A mish mash of things, also, Happy Birthday to my brother.

by Veronica on June 30, 2011

in Blogging, Cancer, Gotta Laugh, Grief

It’s dark and cold when Isaac comes stumbling into my room, bleary eyed. He’s too asleep to say anything yet, so I throw back the doona and welcome him into the warmest part of the bed. Sighing contentedly, he snuggles in and I watch his eyes close, praying that we’ll both get more sleep.

Two minutes later, he is poking me in the eyes.

“Hi Mummy.”

“Hiiiiiiiiii Mummy!”

“HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII MUMMY!”

I struggle to get my eyes open long enough to look at him, before tucking the blankets in tighter around him and asking him to please, fortheloveofeverything, sleep.

It’s not long after this that Amy joins us and jumps into bed as well. Her morning breath threatens to knock me dead and I make her roll away from me and breathe somewhere else, on pain of being kicked out of bed. The room is icy, despite the underfloor heating and I suspect the world is frozen.

Eventually, the sun rises and I am forced to be awake. No one says anything about getting up, however, so I stay in bed with a book for a little longer, while everything defrosts. The children come and go, alternately snuggling me, or tucking their cold feet under my legs.

Good morning.

***

So, I’ve had this problem. I’ve been caring too much about what you think and not enough about what I want. Not changing themes, not redesigning, writing on a schedule, not posting because I only posted yesterday, or this morning. And honestly, I think doing it for someone else is doing it wrong.

Somewhere in there, I stopped telling stories and started just talking about stuff and maybe there isn’t a difference, but caring so much is killing me.

I’ve been more caught up in branding and social media and working the system, that I lost the bit I loved, which was sharing stories and snippets. I’m not saying there are changes afoot, but there are changes afoot. Sort of. I’m going to write what I like, when I like, regardless of when I posted last.

And if I start to worry about cluttering up people’s readers and writing too much, or not writing enough, well then. We’ll all just deal with that then.

***

When I was 5 years and 7 months old, my baby brother was born. I remember my father picking me up from school one day, so that we could go and see Mum and David in the hospital. Some details are fuzzy, but I remember being absolutely positive that I needed to wear my white shoes to the hospital and spending long enough trying to find them that that my father was frustrated with me.

In the mess under my bed, I eventually found my shoes and squeezed into them, before discovering that they were too small anyway. I didn’t care, I was five and I wanted to wear white shoes to the hospital to see my mother.

That was 17 years ago now.

Today my brother turns 17 and he’s had a rough time the last two years. We buried our grandmother on this day two years ago and so it’s bittersweet. Life and death, all tied up together. The timing could have been better, but birth waits for no one and neither do funeral directors.

I would really appreciate if you could send him birthday wishes here, if you’d like.

Happy Birthday David! I do love you, even if you’re annoying sometimes.

Marita June 30, 2011 at 11:42 am

Happy Birthday to Veronica’s Baby Brother 🙂 From the snippets I’ve read about you here and on Kims blog you sound like a really amazing bloke.

Apple Island Wife June 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

Happy Birthday V’s brother! Wish I was seventeen again.

Jenny June 30, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Yep – love those icy cold feet on my warm legs *** personally I like the random snippets and stories of life blogs, but really you need to do what is right for you, or the blog voice sounds false *** Happy Birthday Veronica’s brother, hope you have a lovely day.

Super Sarah June 30, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Happy Birthday David! I hope your day today is as good as my birthday yesterday was! And V…. you could never update too much! Keep writing from the heart, thats why we love you!

Megan June 30, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Happy Birthday David!

BendyGirl June 30, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Happy Birthday David. And Von, I think we all lose our way from time to time blogging, but you’re right – it should be about what we think/feel/want to say
Thinking of you BG Xx

Alex June 30, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Happy Birthday!

I think a lot of us have gotten sucked into the bloggy business side of blogging and forgotten that no one really gives a damn, one way or the other.
Do what you enjoy, life’s too short!

river June 30, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Happy Birthday David! I loved being 17.

Veronica, write whatever and whenever you want, I’ll be right here reading.

Marylin June 30, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Happy Birthday David!! *hugs*

V, you know I’m always here, whenever you feel the urge to write. xxx

rachael June 30, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Clog up my reader all you want. It’s why I read here, the stories. Happy Birthday, David. I’m sorry it is so bittersweet.

Ali June 30, 2011 at 11:26 pm

It’s hard, when virtual strangers are reading your innermost, to remember that it’s not about them. Your blog is a slice of who you are (or various slices) and everyone wants people to like them, to relate to them, to enjoy what’s written. I think we all worry about what everyone else thinks of us when we blog. In restarting my blog I thought about this issue a lot, honestly I still think about it a bit when I write. Like you, I have realised (again) that it’s for me. It’s wonderful when people can relate but in the end, what’s most lovely about blogging is that it belongs only to you. Also, honestly, people who are all about the business of blogging and none of the real stuff make my gorge rise. I guess I just can’t relate to that? I’d rather 5 posts that are about a morning with your kids than 1 that doesn’t sit right with you.

Happy birthday David!

Ali June 30, 2011 at 11:32 pm

And T

Ali June 30, 2011 at 11:35 pm

And THAT is why I hate commenting on my phone. Sorry. I’m sure you can decipher it.

Jenn July 1, 2011 at 12:13 am

Happy Birthday little brother David!

I agree Veronica, write what you want, post when you want and don’t worry about anyone else but yourself. According to many none bloggers, blogging is all about being selfish and narcissistic, so give in to the stereotype and just get back to enjoying this space.

Tamsyn July 1, 2011 at 7:38 am

Happy Birthday David 🙂

And good on you Veronica, do what you love xx

Denyse July 1, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Happy 17th Birthday to your brother…and of course, his birthday co-incides with the sad sad times of two years ago. Do understand your grief…and here is an awesome space to let it out. Your blog readers, well me that’s for sure, get it.
Havent’ we all been guilty of “am I writing what people want” or “should I change this?”
I have recently had to confess to changing too much and going too far blog wise, and back track to my more comfortable and meaningful zone. And not to please all, but me first, and readers too.
Love your introspection…but suggest some photos today of some of your beaut scenes would be an awesome way to remember and love family and friends…Both here and departed this life… Much love and respect for the way in which you do what you do. D

Barbara July 2, 2011 at 4:42 am

Happy Birthday David. I’ve heard a little about you through this and your mum’s blog and you sound like a pretty amazing guy. Sorry you’ve been having a rough time. I hope your next year is a much better one.

Veronica – I’m most definitely in the “post what you want, when you want” camp. I’ll be here, reading avidly.

Achelois July 2, 2011 at 7:38 am

Happy Birthday David

Veronica, dear girl, stop worrying please stop worrying about the whole blog thing. Write exactly what you want, when you want, whenever you want. Clutter up my reader every single day, I shall be here reading and caring and hoping you are ok if you don’t blog. But if you don’t feel like it just don’t. I will sneakily email your mum just to check you are ok.

xoxoxooxox

Louisa July 2, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Happy Birthday (belatedly) David!

For what it’s worth, your blog always reads like you’ve just written about the stuff you care about & I love it!! xx

frogpondsrock July 3, 2011 at 9:06 am

How did I miss this post? I have been a tad self absorbed. xox

Bush Babe July 3, 2011 at 10:05 am

Well I am now subscribed after sporadic visits… and what a post to come back to. Like you, I am VERY much aware of keeping my focus on writing and posting what I love. I too enjoy seeing those comments roll in at my place, but in the end, people really only repsond to something genuine. (And the people writing it do too.) It’s my therapy really, blogging. Reminds me what’s important and beautiful in my world.
🙂
BB
PS Happy Birthday Veronicas big brother! 😉 (You are only 18 aren’t you V?)

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