How To…

…cook Cornish Pasties with a Toddler in tow.

Make the pastry. At various intervals remove Toddlers fingers from the flour/butter/milk.

Cover the pastry and place in the fridge. Stop the Toddler trying to wee on the puppy (I couldn’t make this up).

Check your mince defrosting on the sink. Sigh and complain about how you forgot to get it out of the freezer last night.

Stop the Toddler climbing up and removing books and DVD’s from the bookshelves. Stop the Toddler sitting on the puppy. Clean up the puppy wee. Clean up the Toddler wee.

Peel potatoes and place on the bench. Stop the theft of the potatoes by giving Toddler an apple. Sigh when you notice all the potatoes in the Toddlers lap, along with ALL of the apples.

Slice the potatoes finely, dodging Toddler fingers as you go. Curse the setup of the loungeroom that means the couch is up against the bench. Wonder if locking the Toddler in her bedroom is worth the effort.

Finely dice carrots and onions. Pretend that tradtional pasties contain carrots and onions.

Stop the Toddler removing all the carrots from the bowl. Put the (now full) bowl on the bench behind you.

Yell as the toddler removes your knife from the bench. Growl. Lots.

Then find the bandaids and patch the Toddlers thumb up.

Check the mince.

Discover the frozen bits in the middle. Get shitty and stab the mince with a butter knife to break it up. End up using your fingers.

Yell as Toddler tries to eat raw mince. Growl when she won’t get off the bench (she was trying to sit on it).

Sigh as Toddler has a full blown tantrum on the floor.

Mix salt and pepper into the meat and set aside.

Wash hands and cuddle Toddler until she is happier.

Remove the pastry from the fridge and roll it out using a wine bottle. Curse your lack of strength as the pastry refuses to yield. Use all your weight on the bottle.

Stop the Toddler from poking holes in the (now rolled) pastry. Give her a glass jar and some pastry of her own to roll.

Resume rolling pastry and cutting into circles.

Freak out as the Toddler sticks pastry in her nose and ears. Clean Toddlers ears and nose and try to distract her with her blocks.

Fail.

Slowly put together the pasties and crimp the edges. Stop Toddler eating the onion skins.

Place pasties into a moderate oven and baste regularly with milk.

Cook the rest of the mince and serve with tortillas. Discourage Toddler from putting the tortillas on her vagina before eating them.

Finish eating and feeding Toddler.

Baste pasties.

Lots.

Wonder what that smell is. Toddler comes up and says ‘Yuck! Bum!’

Notice Toddlers feet. Chase down Toddler and clean poo off her feet.

Clean the carpet.

Clean more of the Toddler.

Swear that you are buying a potty tomorrow.

Wash hands and baste pasties more.

Once pasties are golden brown remove from oven and discourage Toddler from trying to eat them while still hot.

Serve with tomato sauce.