A little while ago I went through the process of night weaning Evelyn, teaching her how to fall asleep with a bottle and without me. It was going well – swimmingly in fact, until Evelyn realised I am at my weakest at 4am.
Beating her little fists on the side of the cot, she refused to lay back down and sleep at 4am, demanding a breastfeed and spitting angrily if I tried to give her a bottle.
We added back in a 4am breastfeed, at which point I would usually bring Eve back to bed with me, because it was easy.
But, she’s like most toddlers. You give an inch, they take a mile. And then they take the mile and run even further with it, until no one has any miles left and they’re all tangled up and unable to walk because of the mile wrapped around their legs.
Needless to say, it’s not working anymore.
Last night Eve woke up at midnight, and screaming, demanded to be taken to my bed for a breastfeed. I refused. She screamed, fussed, wailed, complained, slept, screamed, repeat. At 2am I breastfed her and put her back in her cot. At 3am she was screaming again.
I gave up and brought her back in to bed with me.
The thing is though, it isn’t working for me anymore. She’s not interested in breastfeeding during the day at all anymore, and I am too tired to keep nursing overnight.
I think this means we’re weaning entirely.
I’m ready for it. I’m ready to wear proper bras that fit me decently, I’m ready.
Mostly I’m ready to have some sort of hormonal cycle back. And I know, I’ll be bitching about it before the month is out, but you see, I’ve got PCOS and I can FEEL that it’s flared up. I should have had a period back 6-8 months ago. If I concentrate, I can feel my stupid ovaries doing stupid things in my stupid reproductive system.
Fertility is a tricky thing, and I’m glad to not be having to think about it anymore. For those wondering, my husband had a vasectomy when Eve was four months old and it has been the best decision we made.
I’m glad to be done with babies. I’m glad to almost be done with breastfeeding.
I want my body back to myself. Is that too much to ask?
It’s not too much to ask at all – you’ve done so bloody well breastfeeding her for so long!
I saw Max’s tooth when he was born and that was all it took to put me off. (sorry but… no way!)
Hope there aren’t too many more sleepless nights in your future. x
you funny.
Of course that isn’t too much to ask. I have PCOS too and it SUCKS! xo
Of course not, by golly you’ve earned it!
I got fixed when Rue was still little, dh would have gotten the snip but they were doing the Essure procedure for free at Tweed Heads at the time, so I went for it. Not sure why it was free, a friend told me about it. You don’t even get knocked out for this procedure, just a local anaesthetic and then they put little coils into your fallopian tubes and then the tubes scar up, so it’s irreversible. I got to see the inside of my fallopian tubes on the monitor as I lay there on the table, which was pretty fascinating.
I was in my early 30s at the time and it was a big decision, but knowing myself as I do I knew I would not be able to cope with more than two kids and I knew if I got pregnant again I would go ahead and have the baby. And it was SUCH a relief not to have to worry any more about fertility and pills and all that stuff – sex without worry! It was a very good decision.
I also recall, when Ruth was about 18 months, a friend of mine asking me if I wanted to hold her baby and saying “No, thanks” and really, really meaning it. I was just over it all at that point. I now enjoy the whole baby and cuddling thing again as much as the next person, and I very much enjoy handing them back. Having little babies was the best time in my life – and I am glad it’s over 🙂
I recommend a hot stones or salt scrub massage and a night out with some girlfriends. Again, you’ve earned it!
I remember wanting to get my breast back after BF my son too. I have PCOS, and it delayed me staring my period for about 4 months after I stopped breast feeding. I have never wanted to have a period as bad as I did back them.
BTW haven’t been by in eons since I close POP. Best decision I ever made, and I got to concentrate on my mom…I lost her in Sept. Again congrats on the baby…and all things little and precious.
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. How are you going?
Peace and strength. x
Thank you. I miss her like crazy, and my heart feels like I’m missing a big piece of it. We were close, and talked at least 3-4 times a week, my phone doesn’t ring nearly as much; so it’s a constant reminder that she’s really gone.
I started a new business, and I’m volunteering a lot at women’s shelters–it helps to keep my mind off of her.
Hang in there. I won’t tell you it gets better, because it doesn’t. But grief does get less raw, although the missing doesn’t stop.
xx
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