On managing social anxiety and learning to be myself

by Veronica on March 1, 2012

in Blogging, My body is broken.

I have terrible social anxiety. Or, I used to. I’m not sure anymore.

Two years ago, I couldn’t talk to strangers. I’d avoid eye contact, smile politely, mouth the right words to the cashier and walk away, never having connected with anyone. I was in a bad place and not only couldn’t I talk to anyone – when I did finally talk to people, I would be crippled by the fear of what they thought of me. Did I talk too much, laugh too loud, speak too strongly? Was I enough? Was I too much?

It was tough, so I just stopped and basically became a very polite recluse.

Shortly after,  I became part of the team organising the Aussie Bloggers Conference. Conference day came around and yes, I wanted to vomit, but I had no choice. I HAD to talk to people. This was my job and part of my job was making sure as many people as possible felt as welcome as possible.

I went into that trip determined to have fun and I did. I talked to everyone I saw, asked them questions, listened to their answers and was not told I was an idiot by anyone.

Throughout that day, I realised that people are incredibly forgiving and that the people who aren’t forgiving have their own issues.

It wasn’t an epiphany that changed my life overnight, but it was the beginning of the building blocks I needed to get over myself.

Over the last twelve months, I’ve attended a few conferences, a couple of blogging events and a music festival. I’ve forced myself to make eye contact with strangers, to start conversations and to smile at everyone. 95% of the people I have met have been amazing.

You know what? It gets easier with practise. Nowadays, I can almost forget that I have social anxiety when I start up a conversation with new people. At MONA FOMA, while I was waiting for The Dresden Dolls to perform, I talked to people. We laughed and chatted and danced and enjoyed the music. I didn’t know them, and yet, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and had amazing fun anyway. I did the same thing the next night for the Supergroup and had just as much fun.

People are clique-y. Yes.

People are also, generally, quite nice and willing to talk to someone who strikes up conversation with them.

[If they’re not nice, they’ve either got crippling social anxiety themselves, or they’re an arsehole. Be kind either way, both things are hard to live with.]

I realised this week, as I sat down next to a couple of the school mums and struck up a conversation all by myself, that people don’t scare me so much anymore and it’s really nice.

In fact, it is damn freeing to realise that I can just talk to people.

People are interesting and people have stories and I want to hear what their stories are, without having to hide behind a computer screen to get there.

Kathy March 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

That is awesome, V. An amazing realisation and such big steps for you.

Zelda March 1, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Can I just say I LOVE that photo of you???

Megan March 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm

From reading your post I realized that I too have social aniexty, I always thought it was just because my mother is so not. But I am going to a big event the third week of March and am determined to practice talking to people. So yay for you for overcoming your social aniexty! I hope to overcome mine soon.

Kristen @ {Me vs Myself} March 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It’s like you’re in my head, I could have written that very same post! I am only just starting to put myself ‘out there’ in real life, and I haven’t organised any conferences, or attended any concerts but I am forcing myself to just talk to people and it’s incredibly liberating!

I am so glad you are having fun, and I agree that is a great photo!

Kristen xo

Sophia Grace March 1, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I had it, too!! *high five*
We can conquer anything. Yes we can.

Trish March 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I really loved your story and your pic…sounds like u have overcome your fears…I love chatting to ppl and hearing their stories too…I have always been a very very shy person but ppl say they couldn’t pick that as I’m a chatter, but I chat ( maybe too much) to cover that up…anyway I’m rambling….lol…have a nice day…

Erica J March 1, 2012 at 7:46 pm

You’re gorgeous!
I think in line at Grinderman, we were politely avoiding eye contact with each other, but quite amicably, haha. It’s taken me a very long time to realise that people don’t just tolerate me – they actually LIKE me! I’m really happy for you that you’ve begun to make such awesome progress with it, instead of faltering along with it for as long as I did. xx

kelley @ magnetoboldtoo March 1, 2012 at 9:21 pm

wanna hear something ironic?

in the supermarket if I am looking for an item I will go round and round in circles looking for it. Never wanting to ask anyone where the particular item is.

If I have Boo with me he will immediately find someone in uniform, say excuse me and ask if they have said item and where it is.

I am bested by my kid with Autism.

Bazinga.

river March 1, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I thought I was learning to talk to people by being at the checkout for hours at a time, you pretty much HAVE to say at least hello. But I’ve noticed that once away from that checkout, I’m still silent me, not knowing what to say to people and not really wanting to anyway. it sounds sad, but I’m not unhappy with this, I realise that I prefer to be alone, that’s all. I just don’t feel the need to get out and be social all that much.

Lucy March 1, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Veronica, having met you a few times, and a having shared space with you, I would never have guessed the extent of your anxieties, had I not been previously aware.

I guess “fake it till you make it” is a good methodology to adapt?

I am so glad you are enjoying feeling more comfortable.

Xx

Marylin March 1, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I am BEAMING while reading this, sweety! Go you! xx

Happy Elf Mom March 2, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Eep. I couldn’t talk to people like that. Is there anything you CANNOT do? 🙂

Veronica March 3, 2012 at 10:00 am

I cannot pee standing up. At least, I’m pretty sure I can’t.

louisa March 3, 2012 at 11:09 am

Beautiful post V. Just beautiful x

Trish March 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I would never have noticed V . So glad you are overcoming challenges and feel empowered about it . I feel a little the same at times social anxiety and the talking too much, too loud etc.
PS – I can pee standing up we have frogs in our toilet !

Watershedd March 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Well done, V. Despite knowing you have been uncomfortable around people you don’t know well, I’ve always been impressed with your social interactions, both on the blog and in person. You push a strong message – one of social acceptance and responsibility, of non-judgement and standing up for what’s right. It’s hard to do that if you’re constantly afraid of the criticism. At some point, you make a choice have a strong sense of self-worth or allow others to direct your sense of self. The former is much more self-satisfying, better for your mental health and will ultimately make you someone others will admire all the more. High five to you!

Lindie March 5, 2012 at 11:32 am

I failed in junior grades regarding giving oral reports, I was so shy. I think I outgrew it or just got tired of it. Now that I am full grown I can stand in front of a room of people and actually talk. Also I don’t care if they like what I have to say. I love reading your words and think you are still braver than me since I don’t have a blog! Bravo!

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