Not having fun

by Veronica on March 17, 2011

in Blogging, Grief, Headfuck

I wrote a post for a PR company the other day, as part of a new website launch and three sentences in, I realised that I was having fun. I couldn’t, for the life of me, manage to be sensible, and so I wrote the post tongue in cheek and deeply satirical and then sent it off into the ether, hoping that the company would ‘get’ it and still want to use the post.

What the hell I thought, if it’s not suitable, I’ll be serious and use the first attempt as a post for Sleepless Nights. Win|win.

A week and some follow up emails later, I was told my post was great and it would be used, which is fantastic, but I’d also hoped to share it here, because that’s how much I enjoyed being silly. The post isn’t live on the site yet, so I can’t link to it, but it made me realise, I haven’t been having fun.

I’m unhappy. Sure, good things are happening and I’m enjoying them – I really enjoyed the ABC International Women’s Day event I attended and I’m really looking forward to getting married and I’ve loved organising the Aus Blog Con … but I’m not happy, in myself.

I had a conversation with Paul Smart during the opening of MONA about the importance of having fun. I agreed with him in theory, but also, while we were racing around the museum and having the best time, I realised how rare my having fun had become. Yes, I enjoyed things, but being silly? Having fun? I’d lost a lot of that. MONA FOMA made me realise how much I missed myself, the bent sense of humour and the darkly funny and the loving life. Doctors appointments leave no room for satire, or jokes.

Life has been feeling like an endless grind of meltdowns and shitty nappies and being urinated on and stuff breaking and things falling apart and appointments and screaming and stress and really, where is my fun?

Nan died almost two years ago and it doesn’t feel like that long, not when I’m missing her so much it hurts. It feels like a heartbeat and yet, at the same time, surely I’ve been living this way forever?

I think grief sucks the fun out of life, really fast. Autism and a falling down house help, but the grief feels like a giant weight that sits, between my shoulders, making everything that bit more difficult.

Nan died and then my hot water cylinder exploded and then my car died on the day of her funeral, at the fucking funeral home and there was a giant falling out with family and thousands of dollars worth of plumbing bills and then a baby who was having trouble feeding and a seizure and Ehlers Danlos and then Aspergers for Amy and then total social withdrawal from Isaac. Not to mention the two dogs killed within a few months and then just everything.

Sometimes life is too much and surviving is all you can think about. It will get better, or it will be fine, become mantras and suddenly, it’s years later and you’ve been surviving, just, for so long, that you can’t remember when you last thought about how crappy it all feels now.

I’ve gotten so used to things going wrong, that I don’t even tell people when things are meant to be happening, because surely, it’s all going to go to shit before then anyway.

I’m going away this weekend, to Sydney, for the Aus Blog Con. I’m going to sleep in a hotel room without anyone screaming at me, and I am going to breathe deep and photograph everything. I am going to laugh, as much as I can, as often as I can.

I am going to be silly and stupid and I am not going to care what people think. I am going to hug the group of women who have held my hand through tough times and I am going to eat with them and laugh and be myself and trust that they’ll like me anyway. I’m sure they will. I am going to meet new people and make new friends.

I’m going to have fun, despite everything else, because fun makes everything easier.

When I come home, I am going to spend four days quietly freaking out, because you guys? I am giving a talk to post-graduate media students at the UTAS on Friday the 25th, on blogging and new media and what I do all day and then I’m going to have coffee with the senior lecturer about something that might end up being a Very Big Deal, or it might not end up happening. I am trusting that telling about it won’t jinx it.

And I am going to have FUN. And you’re going to have fun with me, because there is not enough fun lately.

Marylin March 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm

*hugs* sounds like this is the start of you going in the direction you want now honey, though it’s taking it’s time. Now that you’ve *realised* what’s going on, you know?
I really hope the Very Big Deal works out!

Ash March 17, 2011 at 7:51 pm

I’m so glad you’re going to be having some fun! I’m so super jealous that you’re off to the Blog Con too! You better have extra fun, so that you have some for me. I’m dying to read your tongue in cheek post, so will be watching for the link! You deserve some fun x

Kellie March 17, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Sounds like you’re well and truly ready for some fun! I really hope this is the turning point for you and that from here on in things improve. I know it’s been a long, long road, but when I’m at my absolute lowest, something pretty incredible is waiting for me around the corner. Maybe that’s your “Very Big Deal”. Can’t wait to see where the road takes you!
Have a fab time at Aus Blog Con. So very envious of you all. Can’t wait to hear how it all goes. 🙂

Lauren March 17, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Having fun sounds like a great idea 🙂 You deserve this weekend and a break. I’m excited for you to be meeting the people you’ve met on the ‘blogosphere’, in real life ! ENJOY! xo

Deb March 17, 2011 at 8:04 pm

I recently got my little girl into daycare a couple of days a week and it is amazing the difference. Suddenly I can talk to my husband. Suddenly I can sit down and not have something I absolutely need to do. He’s the one who sent me off to AusBlogCon early to make sure I actually took a break and had some fun.

I’ll be looking out for you, and hoping really hard for your UTAS deal.

Marita March 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm

I’m not spontaneous anymore. I miss doing things on the spur of the moment, just deciding I want to do that and going and doing it.

BendyGirl March 17, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Squee for how much fun you’re gonna have at the conference! And fingers very crossed for the possible big deal. I was getting a bit stressed about the LOITC photo being in our local paper (on page 3 as someone appears to have a sense of fun there too!) but your post has inspired me just to go with it and enjoy the fun! Love BG Xx

sharon March 17, 2011 at 8:58 pm

You most certainly will have fun at the conference. It will be wonderful. And when you get back home, UTAS is going to be the cherry on the cake!


Fiona March 17, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I hope your weekend away is very refreshing and you get the break you deserve.

I dread my grandmother dying. Just reading your post had me in tears at the thought of her inevitable passing. It is strangely reassuring, despite hearing your struggle, to know that life does go on.

I’m glad you had fun writing your post though 🙂

Trish March 17, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I think we all could use some more fun in our lives , especially you.
Bring on the ABC and the BIG DEAL for you.

sleepydwarf March 17, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I hope you have a great time at the conference. It sounds like it will be fun and it will be great to meet all those people who have been your online support network during such hard times.

I can’t wait to read your post either – and am crossing fingers and toes that the Very Big Deal all works out 🙂 Sending you lots of positive thoughts. xxx

ExMi March 17, 2011 at 9:29 pm

i hear you on the one-thing-after-another-fucking thing….it’s good to have a break from reality every once in a while, and i really hope you enjoy the ABC, and you completely rock the pants off having some fun! x

PlanningQueen March 17, 2011 at 9:51 pm

I so hope it all works out for you V. Fingers crossed for you. After talking and emailing so much over the last few months, I am very much looking forward to meeting you!

Tina ~ tina gray dot me March 17, 2011 at 10:05 pm

You certainly do deserve to have fun! Fingers crossed for your Very Big Deal. So excited to be meeting you 🙂 x

Dorothy March 17, 2011 at 10:28 pm

That the main reason I finally decided to go to the conference. It actually sounded like fun! Connecting up with you and others on these blogs and on Twitter made me realise that I would actually, probably have fun with you all. Because fun is so hard to come by on any given day. Or even a smile…

I hope your Very Big Deal works out!

Tassiegal March 17, 2011 at 10:49 pm

You deserve some you time, and some time to rediscover you and who you are. May Sydney rock your socks off, and my UTAS be amazing (I know you will be at any rate!)

Ali March 17, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Have a wonderful time at Aus Blog Con. Fingers crossed for you love.

Anne Keyes March 18, 2011 at 12:07 am

Have a great weekend- you sure deserve to have FUN!!!! <>

Marie March 18, 2011 at 12:15 am

Fun sounds really good, actually. Wish I could get there to join in the Fun. 🙂 But YOU enjoy! You deserve it!

Barbara March 18, 2011 at 12:19 am

Have really fun time, I can’t see how you wouldn’t with all those fab ladies there.

Good luck for the Very Big Deal. I’ve got things crossed for you. xxx

Fiona March 18, 2011 at 8:45 am

Enjoy the conference. Be silly, look out the window, smile. Enjoy.

Tanya March 18, 2011 at 11:17 am

YAY! Have fun my beautiful friend, and then when you get home freak out, but then go get ’em! Talking at the Uni!!! Very big deal! Woop woop!


As I said before….Photos please!

Cherie March 18, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Enjoy every second of it all Luvvie ?

Peta-Jo March 18, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I am so glad I read this … why is it when Big Things are transpiring, that you get bogged down in the everyday dilemmas that make up motherhood?

Wish I was going to AusBlogCon to meet you and have a giggle with you!

lceel March 19, 2011 at 2:30 am

I believe what you’ve gone through is called a “Rough Patch” – something of a bit more duration than a “Speed Bump” but not quite as bad as “Everything gone to hell in a Handbasket”.

Although sometimes is IS hard to tell the difference.

As a blogger I have met many, many people in the last three and a half years. Most of them have been women. And of those women, and some of them have been truly AMAZING women, you are head and shoulders above the crowd.

You have shown me that you Aussies are made of stern stuff, and I am very proud to have known you for the time I have.

Eva March 20, 2011 at 1:35 am

I hope you are having lots and lots of fun at the moment!!

If it’s any consolation, I think your dark sense of humour and love of life still shine through in your posts. That’s one reason why I love reading your blog.

Arienette March 21, 2011 at 3:54 am

Come live next door to me. I have a feeling both of us would feel more sane and less unfun if we did that. My neighhbour in my new building is moving out in two weeks and we’ve got a big garden, maybe enough space for a couple of chooks. Go onnnn, you know you want to.

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