I confessed that I was not okay during the week of RUOK day. The irony there was that despite the lovely comments, not one person actually asked if I was okay on the day. It seems from my circle of friends, I was not the only one having a minor breakdown that week.
Despite the mental unloading that I did on the blog, I am still not okay. Mental wellness doesn’t seem to be a tap that I can turn on at will, which is a shame. I’m sure we’d all be lining up to fill our buckets if that was the case.
It feels like I’ve been fighting for a long time. Fighting to have professionals believe that I was sick, fighting for a diagnosis, fighting to be treated as a human being instead of a teen pregnancy statistic, fighting (again) for a diagnosis, for help when we were having issues with secondary infertility, to having someone take me seriously and finally, when I was diagnosed, fighting to be believed again. Full circle. Fuck me.
On top of that, there was cancer, death, autism, behavioural issues, and on and on and on. It’s like herding cats, every time I get a handle on one, seven disappear on me.
[Digression: When I was 41 weeks pregnant with Amy, aged 17, I developed a chest infection and couldn’t breathe. Living in the city, having quit my job months before, I didn’t have a regular GP that I could visit easily, as he was an hour drive away. Nathan was working nights and by the time I realised how sick I was, he was asleep.
I rang the pregnancy assessment centre for advice – something I had been told over and over to do, for any issues. I was a high risk pregnancy as it was and so, I expected advice, if nothing else. The midwife who answered the phone was short with me, got all of my details including the overdue nature of my pregnancy and asked me to hold please.
Unfortunately, she didn’t press mute on the phone and I could hear her bitching about me to her colleagues. “She’s 17, says she can’t breathe properly, she’s 41 weeks pregnant, of course she can’t breathe properly. She’s been down here on and off for the last couple of weeks, attention seeking. God. She says she can’t even make it to her regular GP. I don’t know what I’m expected to do about her issues.” She then picked up the phone again and I was crying by this point, unwell and very pregnant and also very sick. “Are you there? I’m sorry, there isn’t anything I can do for you.” I replied “Maybe not, but next time have the decency to press mute on the phone before you complain about me.” She swore and hung up on me.
You say that young mothers aren’t treated any differently? I beg to differ.]
Anyway: Issues with medical professionals, I have them.
I was coping. I was doing well, I was smiling and working and laughing and then I woke up one morning, and I wasn’t coping anymore. I sobbed for hours, had a minor breakdown and hid myself in a book for the rest of the day.
I am decidedly not okay and I’ve learned that it is okay, to be not okay. That said, I am sick to death of bouncing from one extreme to another, from abject depression, to panic attacks, to manic behaviour and wanting to frantically FIX everything, because surely things would be easier if the inside of my house wasn’t purple.
The roller coaster ride has turned my stomach and I would like to get off now.
I rang the psychology clinic today and asked for an appointment. Despite being quite busy (their words), I now am the proud possessor of an appointment on Tuesday afternoon and since receiving the phone call back, I have been fighting off waves of panic.
Despite what every single medical professional I have seen has put me through, I am holding on to the fact that this person will help me. That I won’t be discarded as too hard, or too broken, or too complicated, and sent home to cope on my own again.
I am sick of coping on my own. I would, for once, like someone else to help with this. To come up with a plan and insist that it will work and tweak it if it doesn’t. Not delete the plan altogether and leave me without any safety net.
Surely that is not too much to ask?
Comments
34 responses to “The hardest posts to write are probably the ones I need to write the most”
This sounds so much like me, right down to the issues with medical professionals associated with being a teen parent. I have so many trust issues with the medical profession. Kudos on taking steps towards more mental wellness, I admire that. It is NOT too much to ask and I hope that you get a fantastic person who can help you feel better within yourself
xxx
I saw a psychologist this year. It was scarier in my head, once I got in the office it was really helpful. She gave me tools to help myself through things (mainly generalised anxiety) that I shouldn’t have to put up with. Now I have this little checklist in my head to help me talk myself down from irrational, negative thinking.
Glad you wrote this post, and I hope it helped to lighten your load. It’s fine to tell the world you’re not OK. It’s the first step to becoming OK. Good luck with your appointment.
Sweetie – I wish I could help. All I can do is say, I am gonna be in Hobart next month and WE WILL HAVE COFFEE, even if I have to beg/borrow/steal a ride to come to you.
I will steal Veronica and deliver her to you
YAH! Am thinking of taking over the back of Pigeon hole on Saturday for a couple of hours…..please kidnap her and bring her to visit me!!!
Consider it done. Give me the date and I will put it in the Calendar. It that is okay with you of course Veronica 🙂
Looking at the weekend of the 14/15/16th October at the moment. Just got to get the editing done…which is put in for Monday. Then print it @ my cuzs Friday night, drop off for binding Saturday, pick up on the 11th fly down 13th in evening.
Well, I have to be in Salamanca on the 15th as it is? Either/either, I can fit in with you 🙂
I remember taking you down to the Pregnancy assessment centre that very night and being FURIOUS with the nurse. I also remember that you had a chest infection and I had to bully the doctor into giving you antibiotics. You were treated very shabbily my darljng girl and I am sorry that 5 year later it still stings. You should have let me growl at her on the day instead of shushing me in the cubicle. though from the look she gave me I know she heard me talking about her lack of professionalism lol I am not very quiet am I? I LOVE you hunny bunny
Oh hunny. So well written. I’m so sorry you had to go through that while pregnant. That’s horrible. I hope you complained!
I’m glad your on the way to getting answers.xx
Hi Veronica,
I totally understand your words, especially the not wanting to be on your own with these things and I hope you get the support you need in a real way – not just hollow words. Please remember the power of your own words, “It’s ok to not be ok”. You have been through much and should be proud of yourself for standing and fighting to get through it all. I’m thrilled you have an appointment so soon too. I really hope the person you see can help.
Much love,
Cat.
Hi Veronica
sorry to read you are not coping. I hope that you find the help you need soon and get back on the path to mental wellness. You have a lot to deal with and I commend you on keeping up with it all. You’re pretty amazing.
I am also not ok – well in one aspect of life – and so I am going to the counselor again, tomorrow. I went just before Blogopolis, and now I feel I need to go again, as things have changed so much.
It is ok not to be ok. And even better to admit and and seek help.
Best wishes.
🙁 I’m sorry things are not okay. I hope the psych can help.
Thinking of you and wishing things were better.
Hi Veronica,
I really hope you get the help you so desperately want and need. Someone who will understand and help you to get the answers and the path. It is really hard.
Congratulations on making the phone call, that is a big step. Having been in counselling for most of my life I have found that I never leave without making the next appointment. This is one of the major factors I believe that has helped me so much even through the really shit times. Keeps me in check or close to it. Make that follow up appointment.
will be thinking of you. gemma
I see a psych. AAnd rish does his psych thing to me. But I need to learn how to transfer it out of those times.
soon
maybe.
good luck hun
Oh sweetheart, of course its not too much to ask. I am sorry you are having such a rough time but I am so pleased you have asked for help. I will be crossing fingers that the person you see next week really takes the time to listen and can help you get those plans in place. xx
I will help you – always. You tell me what you want and I will make it happen.
Veronica wrote this line Stephen,
“I’m discontent with my house, with my lack of garden, with a paddock full of nothing, that screams its nothingness at me every time I see it”
I would like to create the bones of a garden for Veronica, with raised beds for easy weeding. Wide paths between the beds for a wheelbarrow for now and a wheelchair later on. With a fence to keep out the chooks and a small greenhouse/ shadecloth area to start off her seedlings and to grow frost tender plants like tomatoes and cucumbers. It doesn’t have to be big, just well designed. That is what I would like to do.
What do you think?
Finding the right counsellor or psychologist can make such a difference – not all counsellors are created equally and it sounds like you’ve had a rough time trying to find someone with whom you click. Fingers crossed for Tuesday.
Ah, I am sorry that things are just so hard right now. No one, no matter what their age, deserves to be treated the way that you were treated. Not only is it unprofessional, it is just plain wrong . . . we are all human beings who deserve love, caring and respect.
As silly as this may sound, I am proud of you for making that call. If you feel like this person isn’t helping you, make that call again until you find that person that is not only willing and able to help but truly cares about your well being . . . you will find that person.
Take care my dear.
I’m sorry to hear about the rough time you have had. I had PND after my first and second child, depression is such an insidious illness, the best thing I did was talk to a psychologist. It is good to get out of your own head and talk to someone who is independent of your life.
Happiness comes from within. I know this better than most, and I cycle this phrase through my head during the day like Muslim praying the Salat under their breath or a Christian holding the rosaries, reinforcing their faith through repetition. Yet even through this act of faithful tradition, I still feel the happiness sapping it’s straight away from me. I love this world and all the beauty that it contains but as time lingers on I see the vibrancy of colour fade away to a dull saturation, the musings of emotion nothing more than background noise.
I feel helpless.
As I grower I realise it’s not just something I can shake off. No matter what material objects I buy, I don’t feel happier. I feel no loss aversion by not having something, nor so I even apply any emotional connection to what I have anymore. I remember being a child and teenager, even the smaller gift would be a shining beacon in my memory, a day of true happiness. Now, I pretend that receiving the most thoughtful of gifts is giving me happiness. I am perfectly fine with receiving nothing but a simple “I will be here for you” from people who love me is better than any material object I can ever own.
And yet, I seek to find comfort in my circle of friends, loves, family and the random. And like any true relationship, these sparks may be bright and powerful in the beginning but soon wear out to nothing but a flickering flame grasping it’s last breath.
I feel that this depression, while it’s something I’ve created, it’s something I’m trying to control, and something I’m trying to kill slowly. Many say that depression is not a disease, but it is. It is the mind trying to slowly kill you, like cancerous slowly killing the good cells, this disease is slowing killing the part of me that feels happiness. I feel powerless to defeat it, even though I try day in, day out, day in, day out…
The saviour in my mind is my memories. The times I’ve spent having fun and creating happiness, through my childhood to my later teens before being inflicting with my own degeneration. How I long for the days where the sense of euphoria was as simple as being outside in the sun.
Dear Veronica,
You have lived the life of a woman more than twice your age ….. Because you have had a significant number of major life crises that no-one as young chronologically should ever deal with.
Somewhere & somehow there MUST be someONE, along with your mental resources, & loving partner & family…….who can LET you actually speak & be heard about the times of awfulness & more you’ve been dealt.
I too commend you for making that call & getting the appointment.
Now, to be able to TELL your story…. Because you are your story…to someone who will LISTEN & help…. That is my hope for you, dear V………. Much courage is sent your way… D
Veronica,
I know I don’t comment nearly as often as I read your posts, but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts, and I hope you find someone that can help you through this.
Many hugs, and happy thoughts being sent in your direction.
Fingers crossed you find someone that listens to you. It’s a bad season for not being okay, and I hope the fog lifts for you. I can’t imagine how hard it has been with everything you have had thrown at you, but you’re still here, and that shows that you have a lot of strength, right? But, sometimes, it’s okay not to be strong and let someone else carry the load for awhile too, okay?
Take care xx
It seems ridiculous people who are at their most vulnerable need to fight the hardest to get the help they so desperately need. Unfortunately Veronica, it seems you’re going to have to keep fighting until you find the person who can provide the strength you deserve, so you can rest and get better. Luckily, you have a wonderful mum and lots of support around you to help. Keep going cause your worth it. Much love and support Bianca x
If I can ever help from Far, Far Away, just say the word. Although I know that the things that make you not OK can’t be solved with a few words or good intentions from online peeps, no matter how real and deeply felt.
I really hope your appointment gives you some sense of being supported and maybe some way forward. (And I’m still hoping we might be able to catch up at some point when you’re in Melb for pbevent in a couple weeks).
I think of you often, Veronica. I know it doesn’t amount to much, but I do.
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through (and went through as a young Mum – that is just shocking). Well done on making that call. Good luck on Tuesday!
Print this post out, and as soon as you walk into the psych’s office make them read it before you talk to them. Because before any specifics of strategies or plans, isn’t the most important thing they need to know that you are really taking a leap of faith here by trusting them and exactly what you are asking of them?
This post says it beautifully, it’s the perfect way to start what will hopefully be a good phase.
I’m so sorry that you haven’t been able to get the help you need from the ‘professionals’ you’ve seen so far. It’s hard to keep trying when you’re dismissed as a hypochondriac or a fussy mother.
But KEEP TRYING.
Sooner or later, you’ll have to find someone who can help you, surely?
And seeing a psych is a GOOD THING. Hard, but then the good things usually are.
xx
If you were mid-30s or mid-40s there’s no way that phone call would have happened like that. It’s appalling that a younger mother has barriers to accessing services based significantly on attitudes to age.
You are dealing with exceptionally challenging circumstances; I’m so sorry you have to (on top of everything else) struggle just to get a hearing because of your age, or the fact that EDS is “invisible”. I can only imagine how ultimately frustrating that must be. Hope Tues goes really well. There are some fantastic services out there that could be so beneficial in so many ways – can be hard to find, but they are out there. Will be thinking of you on Tues!
I would be a mess if it weren’t for my meds…
*hugs* and love xxxx
So proud of you for taking this big step.
So many folks refuse to take ownership of their mental wellness, and by making an appointment, you are saying, “this life is mine!”
Sorry to hear that, hope you will turn out okay after visiting the psychologist…