Time passes and suddenly we are here again

by Veronica on June 21, 2012

in Cancer, Grief, Headfuck, Pregnant. Finally.

I haven’t felt like writing the last few days, which is unusual for me.

Amy has been back at school after the holidays and Isaac has responded to the routine change by becoming increasingly rigid with his wants and needs, whining lots, screaming lots and being generally very high maintenance. Not to mention the middle of the night wakings, where he insists that it’s morning and he needs to watch cartoons on the couch.

Last night he was screaming at 3am because I wouldn’t do what he wanted. That was fun.

I’ve been faffing around on twitter, and throwing in a little bit of facebook here and there, but aside from having my ire raised by Mamamia, all I’ve felt like doing is curling up in bed with a book, or crappy TV.

A lingering virus I thought. Exhaustion maybe. Pregnancy, probably.

And then I realised that the last time I was this pregnant, my grandmother was dying. I was spending a lot of time in and out of hospital appointments with her, radiology and oncology and waiting rooms. Coffee and cake while we learned to read CT scan reports and afternoons spent at her house while we discussed the probability of her death.

On Sunday, she will have been dead for three years. I will be 30 weeks pregnant with a baby she will never meet. My daughter barely remembers her and my son does not remember her at all. I am left with my memories and the remembered feel of her very soft, very dead hands.

Parenthood and grief are remarkably similar when it comes to time passing. The days are long; the years are short and at this stage, I am left looking back over the last three years and wondering where the time went.

We lost the first year in a haze of shock and pain, grief and angry abusive family. We sold her house, portioned up her possessions and struggled through. Some bridges will never be mended, some words never forgotten. That is what I remember of the first year.

Where does the time go?

I thought I was doing okay, but apparently I am not and it’s okay to say that.

Grief is grief is grief and missing someone does not go away, which is both fortunate and unfortunate.

It’s hard to miss someone this much, Internet. So very hard.

 

 

Watershedd June 21, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Cyber hug. O.

Zelda June 21, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Oh honey….. BIG HUGS. For once I can understand where you are coming from totally. Its 3 years since Dad passed away and it still doesn’t feel “right”. Memories are strange ephemeral things, that hit you at odd times. If you want to talk send me an email ok?

Mindy June 21, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I take my kids to the cemetery and show them where Dad is. I choose to think he can see and love them too.

Pixie June 21, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Much love xxxxxxxxx

Anne June 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I’m so sorry…Sending cyber <>

Anne June 21, 2012 at 8:38 pm

cyber hugs, I meant to say

Melissa @ brightsideup June 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

At least you can think back on your memories, and share those with your children. Take comfort in knowing you had her in your life as long as you did.

louisa June 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Sending so much love…and understanding x

edenland June 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Oh, Veronica. I am so sorry, and I understand how hard all of those milestones are. Grief cannot be tamed, no matter how much we try. By the sounds of it, your grandmother was an exceptional woman. Three years is not a long time at all.

Hope you can manage to go gently on yourself. You and your mum both.

XXXXX eden

Jayne June 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Omotop-thingie, hugs and understanding.
Hard to realise it’s been 3 years, so quick but such a huge chunk of time xxx

Tanya - Living Right Now June 22, 2012 at 12:18 am

Big Hugs xxx

Grief never leaves but writing and sharing helps.

Marylin June 22, 2012 at 2:16 am

Three years already? Damn.
Lots of love, sweetheart xxx

Anna Spargo-Ryan June 22, 2012 at 9:23 am

Grief IS grief. I’m sorry for your pain Veronica.

river June 22, 2012 at 11:03 pm

((hugs))
Virtual hugs aren’t nearly as good as the real thing, but it’s all I can do from here.

Fiona June 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

More hugs my lovely.

I’ll give you a real one tomorrow.

xx

Trish June 24, 2012 at 8:30 am

Thinking of you today and Kim. Xo
There will always be grief but hopefully happy memories transcend and sweet memories warm your heart too.

Dannie (A Dose of Dannie) June 24, 2012 at 9:45 am

Big Hugs V to you <3 xxx
I still miss my nan and always will she passed away when i was 10 (she was 73) She never got to see me marry have kids or see her own great gran kids 🙁 I go visit her at the cemetery every few months and just cry. Remember the happy times . I have a photo of my nan in my bedroom which was taken 10 days before she died. Last week she would have been 102 🙂

Belinda June 25, 2012 at 7:37 am

I hear you loud and clear with every word you spoke of, hugs to you Veronica and much love to your family.

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