How I ended up running my hands up and down a large phallic object repeatedly, while my husband laughed

by Veronica on March 28, 2014

in Gotta Laugh, Soapmaking

I made soap the other day using PVC pipe as moulding.

It will be FINE I thought. I’ll grease them well. What could go wrong? I’ve done it before. NO DRAMAS.



So, there I was, two pipes filled with soap, cooled and hardened enough to handle.

I tapped them on the sink. Nothing. I shook them. Nope. I pushed my palm up against the bit I could reach. Not going to happen.

Whose idea was it to buy pipe my fist can’t fit in? Tell me that.

(It was mine)

So I put the pipes in the freezer for a few hours. This is not going to be a problem. I thought. Freeze for two hours, hot water on the outside of the pipe, little push, voila!

Two hours later, I was at the sink running hot water over the pipe, trying deperately to keep hold of everything while my gloves got slicker and slicker. Using a shampoo bottle (DON’T JUDGE ME) I got the soap moving. Like a giant push pop, up it came. But slowly, so slowly. And it was hard work.

Now, yes. I should have stopped right there, left everything alone for another 24 hours. But I am impatient, and I pick at things and poke at them until everything explodes.

So I kept pushing.

This is where the problem arose. With the soap three quarters emerged from the pipe and still determined to stick, I ran out of leverage. My shampoo bottle was not long enough to push the entire thing out.

Nathan came into the bathroom as I was considering my options.

“Would you like some help?”

Only twenty minutes ago HONEY, I growled inside my head.


And that’s when it happened.

Nathan, taking a firm grasp of the pipe held it out to me. Soap, like a giant tentacle emerging from the end.

My gloves were slick as I pulled the soap cylinder. And over and over my hands slipped, until I found an excellent rhythm, reminiscent of masturbating a giant zucchini.

Thirty seconds later, and with a slight pop, my soap emerged, looking hardly the worse for wear.

I smoothed the edges, white lather foaming around my gloves.

Nathan couldn’t help it.

He laughed and laughed and laughed.

And that’s when I realised I needed a better way to remove soap from pvc piping.

If you’re keeping track, I had soap in 2 moulds, and have successfully managed to remove the soap from 1 mould. Using the power of mathematics I can prove to you this equals one soap mould still full and steadfastly refusing to give up its treasure.

Whose idea was this?

river March 28, 2014 at 3:47 pm

Ha Ha!! Measure the diameter of your PVC pipe, then go to Bunnings and get a piece of dowel that will fit inside it and also is long enough of course, then use that to push the soap out.

river March 28, 2014 at 3:48 pm

Or one of those wooden curtain rods that are about two inches thick?

river March 28, 2014 at 3:50 pm

One more thing, next time spray the inside of the pipe with non-stick spray or line it with a long thin plastic bag, which will leave nice wrinkle markings around your soap.

Veronica March 28, 2014 at 3:53 pm

I did the spray. If I could get my hand in there, I’d use vaseline which works better. I think I’ll either try and get some plastic to slide in there, or baking paper.

Dorothy March 29, 2014 at 1:02 pm

The hilarious adventures of the soap maker. Can you send me some? The sleepy one sound delicious 🙂

Rosie March 30, 2014 at 6:33 am

Great read dear girl. I, too, laughed and laughed.

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