When I started blogging, I swore I would be honest. I was having a hard time parenting my high maintenance baby and I naturally gravitated to blogs who were ‘telling it like it is’ with the dirty bits of motherhood not spit shined up for public consumption. That’s how I liked my blogs, dirty and real.
And so, I swore I would be honest, which I have been. I’ve also been guilty of pulling the funny bits out of motherhood and writing about them, and not about all the crap that I seem to spend every day slipping in. Figurative crap, not actual crap. For the record.
So. Honesty.
***
I dislocated my knee Sunday night. It was bad. I screamed and then I was stuck, unable to move at all, in front of the computer with a fully dislocated fibula and two wakeful needy children. Yes, Nathan was about and he child wrangled, but he has a tendency to huff and so the more he huffed, the more stressed I felt and the worse the pain got. Having a dislocated knee is not fun. Even less fun when it stays out for nearly 3 hours, with your partner asking if maybe you should ring the nurse hotline and me asking what on earth they were going to tell me that I didn’t already know. Damned if I was going to hospital for a dislocation I’ve done lots before.
About 2 hours in, Amy came over for a cuddle, despite me telling her not to touch me (loudly and with slight screeching) and she bumped me and my knee twisted slightly.
Absolute agony.
I screamed, louder than I should have, for her not to touch me.
It hurt. It fucking hurt. She twisted me just enough to make my fibula move from it’s completely dislocated but not insanely painful place, to it’s I might just grind against this bone right here and make you scream.
I screamed and Amy screamed and as I sobbed, she sobbed.
It was bad.
Nathan cuddled her, while I explained, through my sobbing, that I wasn’t angry with her, but that my knee was really very painful.
15 minutes later and much agony to boot, my knee went CLICK and the dislocation reduced. Of course, it promptly tried to pop out again while I held it in place, crying, while we braced it and Nathan helped me hobble to the toilet. I was pretty close to wetting myself. Three hours, it’s a long time.
But going back, to me explaining to Amy that I couldn’t cuddle her and she needed to stay away, and her going ahead and doing exactly what she wanted.
This is what Amy is like.
All
the
time.
She doesn’t listen. She is very THREE! at the top of her lungs and she goes ahead with whatever she wants, regardless of what I’m saying.
Which you might say is just THREE! and that’s very possible, but this kid, she doesn’t listen. It’s like, once she gets an idea in her head, her brain shuts off to me telling her no. In fact, the louder I screech NO! and run towards her, the faster she does it.
That’s how we ended up with a whole carton of milk spilled on the floor.
And some days, I am just at my wits end because this kid, I love her but fucking hell is she hard to parent. Time out – doesn’t work. Smacking – doesn’t work. Nothing seems to get through to her as a consequence for her actions.
She is hard and she is beautiful and love her, but oh man, some days, I just wish that I didn’t appear to be the only one parenting a child who is so high maintenance. I’d love to teach her to read, just for the peace it would give me, but she refuses to learn anything she doesn’t want to.
Like numbers – she can count, but god help you if you try and count with her. Or correct her. Or try and show her how the numbers look on paper. The same with letters. She knows them, but she does not want to learn how to recognise them. She just will not do anything she doesn’t want to. Stubborn as anything and smart to boot. God help me.
So, honesty.
I yell too much. I say no too often. I frequently am stuck tearing my hair out because this kid won’t listen and I wonder, what is different with her to make her the way she is. I wish that things were easier, but they’re not and she is hard to parent. Time outs are frequent. And this is all when she’s gluten free and colour free and so much nicer than she used to be.
She is hard. Three! is hard.
No one tells you these things when you get pregnant.
They just don’t.
Email to a friend
{ 48 comments }
Three is hard, but I know what you mean about stubborn and smart and high maintenance, and just will not be told. I have one like that. But I don’t often dislocate things, so I think that probably makes a difference for me. All I can say is that 4 is a bit better … less tantrums but still not much flexibility/compliability (something like that).
Mr Small is nearly three and sounds very similar to your little one. Yup. No one tells you it will be this hard. And I know why….
Ugh I so get it (the kid bit, not the knee thing). I have no great helpful advice, just empathy.
Oh Veronica, I feel for you. I truly do. I don’t have the answer myself. Most of the time, I’m just winging the motherhood thing.
That said, vent and be brutally honest here. We’ll always be here listening and supporting you. Loads of hugs.xoxoxo
I admire your honesty. Especially in describing THREE, which is bloody awful. I have a threenager I could cheerfully strangle too, so I feel your pain and frustration. I resent Lexie. Love her more than life itself, but resent her awfulness. xx
They talk about the “terrible twos” but I thought two was a breeze compared to three. Three is all about being stubborn. Four was a sigh of relief.
Love your honesty. The world needs loads more honesty. Sorry about your knee. That just plain sucks. xo
You nearly lost me with the duck hunting. But now, with the smacking, you’ve lost me.
I hope you find a way to be happy with your child.
Yep no one tells you….
The world seems to think that all children should listen all the time and obey…. but in all honesty that is total crap. A three year old doesn’t have the ability to listen most of the time, let alone to decode the message and then do it… If only more people were honest about what real life is like with real kids then maybe we wouldn’t have these stupid expectations from the dark ages!
*hugs*… it gets easier… my girls still have many many MANY moments of not listening but they also have moments when it all comes together and I finally feel like I might just have gotten through!
I love this post. I love that you are honest about what it is like to parent a THREE, and a high maintenance one at that.
You have a loving, inquistive child that has the confidence to know what she wants, and not be swayed. It may be a struggle to live with this, but what wonderful virtues and traits have you instilled in your daughter through your parenting. Silver lining right?
I just found your blog, have only read this post and am nodding along. Not about the dislocated knee, but about the high maintenance kid bit. All through three we heard “she’s just a 3 year old” and now we get “she’s just a four year old”. Well, no, she isn’t. Some kids are more stubborn, more full on, more independant, louder and yeah – brighter, but god forbid we should voice that opinion! I see all the other 4 year old kids listening to their Mums who said on day one of kindy “just stay here and wait for me”, whereas 4 months on I’m still saying it every.freaking.day and being blatantly ignored in that I hear what you’re saying but it differs from what I want to do, so I choose to obey my insinct instead.
Three is very hard.
Four is harder still (nobody ever told me that either) and don’t get me started with teenagers. I think I finally felt like I was doing okay when Immy and Maddy were seven.
Hugs.
I hope your knee feels better soon. That still has to be painful.
Oh Sarah, I am happy with my child. I love her amazingly so, but life is hard with her. She is not an easy child and I am okay with saying that. RE: smacking, that is a contentious issue and I don’t really want to go into it.
My grandaughter is 9, and she used to be that way. She was 4 the year I had the car accident, and didn’t understand my pain, it scared her. I spent years in physio, and she went with me for quite a few appointments. She watched and learned what was going on, what made me feel better, what made me cry. Now, when I am in the bathroom, crying because I can’t breathe because of the pain, she comforts me and knows where to rub and where to ‘not touch’. It isn’t fair to her sometimes, as it is something beyond what she should be straddled with, but it is life. It is reality. It is me and her together. At any age kids will react to a parent/grandparent/loved one in pain in different ways. It is not wrong or right, it is how they deal with it. Our reaction back also can’t be judged, we can’t see beyone the moment sometimes, when I can only see stars from the pain I can’t registar anything else. I don’t care, I just want the pain to go away. I love you, but get the helll away. Luckily for me, she is old enough to understand, but I still hate that I can be that way towards her, when she is not at fault.
Kristin – Mum and I were saying the same thing this morning. Two was a breeze compared to Three! I feel like I’m running 3 steps behind her all the time.
I rather enjoyed THREE but we had a fairly tempestuous TWO. One thing I found that was a help was a long walk after breakfast to a playground to let off steam and then the walk back before doing any activities that required concentration. I know this may not be something you can do personally but could Nathan take Amy (and Isaac too when he’s a bit older) every morning for at least an hour of physical activity to burn off some of the exuberant excess energy possessed by THREE? Long walks and running etc in the fresh air had a great calming effect on my younger son in his pre-school years. A well run nursery/playgroup session or two would also be good for Amy if you can arrange it. If nothing else at least you would get some respite from the continuous ‘joys’ of unalloyed THREE! You do actually deserve some time to breathe
I also have advice for those who have their 25 yr-old (but still channelling TWO!) sons back home to live after requiring spinal surgery to repair the damage caused by falling out of a tree! Actually early brainwashing may be of more use. Something along the lines of ‘trees, beer, BAD COMBINATION!’ on a continuous loop should do the trick.
Hey, wrote something v. similar about my 3yo. It’s the way he is, but if I say “I’m dissappointed or that makes me sad” upsets him and stops him the most at the moment. I got told to read about Indigo children, apparently that’s what I’ve got
So true. I’m hoping for you that she might grow out of it slightly?
Sounds like you’re going to have two opposites in your children.
I really believe it’s inbuilt in their personality right from birth. We are thinking Emily is going to be the same, which started from wiggling and ripping the blankets off herself in hospital. We knew then that she would be independent and headstrong.
I’m sorry that you were in so much pain, I can’t imagine going through that and still having to be a mum at the same time.
I like that you wrote about it though… Your blog is the place that you can be honest and tell it like it is. Parenting is hard. Anyone that says its easy must be on much better medication than me!
So thank you for being honest, th
I hope your knee is settling down by now. Keep with the honesty, it’s an admirable quality. BG Xx
I have an almost two year old that i can see going the exact same way, I love her to bits but gosh she is a difficult little person at times.
I hope you both get through her THREE! year smoothly.
*hug*
fuckfhego
Let’s face it, if people told you what it would be like when you were pregnant, no one would ever have any babies
God, V, it is so hard sometimes. Your spirited little world-beater may one day grow up to cure cancer (determined enough, smart enough) but for right now she must be so challenging for you. Especially given the ED and all it means for you. Kudos to you for managing it all with grace and dignity, even in the tough times.
And Sarah, seriously? You read *this whole entry* and your take-home was one single throwaway reference to smacking? I think you might want to check your moral high ground to make sure you’re standing in quicksand, honey.
Terrible Twos. Tiresome Threes…Effing fours. I shudder to think what the fives will bring
(mine are 4 and 2, so I don’t know yet)
How about we lock all th 3 year olds in a room and see who comes out at the end of the day?
I so get this, not the knee thing (even though I do have a torn ACL, and have done for 20 years, it is nowhere near that bad), but the 3 thing. Today I expected to have a good day. She woke up happy and loving. But at swimming, she wouldn’t listen. She didn’t want to go home either.
I played Barbie.com. I played doctors with the Barbies and toy snake (that zoo show has a lot to answer for. We are extracting stuck eggs from the snake on a regular basis), I cuddled under the covers when the rain came and read stories. But by dinner I was losing it. FIVE MINUTES PEACE PLEASE!!!
Then it was an argument about having a bath because she wanted to do more colouring. She wanted to phone someone. Anyone. She wanted to talk on the phone, Until her Dad rang, and she wanted to talk no longer.
Everythin becomes an issue. Fortunately, after she totally loses it she will give herself time out some of the time. She goes to her room, shuts the door and screams. When she is quiet I go in, tell her I need a hug, and she runs to my arms and falls apart.
She’ll tell me 100 times a day she loves me, and at those times it is soooo worth it.
My daughter was a lot like Amy. Twenty years later she still has a mind of her own, but now I’m glad of it. Jess has two older brothers. Trying to keep up with them made her do everything a little too early for safety… climbing on tables, riding bikes, falling off tables, falling off bikes. I read too many “difficult child” books along the way. Reading, art, singing, swimming all started younger than expected but helped her disposition. She enjoyed the challenges. Four-year-old gymnastics channeled some of her energy. “This too shall pass”. Someone told me to put up a banner to remind me of that, when she was driving me batty. She’s still fun.
The thing is, people DO try to tell us when we try for our first how hard it’ll be, but we never really understand what they’re talking about till we’ve been there.
“I screamed and Amy screamed and as I sobbed, she sobbed.”
This was me and Zack when my kneecap popped out. He was terrified. Poor wee sod. I literally couldn’t help the screaming as it kept spasming. Can’t deny I felt a little sick reading this – it reminded me of the pain. It’s HORRIBLE isn’t it?
Hope Amy becomes a little easier for you soon. Zack is quite similar, even at almost 5 I still end up having to shout at him to get him to do anything. Pain in the butt. Mind you, if I tell him I’m gonna sell his DS he usually does whatever it is asap. Either that or he gives it to me defiantly and says he doesn’t care.
And we want more of them? We must be crazy! >_<
Two time outs before 8am today.
You’re not alone.
Hugs.
Wow, you could have written that post about MY three year old. Someone once said that whoever coined the phrase “terrible twos” had never met a three year old. Sometimes I think mine is bipolar – he goes from what you described to the sweetest, most gentle thing at the drop of a hat. He’s sugar free and dye free, haven’t tried the gluten switch yet, but I might have to. We have found though that when he gets REALLY crazy, the best option is to feed him. I’ve also been told by a few parents that their kids used to be like that and school calmed them right down. Here’s hoping!
Oh Veronica – if this happens with your knee regularly and I hope not, ask for Valium (diazepam) so that you can reduce yourself. That amount of time is not unreasonable for an ambulance by the way. They would probably have given you entonox and done it there and then for you. Physiotherapy assessment would be a good idea I think. Poor you I understand.
Perhaps your mum would be able to help said three year old to make the alphabet out of clay, then she could paint it herself as well. Some children respond well to learning by feeling the shape of the letters rather than looking at them. She is young yet though and bright so I imagine she gets frustrated when she doesn’t ‘get’ it immediately – right now, right then. Mine are about the same distance apart in age and I don’t think eldest girl has ever gotten over the shock of a sibling, feeling a constant competition in that he may catch up or something. When mine was the same age she kept losing her voice and we took her to the gp – he told us that she was talking too much for a child that age and had worn out her voice box! Try telling a three year old to stop talking. I was a child who would tantrum until I stopped breathing – just lovely when lovely and when i was good I was very very good but when I was bad I was horrid! Totally understand – hopefully nursery and school will wear her out a bit and give her something to think about other than getting your attention 24/7.
xoxoxox
Yes yes yes again! Exactly the same.
Mothers don’t make things easy for each other either. They don’t talk about this stuff with each other. It’s all about the cute things they say and the new things they can do. It’s hard to say that it’s this hard.
If people told you about three when you were pregnant you would just laugh disbelievingly and then forget all about it. Because your child wouldn’t be anything like that. Mine’s not three yet but we’ve just been through three with my niece (it’s carrying forward into four!)
Consistency helps. Picking battles helps. Early bedtime + more sleep helps (But.. She’s three so HAHAHAHA). Lots of physical activity helps. But the only thing that really “works” is for her to grow up. Funny how we want to keep them little and have them grow up fast at the same time!!!
Sorry about your knee, Hope it’s feeling better! I have 2 boys, four and 1, dear god can they be awful, sweet and cuddly, but also stubborn, loud, wriggly, and the ability to ignore, my shouting, or chasing, or tickle torture, or any time out possible. my 4 year old has not calmed down, yet! so terrible two! yeah right,.it should be renamed to torurous two, freaking four, scary five and so on…All I know is someday he will be 32, and hopefully calmer. lol.
oops, that was torturous two.
Your knee sounds like more pain one person should endure
Is it feeling better?
I understand what you are saying here. I find parenting hard all the time. My girl child is alot harder than the boy one!
Oh heck, that sounds awful. The knee thing. The 3 year old thing sounds all too familiar. I wish I could write as honestly as you. I think my in-laws would have me committed if I did though!
I liked the idea that we could put all our 3 (or 2, or 4) year olds into a room and see who came out. That made me lol.
That’s really really shit.
Amy is an adventurer. A problem for you now, for sure, but later in life when she needs to push boundaries to find answeres, she will do so. Think of people like Charles Darwin, Marie Curie, Thomas Edison etc. amy is one of them. One day she may be the one to discover something new and exciting for the world. Something essential, like a cure for the common cold, (or EDS). She may be a great scientist of a really fantastic designer, (milk puddles on floors make patterns). She may go into outer space and set up colonies on other planets.
P.S. I like Achelois’s idea about having Amy work with clay. A creative outlet for her energies and she will learn about the patient waiting needed while things are drying then fired or whatever happens when you make stuff. You’d think I’d know more about this after reading Kim’s blog……
I’m trying to be honest, too. In everything, all the time. Not to say I was a huge liar or something, but maybe a huge wearer of emotional armor that caused me to keep a lot inside, rather than feel the pain that releasing it would bring. Anyway, thanks for being honest. It’s what keeps us grounded, I think. And thanks for writing about Nathan, too! I love when the whole family’s included!
I don’t get the “terrible twos” thing . Im my experience i would take a dozen 2 year old over 1 three year old. My own 3 year old is hard , she is loud and does not listen nothing works with her either and we have tried everything with disipline and rewards. She is out of control and makes everyones life very difficult – but is also the one who gives me the most kisses and tells me all the time she loves me.
Hopefully 4 will be better for you , i like 4 . It has been a good age for my eldest
I am so with you on this. I have 2 year old twin girls and one in particular has no desire to listen to anyone! ahhh Just found your site via Brenda and great to find someone who is dead honest. Mich x
When my 17 year old (gasp!) was 3 years old, she refused any sort of correction. Wouldn’t stay in a time-out chair. Luckily, she was a peanut and we still had her in her crib. So that’s were she went for time-out. Except she threw everything out of the crib on the floor, including all bedding, and her clothes, then she wet on the mattress.
Yeah.
So I took her to the Pediatrician. He said “Elaine! Did you really do that? If you do that again I will have to come over to your house!” I’m not sure what that threat implied, but she immediately stopped those nasty shenanigans. And she liked the Pediatrician. Perhaps you can try this as well.
By the way, my formerly hellacious 3 year-old is now a beautiful 17 year old young woman, graduating high school, going away to college in the Fall, and we all managed to survive.
Good luck and I know you’ll make it, too.
Forgot one thing. The beautiful 17 year old daughter has Ehlers-Danlos Type III and we’re setting up for housing accomodations at college and seeing if we can get her a scooter to help prevent the dislocations from occurring to begin with. The campus is 2 miles by 4 miles and has three other EDS students who all had to get motorized wheelchairs or scooters. Going to see the doctor in 2 weeks and hopefully convince him to write the script in advance instead of waiting for the inevitable dislocations to occur.
I’m more than Ten thousand miles away but kids seem to be going through the same phases no matter where on the planet ;D
But wait a minute, she’s three, I thought what mine were going through was called “the terrible two” challenges, you mean it doesn’t stop once they blow their thrid candle?!!! ;D
I’ve read all the comments now and fell like I shouldn’ t be complaining too much as they are only two (two twos but still only two ;D)
You know what i have an equally difficult daughter,
at times she is great and listens like a perfect angel…
but other times i swear she is the devil in disguise!
And good on you for being able to say that it’s difficult alot of pepole don’t have the courage to do so.
But i’m hearing you stubborn yet beautiful little girls are lots of work!!
btw lets hope your knee doesn’t do that again in a hurry!
Comments on this entry are closed.
{ 2 trackbacks }