To My Dear Searchers

I feel it is my best interest to address some issues that my dear searchers end up here with.

I also feel it is my public duty to share what they googled with you.

Please, be assured, there is no ‘mr lady porn‘ here. I am sure that Mr Lady would be amused to hear that you were looking for her though.

Same goes for ‘talina porn‘ and ‘Laura McIntyre porn‘. Talina? Laura? Did you know people were googling for you and porn???

And why did they end up here?

[Oh wait, vibrators, jelly baby porn. Right]

Also, to address the burning question of one googler who asks ‘do kangaroos lay eggs?‘. Um NO. They do not lay eggs. They give birth to jelly baby sized joeys, which then reside in their pouch drinking milk and growing for months and months.

This person states ‘you think you’re having a shit day try being an egg‘. I am sorry you are having a shit day. I am sorry you are an egg. How about you shuffle on over to my house and I turn you into a batch of brownies? Or a sponge cake? Then you could live out the rest of your life knowing that you had satisfied a deep need in me. You could be fulfilled.

[Yeah, that would be the need for brownies and cake not the need for death and destruction of eggs]

I have been changing Amy’s nappies day in, day out for 20 months so I feel pretty confident about it. To the person who asked, ‘how to clean toddlers vagina‘, you have me worried.

Now vaginas are pretty self explanatory, especially in toddlers. Wipe from front to back and make sure there is no poop left behind. If you are REALLY worried about things, pop the toddler into a warm bath and let her splash around for a while. Instant clean.

I assume that is what you wanted to know? Little girls are all folds and stuff. Very easy. Now boys? Boys I know nothing about, except for what I learned as a kid, helping Mum change David’s nappy.

Want to hear my wisdom?

DO NOT SIT IN FRONT OF A LITTLE BOY WHILE HE IS HAVING A NAPPY CHANGE. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE IN YOUR ONLY SET OF CLEAN SCHOOL CLOTHES.

Ahem.

‘alien abductions in 2008‘. Yes! We had our very own alien abduction here when the aliens stole my hairbrush to study my DNA. I hope that is what you were looking for. I even talked about probing a little bit.

And DUDE, seriously, someone wants to know about my ‘mouse skins‘. WOO HOO! Even though all my subscribers deserted me when I posted about the mouse skin blanket I was planning, it seems, SOMEONE STILL CARES. I haven’t managed to schwack myself a mouse yet, but when I do, you can be sure I will be evaluating it’s fur for quality purposes.

Now, I get some really really weird ones. Like ‘nurofen mice‘. Were you looking for mice that are high on Nurofen? Or asking whether Nurofen is tested on mice? Maybe you could be a little more specific. (Nurofen is a pain reliever for children and adults. I keep the liquid stuff in the house for Amy).

‘I don’t suck!‘ I could say that your husband would be disappointed in you….but I won’t.

Now this is a strange one ‘didn’t actually have sex, pregnant, negative test‘. Sweetie, if you didn’t have sex and you got a negative pregnancy test, I can be pretty certain that you aren’t pregnant. Maybe bloated or feeling funny, but not pregnant. How about you head to your doctor?

Now, would you give your toddler a ‘laptop for toddler with internet‘? No. Me either.

I also get a freaking bucket load of people looking for ‘vibrator pics‘ ‘girls with vibrators‘ ‘getting off on a vibrator pics‘. I can only imagine what they think when they are SURE they are going to get dirty porn, but instead get my two funny posts about vibrators.

The only conclusion I can draw from this? People are freaking weird man.