We all want to be normal. Completely average and exactly the same as everyone else. No one wants to be called the weird kid, or the one who is odd at inappropriate times. We all want to be brilliant, but completely unrecognisable.
I struggle with this, because when I’m writing fiction, the inside of my head feels more real than reality. Children needing food and drinks, attention and cuddles, snap me out of my world and I’m left with one foot on either side of my realities, wondering which one I’m actually meant to be in. Then I wander around distractedly, too firmly implanted in this reality to write, but too far into that reality to think clearly.
It feels a little like a waking dream, as I hold conversations inside my head, with potential characters and flesh out worlds and plots.
Having small children means that I don’t write as much as I want to, because no one copes very well when I’m stuck in the alternate reality in my head.
I admire Amanda Palmer, with her ninja gigs and amazing clothing. I admire her brilliance and her music and her VERVE, in going out into the world, dressed however-the-fuck she wants to dress. She is brilliant because she DOESN’T want to be like everyone else. I admire that she does what she loves in the biggest, loudest way possible.
I don’t want to be like everyone else, but I find myself getting squashed into the box that society prescribes for us. The small square box of normality , where creativity is correctly partitioned off and exercised at only the right moments.
I want to be brilliant and different and amazing and I need to realise that being brilliant and different and amazing, means that I need to stop being so fucking scared of being different.
Don’t be controversial, you’ll make yourself untouchable.
Be sure to stop swearing, so that you appeal to brands.
Don’t speak out about anxiety and depression, because then you’ll be forever labelled.
Write what everyone wants to hear, so that everyone likes you.
I mean, CHRIST. The list of things we should and shouldn’t do (the unwritten list, that we all hold close to our chests and read from every night, so that we remember how we’re meant to behave) gets longer every day and I’m drowning underneath it.
When I start feeling a little insane, I write things. I also wander into walls and forget to cook dinner and feed everyone pasta with butter three nights in a row, but I’m busy having ideas and the sparks inside my head are flying. I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty about fucking pasta and go with the insanity.
A little bit of insanity is a good thing – I’m not seeking out a psych because of the insanity. I’m seeking out a psych because of the anxiety.
The anxiety that stops me doing what I want to do. That makes me question wearing rainbow tights in public, or glitter eyeshadow, or a dress just because I want to.
I want to break the mould and embrace the different.
After all, we’ve proved over and over again that difference is enviable, and coveted. We just don’t want to be the ones considered different.
Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
Just yesterday, when I was at the doctors, it was recommended I come back in for a mental health assessment. THIS WEEK.
Yeah, probably a good idea…
Hugs. And I honestly think embracing the different is a great thing. Essential, even.
It does get easier when the children get a bit bigger. Trust me on this one Princess. Then they can cook themselves pasta with butter every night. Start with something small, like odd socks to begin with, or even odd shoes. A swishy skirt works because you can swish it at people.. You have the figure to wear anything and look fabulous my darling. xox
Totally spot on. I knew a few people who became very famous singers and actors and they were not the popular, pretty, normal ones at school. They were the different ones.
It took me a long time to realise that putting on the facade of what others think is normal was crushing me bit by bit. The first step is the hardest, okay the first few, but you can do it. The world keeps spinning, those who truly matter still love you, and finally you can breathe. Different is a beautiful, wonderful thing.
What? Now everyone wants to be insane? How am I going to be different then??
Seriously though, Veronica, I have to admit that I constantly vacillate between wanting to be “normal” and wanting to be different, to stand out.
I am terrified of standing out. I know that it’s the only way I can ever come out and be ME. I just don’t have the guts.
Perhaps the stuff I write about makes me stand out. Perhaps the fact that I find it so hard to get along with people, to make friends, to have friends makes me stand out. Unfortunately, that last is not very pleasant. I don’t like being lonely.
No idea how to help you. Perhaps – the earlier you start, the easier it gets?
I hear your confusion (and the unhappiness it’s causing) and hope that you can soon meld the real with the unreal and find the real you. Like Kim said, it’s easier when the kids are a bit bigger and can do more for themselves. But in the meantime, switch the butter with grated cheese and you have a whole different meal! And go ahead with wearing the rainbow tights if they make you feel happy. Who cares what people think? They’re probably admiring you being brave enough to wear what you want.
I keep forgetting I have pink hair and wonder why people give me odd looks at the shops
Helps to be able to forget stuff like that.
I just loath the confrontation that comes from not doing the normal, expected thing. The having to explain over and over and justify your choices and decisions. End up either conforming or doing what I want and avoiding the people who question me.
I so understand how hard it is to write creatively when there’s an alternative reality in your head!!!!
You’re absolutely right – that list of ‘rules’ about blog writing really peeves me too (“don’t be controversial..”). It’s hard being different (for all the reasons you said) but I admire you for breaking the mould and wanting to be different. I’m trying to be brave and get to that destination myself!
To thine own self be true.
xxx
I know I don’t “know” you in real life but I still really wonder if your reaction to all the things going on isn’t just plain old how you should react. I know you have big boodles of stuff going on and still yet more I prolly don’t know about. I would say that I hope it calms down for you but 1. I know it won’t so it’s silly to say and 2. some of it is really good stuff, like your wedding coming up…
Be yourself! F*ck anyone who wants to be someone else!
This:
“The small square box of normality , where creativity is correctly partitioned off and exercised at only the right moments.”
god it is hard.
Hope your tuesday appointment went well and you felt heard and that you connected with the ‘person’.
I’ve been thinking of you and your bendy body and how you walk into walls too. xxx
Comments on this entry are closed.