It’s glaring; the blank page I sit in front of. Many nights I just can’t face it and so I click away, without writing anything. I think about plenty of things that I would like to share with you, but when it comes time to put words onto the screen, my articulate nature fails me and nothing feels right.
Things beep in the background, the dryer is running and I watch TV as I comment on your blogs. My attention feels constantly half diverted. Listening for a waking toddler, listening for the silence that heralds naughtiness of all kinds.
My brain races at 100 thoughts a second, I try and pull a singular thought out to share with you, but it slides away eel like; out of my grasp. There is so much to share and yet, I draw a blank.
The baby wiggles and I can feel her/him a little more every day. A little more regular, a little stronger. I am looking forward to the day when I can feel movement enough to share with Amy, but for the moment I am content to keep it all as mine. Selfish. The movements keep me sane through random bleeds and days of emotional instability.
I must admit, I can’t be the easiest person to live with at the moment.
You see, the news we got back about Nan wasn’t good. As well as the primary tumour, there are cancerous lymph nodes and what looks to be secondary tumours in both lungs.
Inoperable.
Treatment will be given and taken accordingly, but it has left me struck dumb.
And so, I sit in front of the blank screen, unsure of what to write about. Sure life goes on and more so life with a toddler, but trying to avoid thinking about something always leaves me thinking and wondering.
Amy however, has none of these issues and continues to drive me insane. She climbs the walls, LITERALLY. How the fuck am I meant to keep anything in order when she can CLIMB? UP MY WALLS!
Actually, how the fuck am I meant to keep anything in order full stop.
So.
Tell me a story. Make me laugh. Direct me to a post of yours that needs comment love. Distract me my lovely internets. If you really can’t think of anything, tell me who your favourite blogger is at the moment [so I can stalk them too].
big hugs..
umm.. when bjorn was a kid his parents friends went to the commonwealth games in brisbane.. i know it was a while ago.. anyways they got him the koala mascot Willy.. anyhow.. his parents have decided to keep it..
when we are there house last night i was sitting on the rug with Maddi and picked the koala.. and then said to Maddi.. “play with daddy’s willy”.. whoops.. lol.. i got a smirk and giggle from bjorn and parents.. hehe..
hmm.. favourite blogger is tought straw between you ya mum and marilyn and lotus too.. well there the ones i read more time permitting.. 🙂
thinking of you..
Tazs last blog post..Weekly Winners – 5
hugs.
head over to my place……. you can back track and read all about me meeting my coven sisters.
Or more to the point about WS trying to pack everyone in my life into her suitcase to take home with her.
more hugs.
I’m so sorry that the diagnosis is so rotten.
Bettinas last blog post..Why
Oh, darl, I feel you. And your mum too. I haven’t been home hardly enough to catch up on my reads or even posting, but I wanted to drop by and send my love.
A good, upbeat and fascinating read is my dear Nan of
http://thingsivefoundinpockets.blogspot.com/
I hope you will puffy pink heart her too.
witchypoos last blog post..Drinker With a Running Problem
*HUG* *HUG* *HUG* *HUG* *HUG* *HUG* *HUG* *HUG*
Tired of all this HUGGING yet?
lceels last blog post..honey do this
My oldest son was just like your Amy is. He was a handful. I just basically gated off everything and everywhere I didn’t want him to go. I introduced him to being sent to his room. I had a screen door on it that locked from the outside. The worst he was going to do was mess his room.
I am so sorry about your Nan’s news. I know you wanted us to direct you to something humourous, and I will. Just know that there is lots of cyber hugs coming your way.
Now go here …. she has way more kids than we do …. http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/
Jenn FLs last blog post..An Open Letter to Realtors
great big {{{hugs}}}
I’m so sorry about your nan.
When Wynnie was around 2, she’d cry and squeal all night long. I’d get frustrated and try to ignore her, because I needed to “train” her to play quietly in her room. We had taken off her big crib rail and had put on a smaller one to make her crib like a daybed. She was able to come and go from bed any time she wanted, but was NOT allowed to come out of her room. One night she’d cried and cried. I’d ignored her, thinking she just HAD to learn to entertain herself. About 6:30am, she was crying again, so I walked into her room to find that she had shimmied under her rocking glider and was wedged up inside the gliding mechanism and was STUCK and had been there all night. Crying for me. Did I run to help her? No I ran for the camera to get some really funny photos before I pulled her out. I was almost positive I’d have to disassemble the chair to get her out, but finally was able to pull her to freedom.
Wynnie was the mellow kid. I can’t wait to see what Mack has up his sleeve to keep me on my toes.
Happy wall climbing to Amy!
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Lack of Posts is NOT a Sign that I Have Nothing to Say
Hey, Veronica, sorry to hear about your Nan.
Thought you’d get a kick out of this post:
http://oscarelli.blogspot.com/2008/07/reason-112-why-pregnancy-is-gross.html
And I also like my recent Karaoke post: http://oscarelli.blogspot.com/2008/08/karaoke-santa-cruz-style.html
My favorite blogger of the moment is Black Hockey Jesus over at his blog: http://windinyourvagina.blogspot.com
Jennis last blog post..Karaoke – Santa Cruz Style
V~ your life IS in order… as the order that is meant for you. and your Nan. I am so very sorry that there is little to do so that you can keep her longer.
One of my ALL TIME fav blogs to read is YOURS…..
I am here for you whenever – whatever (I completely mean this!) you need….
Hugs.
To be helpless is the worst feeling of all.
That post was so honestly written.
I have a couple of new fave bloggers:
http://okayfinedammit.wordpress.com/
is my newest.
Gads…I’m sending hugs from Chicago.
I can’t think of a super funny story right now – but I’m sure I’ll come up with some soon.
However, I have a LOT of sites that you might like.
If you’re not reading Julia – you’ll LOVE her. julia.typepad.com/
Or how about Julie? http://www.alittlepregnant.com
Want something inspiring for sewing? Try http://www.sewmamasew.com/blog2/
OR angrychicken.typepad.com/angry_chicken/ – she’s got great ideas – and her book is AWESOME!!!
I hope this helps 🙂
Tonis last blog post..What to do without a sewing machine
So sorry about your Nan, sweet one. I did post a bunch of new commenter blogs, so if you want to go lose yourself…you know the addy. XXOO She’s always in my thoughts.
Rees last blog post..August? Huh?
Hold on to the good stuff and let the bad go by. Talk to all of your loved ones as often as you can and tell them you love them. There’s still time to share with your Nan. You will manage to deal with this you know, and it may not seem like it at the time but you will come out the other side. Sadder for sure, but stronger.
My most favourite funny blogs have already been listed but several of those have their own blog lists which are always worth a look. Just go blog-hopping when Amy is quiet, and play with her when she’s too lively to leave to amuse herself. By the way, I used to do the same as Jenn FL with my younger son as he too was a mobile disaster looking for somewhere to happen. Usually very messily 🙂
More cyber hugs,
A story for you:
Today we had lunch, in a restaurant, with a friend and her 2 kids. Her baby slept, her 3 year old girl sat peacefully. My goddaughter ate and chatted. C, who is normally GREAT in restaurants, was a complete nightmare. He jumped up and down, shook the table, threw salt packets, got down on the floor, picked up old pieces of crusty food, brought it up to show me and said, “eeeeew! Digutsing!” And then went back for more. He punched me in the face. He tried to sit on my head. When the old lady behind us told him he was cute he said, “You stupid.” I was horrified. I apologized to her and we left. (Now that I’m writing this, though, I can see that he was right. He wasn’t being very cute. And it was kind of stupid to call him cute when he was being HELL TODDLER.) I couldn’t wait to get home and just turn on the TV for a while.
The End.
So sorry ’bout your Nan.
I love Looky Daddy
http://www.lookydaddy.com/weblog/faq.html
Kats last blog post..Real Friends
Babe. Don’t read my latest post. K?
Just know that, fuck it, I KNOW how you are feeling.
Kelleys last blog post..I was going to write a post…
Oh no………will Nan be around to see the new baby?
As for Amy climbing the walls, you need to remove the ladders. Who keeps ladders inside anyway?? Heh-heh.
My favourite blog is Kath. Kockett’s at
http://www.blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com
She’s the very first blogger I ever found and read, through her links I found many others and eventually came to you, then on to Kelley, Lotus and others.
Bugger!! typo! that should read Kath. Lockett.
(((HUGS))) Sorry about your Nan.
Jentys last blog post..Weekly Winners 2 Aug
Well now everyone lets have some positive vibes from you all,I still feel Ok, I am still working full time, not sure for how long as I don’t know how radiation treatment will affect me,I haven’t started any treatment yet and will find out about that on Thursday when I see the Radiation Oncologist, I definitely plan to be around to welcome Vonnie’s new babe in fact I will be around for a few years yet, I will be putting my hand up for any trials that might come my way too, who knows what miracles those research people can come up with. I know this is so hard for my friends and family to deal with,but by god they are doing me proud, I couldn’t ask for a better support team.
Now for my funny story (well Kim and I thought it funny)when Kim and I flew to Melbourne for my PET scan we arrived at the hospital and I filled in the appropriate forms, then the young girl in reception said “you have to have 2 glasses of water in the corner” I thought I had misheard so asked her to repeat, she said the same thing, well I got the giggles and replied”Oh am I being sent to the naughty corner” she looked at me with a straight face and told me that the water cooler was over there in the corner and I was to drink 2 glasses, so I did I stood in the corner and drank 2 glasses of water in between giggles from Kim and myself.That lass really needs to get a sense of humour, thank god we still have ours.
I could leave a blog link for you, but seeing as you write it, it doesn’t really matter.
Please take care.
You know what? Pregnant women are supposed to be selfish. They’re supposed to turn inward. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing the most selfless thing of all, you know?
And your words still comfort the rest of us, even if they aren’t comforting you right now.
As for blogs, I second the mention of Black Hockey Jesus. He is just SLAYING me right now.
http://windinyourvagina.blogspot.com
Take care of yourself.
maggie, dammits last blog post..Happy 11th Anniversary, Darlin’
Well, what about when Zack said that daddy needed boobies. I asked why, he says “so he can play with them”.
Or this morning, when he randomly said ‘Mummy? Soap or cabbage?” my reply… eh?!
Then there’s how Max actually had a bath last night and didn’t scream the whole way through!! He actually kinda enjoyed it… eventually… for like the last 3 minutes…
You are my favourite blogger, and I’m not just saying that!
((huge hugs hunny)) I know how hard this is for you just now, we’re ALL here for you! xxxx
Marylins last blog post..Where I pour out my heart.
I’m so sorry! My mother has been going through cancer treatment off and on for a couple of years now. I have a 3 year old and almost 2 year old twins so I can honestly say that toddlers do help you get through the day! There’s no other option than to keep up with them.
I was going to suggest Up the Hill Backwards as a good read (currently one of my new favorites) – but I just realized that I found your blog through her comments!
Here are a couple of others:
Julie (http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com/) and Stacey(http://www.anymommyoutthere.com/) have been making me think lately – and Kacy (http://kasm.blogspot.com/) and Winona (http://daddylikey.blogspot.com/) always make me laugh.
HI NAN!!!
HI HI HI HI!! *waves* Ya know, it’s the ornery ones like you that live the longest. :] Naughty corner LOL!
See, now, there’s always hope. I’d never even heard of a PET scan before. Good grief they’re always up with something. I figure I’m going to fight as long as possible because I’ll have eternity in Heaven after I’m dead anyway.
BET you get a lot of theological questions when you go through medical stuff. I know I did when I went through stuff. (And, I’m fine now. They thought I had horrible cancer and they had to remove my left ovary. Obviously I am fine using just the right with six kids…)
Anyway, I was an atheist at the time so I was already being observant, you know? I didn’t need to go to church with them to solidify my faith. :] (That kinda blows them away, when you say things like that they don’t know what box to put you in.)
I also bet you are hilarious in real life. Probably with a monstrously strong Aussie accent like your son-in-law. Is it stronger than the Wiggles’? Do you say Crikey a lot? I say “crap” a lot even though I shouldn’t. But they don’t show Americans saying “crap” on TV there do they?
Mrs. Cs last blog post..Reasons Why Dad’s a Democrat.
I just realized that you probably read that as me using my ovary WITH my six kids and um, that’s just not the case at all.
I get all flustered and write the wrong thing.
I meant… um… that I was able to conceive the six kids using only my right ovary…
Not… that I was using my ovary with children.
(embarrassed now.)
Mrs. Cs last blog post..Reasons Why Dad’s a Democrat.
*hugs*
And if you would really like a laugh, I’d be willing to send you a bottle of Anti-Monkey Butt Powder all the way across the world in case of pregnancy chafing. : ) Just give me the word.
Alices last blog post..Ta Da! (Free stuff!)
The only thing I can think of to say in this time (because there are already so many words of wisdom) is that I really appreciate people who can blog every day, which you usually do. It takes a persistant and motivated person to keep their readers happy and this is what keeps people coming back. It doesn’t have to be fantastic, sometimes it just needs to be there. People relate to things you say, and in turn you are helping more people than you know.
Hugs V.
Wonderful to hear there is movement with the widdle one.
Thinking of your Nan. She said she’ll be there to see your baby and she will.
Widdle Shamrocks last blog post..Ma Widdle Squishy is Three
(((hugs))) I’m sorry to hear the news about your Nan 🙁
Jaynes last blog post..Trivial History August 4
To Nan, I’m so glad you’re staying positive and are prepared to try new treatments that become available. My dad refused trials saying he wasn’t anybody’s guinea pig, he wanted a proper cure. Couldn’t get through to him that a cure wasn’t available, all they could do was try things. He wouldn’t have it. My mum on the other hand had several operations and chemo sessions and had 6 years that she wouldn’t have had without them.
Well hi back to you Mrs C, I totally got what you meant about conceiving on one ovary, no need to be embarrassed and no I never say crikey, I do say bloody oath …too much my 86 yr old mum tells me.
Thank you River right now 6 years sounds great and thank you. everyone for all your positive thoughts and prayers I welcome them all
Hi Mum *waves*
mmmm a funny story eh..there was the time that(age 2ish) you fell off Prince (mum’s horse) and when we asked you if it hurt, you replied that it only hurt when you hit the ground.
frogpondsrocks last blog post..weekly winners…
You can come over to my blog and help me figure out why my bra smells like sausage. And why my hubby has told me Its an excellent question which he will go into with me in more detail later.
Suzies last blog post..Late night Debauchery and Sausages
I was wondering if Hobart and West Hobart are two different towns. The reason I was wondering was because I came across a blog of a fellow Tasmanian and they are from West Hobart. I wondered if they were actually a neighbor of yours. Small world? Since your looking for a bit of a distraction maybe this would be interesting for you. http://meowpablog.blogspot.com/
Kellys last blog post..Salon Day
i’m so sorry things are hard. i really wish i could swoop down and bring you chocolate and a dvd series of “Friends”, my favorite show.
However, i can’t do that. i did just start reading a blog i really like. Forgive me if you already read her, and also forgive me because i don’t know how to link in comments, but here it is:
http://mommyboo.blogspot.com/
LOVE this woman. Not as much as you, of course:) i wish you hope and comfort right now. And your family. And i wish some sedatives on Amy. 🙂
Well, my blog is safe reading. Pretty much All Silly All the Time.
Hugs to you and yours.
Kathi Ds last blog post..Swing vote
I’m so sorry about your Nan.
You can stop by my place and hang out. My blog misses you.
Isn’t life just a shitty load of bloated scrote?
Thinking of you, and your Nan.
anjas last blog post..Dedicated to the one I love.
*hugs*
Really, there are no words that can make it all better, so I’ll stick to hugs.
*hugs*
I’m sorry to hear about your nan – cancer is a horrible thing. I wish I had more comforting words xox
Cats last blog post..Time for Change
Oh love, I’m so sorry and I’m sending positive thoughts to you all. Go and see http://angelfeet365.wordpress.com/ – she’s lovely, lovely, lovely. Not sure how to make her blog address into a link, sorry.
Barbaras last blog post..221/366 – Hangin’ on The Telephone
Oh look, it did it for me – how efficient of your comment page.
Barbaras last blog post..221/366 – Hangin’ on The Telephone
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