What I Wanted, But Didn’t Want To Hear

There is some nervous tension in the house. It is Thursday – D-day for my second blood results.

I ring the doctor.

‘Hello? I had blood drawn last week and I’d like my results please? Yes yes I can hold. Oh okay, he hasn’t signed off on them yet. Yes he can ring me, here is my number. Okay, thankyou’

Click.

We wait. I try and work out what I want the results to say, do I want normal results meaning that conception will happen, it will just take a while? Or do I want low results meaning that I have hormonal issues. I ponder on my indecisiveness.

The phone rings.

‘Hello, is that Veronica?’

‘Yes, speaking’

Finally, a phone call. Wait, what do I want to hear? 

‘I have your results here. It actually shows that everything is normal. Obviously we just did the test at the wrong time last time. The progesterone level is where we would expect it to be.’

Shit shit, did we have sex then? I wonder when exactly I ovulated, obviously just after day 21. Shit! I can’t remember if we actually had sex. Not having sex is bad. God, why didn’t I just make us do it.

‘Oh okay then, what was the number?’

‘It was 24′

I wonder if that is high enough to indicate pregnancy… Who knows. Stupid! We should have had more sex!

‘Ahhh, it was well within normal then’

‘Yes’

Shit.

‘What are we going to do then?’

‘I think we will just wait a bit. I would like you to chart your cycles for a bit, including when you have sex and come see me in a few weeks.’

Sure, just as soon as I get a second opinion from another doctor.

‘Okay, we will do that then. Wait, I didn’t have any signs of ovulation. Normally I can tell y’know, I know my body’

‘Have you had a period yet’

No. Shit, not yet, does that mean anything? I can’t be pregnant. I don’t feel pregnant. Where was my egg white mucus dammit? I am supposed to have egg white mucus to tell me that I should be having sex!

‘Nope not yet. I don’t feel like it is due either.’

‘Oh well, you might want to do a pregnancy test then. No period might be a good sign’

I was trying not to think about pregnancy tests, but y’know, if you recommend I do one…

‘Okay then, I will buy a test and see what it says’

‘Good you do that. I will see you in a few weeks, okay?’

‘Okay’

Shit.

Discussions are had between me and my spouse. He is coerced into taking me into town to buy a test. I promise to let him window shop in the games shop as a reward.

We go out and a pregnancy test is procured. We come home so I can do the test.

I pee in a container. I settle a little foam ring around the pee stick.

Gosh, this is more involved than my normal brand of test. Whatever happened to dip and wait? Now I have to float it in there? Odd.

I dip the stick and watch the colour streak up it. One blue line is visible. I have my pee stick squint perfected, I have practised it often enough.

No second line. I squint and I turn it.

Can I see it? Is it there? Maybe if I turn it like that…sigh. Nothing.

Pregnancy test is negative, as I suspected. I knew we didn’t have enough sex, where was my libido when I needed it?

I went on holiday for Christmas, you can’t really begrudge me right?

No, but I would like you back now if you could manage it.

What to do now? Is going on the pill for a month or two to regulate my cycles a bad idea? To try and recreate the same scenario as when I fell pregnant before.

A second opinion, with a doctor who knows me and listens to me is needed.

I will make an appointment tomorrow. Until then, I remain waiting for my period.