So, mice have soft fur….
…And I was thinking, since I am such a bloodthirsty killer, I could totally make a mouse skin blanket out of mice that I kill with my schwacker.
But, see, mice are dirty. So I would have to wash the skins first.
My plan?
1 – Schwack a mouse. Maybe do some reflex training so that I am actually fast enough to schwack the mouse. So far my schwacker remains completely clean of mouse blood. So does my conscience.
2 – Keep the mouse comatose, but not dead. Give mouse a bath, along with shampoo to make it nice and clean.
3 – Carefully dry the comatose mouse (maybe I need some mouse chloroform to keep it asleep?) and fluff their fur appropriately.
4 – Sharpen my very good, very sharp boning knife. Sharpen it to really really really fucking sharp.
5 – Kill mouse humanely. Maybe with a hammer blow to the head. Very quick and as the mouse is asleep (see above for mouse chloroform), very humane.
6 – Cut mouse’s head off, trying (and I guess failing) to keep blood away from the fur. Make an incision along the stomach and back legs and using the knife carefully peel the skin off.
7 – Feed left over mouse bits to the cats. Hope that this will teach the cats to catch mice so that I don’t have to do it for them.
8 – Make sure the mouse skin is clean of flesh and carefully peg it out to dry (use drawing pins). Refer to handheld manual, ‘How To Dry Mouse Skins For Use As A Blanket’ (albeit a very small blanket. More of a mouse warning sign).
9 – Make sure skin stays nice and dry for the next few weeks.
10 – Repeat x150 to get enough skins to sew together.
11 – Make sure the remaining alive mice see the mouse-skin blanket at every opportunity. Taunt them with it until they fuck off forever.
Hopefully by about mouse #5, the cats will have gotten the idea and I won’t have to schwack so many of them. (The mice, not the cats) Maybe I will even recruit the cats to hand me dead, pre-washed (read: licked) mice for me to skin for them.
Oh the possibilities…
Sometimes you’re scary…
Marylins last blog post..Old Confetti
God you’re evil to your mice! lmao
love it!
Bettinas last blog post..The bastards in charge don’t like fat chicks
think i will pass on the mouse skins..
Tazs last blog post..28 Weeks Old..
AARGH! We’ve got mices in our house too at the moment. Not being as creative as you, we ran with the ‘get as much RATSAK as possible and poison the fuckers GOOD” route.
Not nearly as skilful, but damn satisfying anyway
Can I have one too I gotta show my little hoard what they can expect too.
Suzies last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Excellent idea, but I’m thinking more along the lines of handbags.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..Lunch
Let me know if this works re: getting your cat to kill the mice. We had some a couple of winters ago and my cat would stand sentry over the fridge, stove, etc, whatever the mice were hiding under, and then WATCH them scurry to their next location. Useless.
Jennis last blog post..It Ain’t All Roses, Baby
Have the aliens abduct all your mice!
nikkis last blog post..Confessions and Product Placement
Ha, I love it… “until they fuck off forever”..
Good stuff over here!
Do you know where they are residing in your house? If you can find the hole or whatever you can capture them by placing a trap in front of the hole then once they are out of your walls you can seal the hole off, preventing future stays.
Talinas last blog post..Reflections on past present and future.
whats next for christ’s sake? ant wings tablecloth?
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..A positive negative
OMG. You’re gonna need a bigger schwacker. Maybe even 2 schwackers. You could schwack with both hands. At the same time.
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Time Flies When You’re Having Fun!
Ha! This gave me the laugh I so sorely needed.
Oooooh Xbox ant wings are all lace -like mmm a miniature lace tabelcloth.. Keeewl..
frogpondsrocks last blog post..Let’s talk about sex..
I’m not good with working with small things. Something much bigger would have to piss me off before I’d shwack it and make a duvet…
Loraines last blog post..The Mysterious Brain Cloud Phenomena
What’s up with the cats? Isn’t it innate?
Yeesh! You are like the Australian Ed Gein. He made lampshades and such from human skin. Now, THERE’S an idea for your mice skins.
imaginary binkys last blog post..Suri likes the ladybugs
I voted, by the way. Woo!
imaginary binkys last blog post..Suri likes the ladybugs
1. Get mousetraps.
2. Wait till Amy goes to sleep. Place them out and bait them.
3. Pick them up in the morning before she can get to them.
4. Put the fucking lazy ass cats outside if you’re concerned that their lazy asses might try to eat the mouse bait.
5. Collect dead mice.
6. Skin them.
7. Then do the hide washing.
8. Sew blanket.
9. Repeat.
kats last blog post..Girls in My Circle
Oh my god, you were so far ahead in the votes. What the f*** happened? I went over and voted again…..
Re #5 above, hitting the mouse with a hammer would splatter the newly washed mouse with blood and brains, much better to kill and skin the mouse, then do the washing bit. I thought you were planning a full size blanket, you know kinda like a throw rug for the back of the couch……..
Wow, mice blanket. You are such an environmentalist, recycling and all…
tiffs last blog post..When you live in the boonies…
YAY YAY..
Maddi sat up for the first time by herself..
WOOHOO..
Tazs last blog post..28 Weeks Old..
I can’t get to that voting thing again – screen goes all blue — WTF? If they had Chuckie Cheese’s in Taz you could go there to practice schwacking. And Amy would LOVE you because there ain’t a kid nowhere that don’t love Chuckie Cheese.
Lous last blog post..On the Way to class
Lou–voting closed yesterday…….
Oh your horrible, in a totally funny way of course
Laura McIntyres last blog post..La La La
i have a mouse skin jacket and matching cloves, im the envy of the neighborhood!!