippy women who bury their placenta under a tree and care about birthing without drugs. Those women that Mia labels “smug and superior”, forgetting that in the same article she was acting just as smug and holier than thou for wanting a legion of doctors at her command.
And here’s where I clarify that I am not judging anyone’s birth choices. I would love all women to have the birth that feels best for them, with the outcome being a happy one. C-section, epidural, home birth, water birth, midwives – I don’t CARE how you birth.
I do however, reserve the right to care about how I birth.
When my first child was born, I went into that delivery suite with no expectations. In fact, that was my entire birth plan. I hadn’t prepared myself for anything, because anything could happen. Surely that’s a good thing right? An open mind about the whole process?
Unfortunately, I was 17 and despite having a loving and supportive partner by my side the whole time, the midwife and doctor who helped me birth seemed bent on making it a “lesson” on why teenagers should not get pregnant. There was no calming influence, no discussion and when it came to getting my daughter out, I was given an episiotomy and a ventouse extraction, while the doctor screamed at me and the the midwife tut-tutted. My entire labour was a bit over 7 hours long and full of more trauma that I ever thought possible.
They left the student OB-GYN to stitch me up afterwards, while I lay in the delivery bed, legs in stirrups, listening to her curse as she re-did my stitches three times. It was her first perineal repair.
It took me twelve months to heal from the episiotomy. That’s twelve months to heal enough to have intercourse without pain, or to urinate without discomfort.
When I fell pregnant with my second child, I was determined to have a better birth. Still scarred from my first experience, I set out to educate myself as much as possible about everything that could go wrong, so that in my own mind, I was more prepared than the first time. I read midwifery blogs, L&D nurse blogs and as much about the natural processes of birth as possible.
I decided I didn’t want to birth with drugs if I could help it and that my birth needed to be as low intervention as possible, not just for my and the baby’s health, but for my own sanity. I saw a supportive midwifery team and despite a pregnancy that seemed likely to have a poor outcome, I birthed my son in hospital, in a calm environment, with two midwives attending and Nathan holding my hands.
No stitches, no stirrups, no screaming, no loss of control and bodily autonomy. The midwife told me afterwards that she was honoured to have witnessed my birth and help deliver my son.
Now I’m pregnant with our third child and determined to have the birth I want again. It may not go to plan – I have fast labours and we have a backup plan if I physically cannot make it to the hospital. This time however, I have a medical reason for needing a low intervention birth.
Turns out I have a rare connective tissue disorder, that affects my collagen. Among other things, I don’t heal easily or well, my joints dislocate and my blood pressure has an alarming habit of dropping dramatically, making me dizzy enough to vomit and pass out.
These things are not conducive to high-intervention births. If, for instance, I was to have a caesarean, it’s likely I would end up in a wheelchair for a good while after birth. An epidural would have the potential to drop my blood pressure low enough to cause serious damage and an episiotomy, as I’ve already discovered, takes a long long time to heal.
As I creep closer to the point where I will birth this third child of mine, I am well aware of my condition and how it will affect my birth. My midwives and doctors have also been appraised of this – but it’s not their job to manage my Ehlers Danlos. Their job is helping me deliver a healthy baby, while not landing me in a wheelchair. My job is to provide them with the information for them to be able to do this, while keeping the baby and I safe.
This is why I have a birth plan and a more-than-passing need for a natural birth. Not because I am a birthzilla, but because I am educated about my choices and the consequences of them.
So before Mia makes a sweeping judgement about all women who want to give birth naturally, based on a trite dinner party anecdote, maybe she ought to educate herself about WHY women make the decisions they do.
It’s not all black and white Mia.
Very well said! Thanks also for finally clarifying what a “troll” is and for not making me feel like the only person on the planet who thinks Mia is a bit of a dick!
Yes, troll is often thrown around to name anonymous commenters, or people who are being less than polite online. But an actual troll seeks to cause uproar and argument with their words, which is what Mia’s articles all seem to be doing lately. Pitting one group of women against another. It’s ugly.
I’ve had a clash with her too over an article a few weeks ago regarding her ‘nana complex’ where she described a couple of disagreements she’d had with women around my age. I have to say though she did apologize & redress with a later article.
I was amused to hear Mia say on ‘The Project’…that bloggers shouldn’t bother aiming to earn big bucks on their blogs and that they would be better off going out busking! I busked for a decade with my bushband….. it paid for the beer and hamburgers. I earn a full time income from my blog and store. It’s possible Mia. Funny that ‘the bloggers’ didn’t pick up on it and praised her for the story??? A-M xx
I heard about that and was a bit stunned – it honestly came across like she doesn’t want more women online because they’ll take away her precious page views. It comes across like jealousy almost.
I know a lot of bloggers who make more than “pocket money” off their sites.
lol with A-M A lot of bloggers did actually pick up on Mia’s comments regarding the busking and we had a quiet chuckle amongst ourselves. It was only the sycophants who were all gushy and fan girly as they think that Mia may be useful to them.
I’m sorry.
I’m just caught on the one sentence:
“I have fast labours”.
I know, I know, you have a myriad of other stuff that sucks, but…
Oh, the jealousy.
Also, for the record, if I didn’t have a birth plan I definitely would have had a C-section instead of a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I had to sign out (twice) Against Medical Advice, and even had one nurse tell me “We have a morgue sheet all filled out for you, just waiting a doctor’s signature”, just because I was two weeks overdue and refusing a C-section.
On the other hand, I had to roll with the punches – I got my VBAC, but I also had a bunch of other stuff I compromised on. Life went on, and you have to roll with the punches.
But if I hadn’t had that birth plan and stuck to my guns, I absolutely would have ended up with a C-Section – something I wanted to avoid at all costs because there was no way of knowing if my RA was going to flare up after giving birth, and who wanted to spend the last three months of “healthy” joints hobbling around from surgery?
But yeah. “Fast labours”…. grumble, grumble.
(Also: My two cents: I appreciate very much the effort made to accommodate my wishes at the two different hospitals I went to, but I absolutely will NOT give birth in one again if I ever go down that road…. it would definitely be a birthing center for me. Who needs to hear “Well, the baby’s heart rate is good… for NOW.” spoken in ominous tones every thirty minutes just because you refuse to wear a monitor continuously? Yeesh.)
It’s scary how some professionals will try and use scare tactics to make women more compliant, isn’t it? I was lucky to avoid that with Isaac’s birth (no time for scare tactics when you’re only there for 15 minutes before the baby arrives) but got A LOT of it with Amy. Ugh.
Great post Veronica, thank you. And Natasha, you are not the only one who thinks MF is a troll. That’s cause she IS a troll. Starting little flame wars is her MO and the way she builds traffic to her site. Hope it backfires this time. I will NEVER visit that site again. The name-calling is too snarky, smug and superior. Exactly the qualities she attacks in others. Pot, meet kettle, dear.
Besides, I don’t believe the placenta story. Smacks of the kind of thing smarmy ‘lifestyle’ journos make up or exaggerate all the time. Hands up anyone who has experienced this supposedly ‘competitive’ birth culture. Not me.
I don’t think I believe the placenta story either. As for the competitive birth culture, I’ve not seen it either and I spent an entire pregnancy immersed in the very very natural birth community, including reading the freebirthers and homebirthers.
While they all had opinions about what they wanted to do, they weren’t terribly worried about other women’s choices. I guess the closest thing was discussion about the lack of natural childbirth education and support in some countries and bemoaning the fact that some women didn’t have choices.
You go for what you want/ need hon! I almost bled out after giving birth to both of mine and NOW I know why. Stupid EDS. Besides, epidurals never worked on me!
Suzanne
Can I ask why you bled out? I’m not vascular type, so I didn’t think bleeding was an issue for me, but do I need to do some more research?
An eloquent statement about why inflammatory language devalues the message. Wishing you the very best with your third bub Veronica xx
Thank you Yvette. I found the “tone” of the piece carried over into the comments too, leading to some less than pleasant responses and infighting. Setting up “mummywars” is never a good thing.
Sorry so late in replying, my laptop died and trying to do this from my phone! I have mixed type EDS, mix of Hypermobile, Classic, and Vascular. However, I’ve been told that ANYONE with any type of EDS has a 25% chance of vascular issues. This was by the EDNF.
Suzanne
Kudos, Veronica. I cannot read that website – purporting to be a feminist and anti-cyber bullying and then writing articles that admonish a certain group of women and call them names. Pot, meet kettle.
We plan for life not knowing exactly what the outcome will be – we buy insurance, we save for a rainy day, we study etc. Our lives don’t always follow our plan but does that mean that we shouldn’t have them? Or admonish those who do?
My birth plan consisted of my wishes for every step of the process including what I would prefer happen should I require a caesarian, with the word prefer being used for a reason. I chose not to rely on my ability to speak through contractions or the ability of my midwives and OB to read my mind.
Yes, sometimes the hypocrisy is so thick you could walk on it.
And that’s it exactly. We plan for life – why not plan for birth too? You can change your mind when circumstances change!
I had a birth plan for both my births and they included which drugs I was happy with and which drugs I wasnt…it also included information of my wishes with how I would like things to go if I needed C-sections. Birth plans arent just for ‘crazy hippy’ births.
To write my birth plan I had to learn about birth and what commonly happens….thats a GOOD thing to know about in advance!
Births dont always go to plan 23 hours of strong labour with bub number 1 meant an epidural, an episiotomy and a ventouse extraction…but the midwives and the obgyn were all lovely (yay for birth centres!!!!) as each new shift came on they would say “now Ive read your birth plan and we are about HERE on your list of options” how are you feeling about that?
Yep Mia is a Troll in the traditional sence of the word…all about generating trafic and division!
That is it exactly. A birth plan requires that you learn about the physiology of birth, which is never a bad thing! It also gives health care providers an idea of what you want within reason. They’re not mind readers after all.
Thank you for another perspective against Miss Freedman’s cause. How she remains so popular among women I have no idea. She’s nothing more than a smug superior that she so seems to despise.
You’re first birth sounds horrendous and it’s sad that some medical professionals feel the need to make judgment. I hope your next birth is all that you’ve planned for 🙂
I think it’s important to present a range of perspectives in issues like this that have the ability to divide women so drastically.
My second birth was amazing, and while I’ve got a set of preferences for this upcoming birth, I’m expecting that with a third baby and a supportive health care team (plus husband) it will all be fine. Thank you!
Oh how I am super pleased to read this article. I am 38 weeks pregnant & have a birth plan. Like many of you who have written they’ve done the same, researching my plan was important. I have a plan A. If that can’t work, then a plan B. and plan C etc. it was about educating myself about the options & giving the midwives who will assist the birth, an insight into ME – my preferences, likes/dislikes, my personality. I don’t see that as being a Birthzilla and was mortified to think that wanting to be educated was a bad thing. I’ve had friends tell me to not bother and to throw my birth plan out the window as nothing goes to plan. Hmmm, unless they invent a new way of delivering babies, I don’t see how my plan can fail. I want a water birth. If I can’t have one, then I’ll take drugs. If I need something stronger, give me an epidural. If the baby is in distress, give me a caesarean. How does this make me a Birthzilla? Maybe I need to stipulate in my plan that I must be referred to as Princess Megan and be fed peeled grapes and not feel a thing???
Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling since I read that F’d up article & was beginning to feel bullied about wanting to be involved in the upcoming birth of my son X
I am so glad you read this too. It’s hard when you read something that makes you feel like you’re alone in things, especially when you’re pregnant.
I like the idea of being fed peeled grapes, I think I ought to organise that for myself here too!
Also, I think that it’s important that we remember that birthing a baby is something we DO, not something that just happens to us. By being actively involved in the process, mentally AND physically, we can lessen the fear that comes with the unknown sensations and hopefully (ideally) make the whole thing less stressful on ourselves.
Oh yes. I had to stop reading Mama Mia a long time ago for this exact reason. Also, she has long since moved from being a ‘mummy blogger’ which she is still regularly touted as – which she was for a few minutes in 2009 – to being a publisher of a large website that, yes, strives to incite controversy. I don’t like so it so choose not to read.
Anyhoo that aside.
I totally agree.. I hate the idea of ‘Birthzilla’. I mean we’re talking about women’s BODIES for goodness sake. Such a personal thing. I want to have every say over MY BODY. If something goes wrong with MY BODY, I could die (worst case scenario but in two births I’ve had three haemhorrages, one of then very significant resulting in crashing-ambulancing-hospital-surgery).
So yeah. Props to you Veronica, I completely agree with you. On both counts.
Exactly! These are our bodies we’re talking about, are we meant to give up all our autonomy, just because we’re doing something new, or because we didn’t go to medical school?
I think it’s important to be educated and to know your body and where your choices and preferences lie.
This is a really well-written post and makes some useful points. In fairness to Mamamia though, I do think she was really having a go at women who are so wedded to their birth plan that they experience all kinds of depression/guilt/regret when it doesn’t go to plan. And as we all know, it doesn’t always go they way we might hope. I also think that sometimes people give more thought to the birth than the lifetime of challenges that come after it (a bit like, as Mia mentioned) comparing the ‘wedding’ to the ‘marriage’. Of course, Mia’s job is to incite debate and she is very good at doing that! But I wouldn’t abandon her site altogether. In fact anyone can contribute an article to the site (Mia herself doesn’t write many of the articles anymore) so maybe some of you might like to have a go at writing up your perspective and offering it to them for publication?
I’m not sure that her “having a go” at any women is the best stance for her to be taking. It felt a bit attacking, you know? She might not agree with their decisions, but it’s their birth, their body, their baby.
I think planning for the birth is important, as it sets up so many aspects of parenting. A good birth can promote bonding, breastfeeding and a lesser risk of PND, whereas a traumatic birth can have the opposite effect. In that case, I don’t think it’s anything like planning a wedding vs thinking about the marriage.
Inciting debate is different to inciting attack too, and sadly, I felt Mia fell on the side of inciting attack this time.
I’d love to offer up my perspectives for Mia, but I doubt she’ll have me somehow!
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I agree with you that having a go at any women is unproductive. I guess I didn’t take it as inciting attack, but I understand why everyone has reacted as they have. If nothing else it did lead me to your site and I’m really enjoying the high standard of debate and opinion here. 🙂
I try very hard to keep everything respectful and open for all opinions here, especially when I touch on topics like birth, which have so many trigger issues for so many women.
I think I took it as inciting attack because there have been a spate of posts belittling and attacking the homebirthing/attachment parenting/etc etc communities lately. It’s like she’s decided that this group of people are lesser and so therefore, able to be bullied. It frustrates me a bit.
I didn’t have a plan, as such — more like vaguely expressed desires. But that was because my ob history turned doctors pale. SO — we hoped and made vague plans based on our hopes, but were prepared for anything.
I’ve had some delightful birth experiences (thankyou, Kalgoorlie Regional Hospital) and some not-so-great (King Eddie in Perth) but the end result was, I got my babies and all hospitals did what they thought would be in the best interest of us all.
I have my fingers crossed for you, Veronica. A pleasant birth is by far the better option!
Also — I never read MF. The comments make me feel very bad.
I agree with you actually. Although I think Mamamia has its good and bad points, the comments are sometimes very depressing.
I think I’m lucky as to where I birth, a lot of the things I would put in a birth plan (skin to skin immediately provided we’re both well, rooming in, immediate breastfeeding) are things that are done as matter of course, which means I didn’t have to write them down.
Healthy baby is definitely the desired result though and I think women who plan things down to a tee are merely trying to manage that as well.
Comments over there make me despair too.
I’m so sorry to hear about the experience of your first birth. It must have been emotionally hard to deal with as well as physically. It sounds like the second one was much better and this one is planned for as well. Good luck with the impending birth. 🙂
I am not a birthzilla but I have had birth plans for my two previous labours and I am 28 weeks pregnant. I have a plan for this one too. I also know that it may not necessarily happen the way I plan but at least the doctors have an indication of what I would like to happen with each possible scenario rather than having them ask me while I’m in labour or having them decide for me.
I actually didn’t remember a lot of it until after my son was born – his amazing birth made way for a lot of the memories. I do remember holding Amy skin to skin while we were still in delivery – we’d been left alone to “bond” for a bit – and I could hear another woman pushing. I remember shaking and feeling nauseous and thinking “I am so glad we’re not doing that anymore.” So yes, traumatic, but almost 6 years on, it’s lost a lot of its sting. I’m still wary of OBs though and prefer my midwife team!
I have to admit to originally being a Mia Freedman fan, I felt for her after the Cadel Evans backlash and I might even be in possession of one of her books but I’ve stopped reading Mamamia too. I might flick over to read a particular writer but I’ve become increasingly disappointed in the lack of moderation and tone. The public lynching of the mother who drove her children to school while drunk, you should never smack your children, have sex with your husband every day, etc – it’s all a bit holier than thou.
I felt for her during the Cadel backlash as well, but it doesn’t stop me disagreeing with most of what she writes. I think we’re just two very very different people.
The lack of moderation and posts that feel designed to incite attack make me sad. Public lynching is never pretty.
Good on you, Veronica ; so nice to read a calm, rational, factual, insightful and sensitive article on this subject without the hysterical name-calling and vitriol dripping from the text.
Tara Moss also wrote a very well balanced and respectful piece this morning too: http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/birth/birth-plan/in-defence-of-birth-plans-20120617-20idn.html
Her tone was great and her commenters (when I read them this morning) were also respectful.
Very well written Veronica. I also find Mia seems to delight in inciting women to beat each other up – whereas I’m much more about accepting that we are all different and can do so much more by accepting and supporting each other. Like you, I had a really difficult first birth … I was treated terribly by hospital staff, and my wishes and dignity were not taken into account. My son and I could have died, and after a third-grade tear AND episiotomy, and loads of other complications, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder as well as PND. Yes, I was grateful to have my baby, but I should never have been treated the way I was during that labour.
My second birth was different. My midwife and obstetrician respected me and my birth plan. They helped me work with my body and showed my then husband how to help me give birth to our baby.
It was one of the most beautiful – and healing – moments of my life. Yes, I still tore, and I still needed an episiotomy. The damage that had been done before saw to that.
But because much of it happened naturally and with support, I experienced the hormonal rush and endorphins that is meant to come with childbirth.
There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ when it comes to creating babies or birthing them (either way), nor bringing them up.
Why can’t we just accept that? Women need to be more supportive of each other, because when we are, we are powerful!
I didn’t remember much of Amy’s birth until after Isaac arrived, when I started remembering bits and pieces. Traumatic, for sure.
At least she’s not Miranda Divine…
I decided that I would start calling the bully in my head Miranda, because I don’t respect anything she says, so I can start ignoring the bully.
I like that.
Thank you for this post. I just want to give you a solidarity high five. Sounds like we may have had very similar experiences, except I know that my episiotomy and tear (in a different direction) were properly stitched, as I had many appointments with a 3rd/4th degree tear specialist for months afterwards.
Choices on how a woman wants to bring her own child into the world are as personal and controversial as a woman’s choice to be a stay-at-home mum or return to work. Why do some believe they have a right to judge another for such personal choices. The goal is a safe, memorable journey that ends with the safe birth of a precious baby and the ultimate happiness and safety of baby’s Mother.
I was intense about a birth plan with my first. I had to throw it in the bin because from first twinge to birth was only 3 hours (that wasn’t in the plan :-), I had no time to enact any plan yet I was glad that I had it. It made me feel confident and secure facing the unknown world of giving birth for the first time.
It’s surely time for all Mothers to unite and show the world how to live without judgement, criticism or prejudice.
Thanks for a great post.
I almost want to laugh at the whole “debate” because unless you are squatting at home, my experience is (and I’ve had kids in several states!) that doctors and staff never listen anyway…
Good luck tho! Maybe Australia is different or better yet, maybe bring your mum who will set everyone straight in a millisecond. 🙂
Good response Veronica.
My take on this is that there are women who see birth as a medical process that they want to be over and done with as quickly as possible and will do whatever they have to do to make that happen. Judging from the article, I suspect Ms Freedman is one of those people, as would be many doctors and hospital staff. I understand why people would see birth in that way, and if that’s what they think, then good luck to them, that’s their belief and their choice. I respect their right to have that viewpoint.
I wish that the people that label women who view birth in a different way and who care about the way in which their child comes into the world as “birthzillas” in this case, would show the same respect for the opinions of other people.
I cared very much about how my child came into the world, and I wish I had been more prepared for what could happen and been able to stand up to the medical staff when various things were done to me. But I was a first time mum and I trusted them to do what was right for me and my baby – it wasn’t until later, when I started to process my experiences, ask questions and do some reading that I found out it probably didn’t have to be that way. What happened affected me deeply, it affected my relationship with my baby and from time to time it still upsets me, 5 years later.
I think possibly what Ms Freedman is trying to say (at least in part) is that if I hadn’t cared so much about my birth experience and had just been happy to accept whatever happened, then the outcome for my mental state afterwards might have been quite different. Perhaps that’s true, perhaps not. I’ll never know. But if that was something she was trying to get across, it was so hidden in her judgemental statements about people who do care, who do their research and are informed, it got lost in the uproar.
The fact is that I did care, and I still do care, and I believe childbirth is more than just another medical procedure. We hear a lot about bad things happening to women who avoid hospitals, but what do we hear about the long term side effects of unnecessary interventions?
I went in to my first labour a little naive. I knew I wanted to do it without drugs if I could. Luckily, it was very textbook, quick and everything went well. With my second I decided on midwife care because the first went so well. I didn’t have a birth plan as such, but again I wanted a natural labour. What a crazy ride that was… even if I did have any sort of birth plan it all would have went out the window. A baby born 3 months early, a very traumatic birthing experience and few months afterwards… but at the end of the day, we got there & I am enjoying my little girl after everything that has happened (no PTSD, I fought it like a mad & wasn’t going to let it affect me). I think we can try to plan things but we have to be prepared that things might not work out the way we want them to.
I hope your third labour is a smooth ride! =)
If there is one good thing to have come out of that awful article it is the way women have spoken out about their own birth experiences, good and bad. Your piece brings a whole new perspective to this discussion. I am so sorry you were treated that way at 17 but so glad you have come through it all so empowered. Wishing you the best for your third birth.
Michelle
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