I was rearranging my pantry shelves yesterday, when I found myself struck by an urge to count just how many kilos of sugar I had. After I counted the sugar, I guesstimated the pasta. After that, salt. Then rice.
Sugar: 15kg
Pasta: 25kg
Rice: 14kg
Salt: 5kg (need more)
It wasn’t until I added all of this up, that I realised, maybe I’m hoarding food staples, just a little. On top of my basics, I also have rather a lot of dried beans, peas, barley, chickpeas, soup mix, split peas and tinned tomatoes.
I like to tell myself that I am hoarding in case of emergency, or an accident (maybe a giant national bank explosion, complete with money burning and computers wiped of their precious 1’s), but really, I think it’s because I’m worried about zombies.
But then I started thinking even harder about zombies and realised just how badly protected I would be here. Sure, I’m away from major cities and inhabited areas (plus), but I’m surrounded by farmland, with nothing to stop invading hordes (minus). Yes, they would have to make it through the sheep and cows first (plus) and we could probably pick them off with arrows (plus) but after that we’d be forced to retreat to our roof and I’m not going to vouch for the safety of that.
Even further, I realised just how heavy all that bloody food was, as Isaac, Amy and I filled a plastic container with food (therefore, opening up more room in my pantry, for more hoarded food) and then discovered that I had no hope of moving the bloody thing once it was full. It only had pasta, rice and beans in it, albeit, probably 40kg of stuff.
Sigh.
Food staples are heavy.
I’m thinking, that in the event of a zombie attack, I need to have a plan, all planned out. Somewhere to hide, preferably with running water and 40ft high stone fences AND a moat. Also, crossbows.
And then, I’d need to sort myself out an army.
It was while I was thinking about an army to kill zombies, that I came across the perfect idea.
TRIFFIDS.
What other plant eats decomposing flesh, has the ability to walk and blind things, all while shooting poison?
IT’S PRACTICALLY PERFECT.
Sure, I’d then have to protect myself from the triffids, but a solid electrified fence should work, once you add in the stone walls, right?
So there. I have a plan in case of zombie attack.
I just need to find myself some triffids.
***
PS. I think I’m getting a little fluey, and I’m not sure how much of this is making sense.
PPS. On reading this back through, I’m pretty sure I might have just accidentally written out the plot to Plants VS Zombies without realising it. I don’t know, I’ve never played the game.
PPPS. Who cares if I did, game designers obviously have the right idea. ROCK ON.
Comments
28 responses to “Let’s talk about zombies”
We sit on a massive food stockpile, I am not going to think too carefully about why I feel the need. It’s just there. In case.
Zombies, triffids, we’re fucked. We live like a km from the centre of Adelaide. But it’s Adelaide so that should buy us some time, no?
Beefy takes care of our zombie plan, I pretend I think he’s an idiot. Ssh, don’t tell him.
Just in case is my opinion too. And, it doesn’t hurt, right?
I have a little island all picked out, too far to swim to but you can still see the mainland. Rocks around it, so zombies in boats would have trouble if they didn’t know the route, which I’m supposing they wouldn’t.
There’s room for a few families and I’m prepared to share.
I might come and gatecrash. But I’ll come waving a flag and declaring my promises to not eat your brains. And if I get bitten, you have full permission to shoot me.
I like your plan (especially the moat. I’ve always wanted a moat) and may take some tips. I’m pretty sure Gardening Australia did an episode on propagating Triffids so you may want to look it up. I’m also pretty sure that Peter Cundall didn’t retire, he was just not quick enough to escape the Triffids whilst he was signing off with ‘And that’s your bloomi…….” Personally I have a fondness for the idea of ‘the double tap’, (yes I did watch Zombieland last night), as a way of dealing with Zombies. But I’m a bit of a traditionalist like that.
I really want a moat. One that I can electrify in a crisis (although my ducks won’t like that.)
Are you stocked up on arrows? You might need to check …
And I have just borrowed Day of the Triffids to read for the first time, so I am hoping reading your post hasn’t spoilt it for me :S (I also have the prequel, too)
No, I won’t be ruining it for you with this 🙂
These days the only thing I stockpile is toilet paper. Although I do seem to have an extraordinary number of toothbrushes in the cupboard.
I think I’m pretty safe from zombies. They eat brains and I think mine has left for good.
I stockpile the toilet rolls too. Nothing like that one week when the car is broken and there’s no toilet paper and no way to get to the shop to convince you to always have 10+ rolls in the cupboard! My husband thinks I am mad, I say prepared 🙂
I was soooooooooooooooo excited to win a years worth of toilet paper from Kleenex earlier this year. When it runs out I’m going to have to figure out how to get another years supply, it is best thing ever.
I need to fix my stockpile of toilet paper I think. We never have enough, because between the kids and dogs, the rolls get stolen and shredded.
Wowsers….. that pretty impressive!! But can one ever have enough spaghetti in the store-cupboard, I ask you? 🙂
Nope, you can NEVER have too much spaghetti. Especially when my kids would happily live on pasta if I let them.
Soon as I can afford it I’m investing in a zombie proof house – http://all-that-is-interesting.com/post/4956385434/the-first-zombie-proof-house
Also I think it should have the double bonus of stopping the girls climbing out the windows to see evil boyfriends.
I so want a zombie proof house. Really.
I live in Ireland, and the Romans never made it this far 2000 years ago, so I’m hoping the zombies will run outta steam by the time they reach us too. XXX
I’ll cross my fingers for you, but I won’t hold my breath. Am pretty sure the English would send them your way, just because old habits die hard.
Sorry, you’re fucked. When you cook the rice and beans the zombies will come (see the smoke) – you need loads of canned foods! And I think the only way to stop a zombie is to chop its head off – so sharpen that axe!
How fast are these triffids? I mean do they guzzle flesh Little-Shop-of-Horrors style?
ps: have you read ‘the road’ by cormac mccarthy? so beautiful, I think you’d like it. And kinda zombie-ish.
Ah, crap. I hadn’t thought of that! But then, can zombies smell smoke? Or just the rush of blood through a living human?
Loved The Road and I really enjoyed the film too.
Zack would be able to tell you exactly which PvZ plants to get to ensure no zombies got to you… also, you’d need a fair few lawnmowers to mow them down incase they get past the triffids. 😉
I must get Zack on my team before the apocalypse then!
When I moved in with a (non hoarding) flatmate years ago she was horrified at my stockpiles.
When she asked what I was arming myself for (nucelar warfare?!) I had no bloody idea.
Still do it, though.
‘Just in case’ will suffice.
🙂
massive case of the giggles. I don’t giggle. I think that is a high compliment.
I always wanted to know what the difference between Zombies and Mutant Zombies were. I mean in reality, aren’t Zombies already mutants?
Raising hand – yes, I’m a hoarder too. Pantry stuffed full at all times, tick, – two freezers both full, tick – multiple loo rolls in both bathroom cupboards and linen cupboard, tick. In mitigation I was a Girl Guide in my younger days and that old ‘Be Prepared’ motto dies hard, although it may be genetic as my mother is the same 😉
This is hilarious! I need a food stockpile in case zombies attack Oklahoma! LOl I doubt it, no one wants to live in Okahoma.
[…] I knew I should have planted triffids sooner. Now Isaac is infected and everything is ruined forever. […]