Sleepless Nights

Author: Veronica

  • Missing

    A year ago we sat around an outdoor table, surrounded by family. Easter had coincided with Nan’s birthday and we were barbecuing and celebrating, knowing in the back of our minds that it was likely to be the last birthday and Easter Nan celebrated.

    We were of course hopeful that that wouldn’t be the case, but we were wrong.

    A year ago we laughed and played and Isaac napped, a small baby still, asleep in his bouncer.

    Slowly everyone left and I stayed, curled up in Nan’s armchair, reading her cookbooks and discussing everything under the sun with her as we pointed out likely recipes. Amy ran around, eating chocolate, while we waited for Isaac to wake up.

    Nan was in the middle of chemo and horribly sick.

    It was hard to watch, knowing that we couldn’t change it, or fix it.

    However, it was warm and comfortable, talking.

    Of course, we discussed her cancer – we always did.

    We didn’t know that almost 10 weeks later Nan would be laying dying in a hospital room while we stood in a ring around her, giving her permission to leave.

    Of all the things I miss, the common sense advice, the phone calls, the visits, just because, I miss curling up in the chairs at Nans and just talking more than anything else.

    I miss her.

    So much.

    April has always been Nan’s month, her birthday and Easter intertwined always.

    Today would have been her 65th birthday.

    Happy Birthday Nan.

    I miss you more and more each day it seems.

  • In love

    I bought myself a 100mm Macro lens and oh, I am in love.

    So I’m sharing that love, right here.

    Spiky

    Baby Squash

    Pretty in pink.

    Miscellaneous Voices
    Miscellaneous Voices: Australian Blog Writing #1 can be purchased at Miscpress, from Editor/Publisher Karen Andrews.

    Grasshopper

    Moth

    Moth

    Praying Mantis

    Grasshopper

  • It’s all a bit surreal.

    My period was due over a month ago – and it didn’t arrive.

    I vomited, I swung wildly between happy and angry and my sense of smell, well, wow. I felt pregnant.

    And then subtly, I didn’t anymore.

    Pregnancy tests, that I’d waited to take, said negative, backed up by a blood test from the doctor, which was mostly inconclusive, but still negative.

    I got an almost, barely there positive test in the beginning. We couldn’t tell properly if there was a second line, it was so faint, and I figured that another test in a few days would show a proper result. Only it didn’t.

    My doctors opinion, most likely a blighted ovum and something went wrong, early on, leaving me with barely any HCG by the time I had blood drawn. Let’s just wait until you bleed naturally. Or in another few weeks, we can put you on the pill and try and stimulate a period that way.

    He didn’t want to investigate further and actually, I’m glad he didn’t. I knew I was pregnant, just like I know that something didn’t go right and I am not having a baby.

    I continued to vomit, while still not being pregnant.

    So I put myself on the pill, tablets I had left from the 6 weeks of bleeding prior to conceiving Isaac.

    Monday night (while still on the pill) I started to bleed.

    So it’s finishing and even as I’m cramping and in pain, I am glad to be getting it over and done with.

    In my mind, I am losing a pregnancy, not a baby. Something went wrong when cell A tried to join to cell B and they didn’t equal a baby.

    And that’s okay, it truly is.

    And I’m okay. There were tears when I got the blood results and I’m missing my grandmother more and more,

    but I am okay.

    I’m phillisophical about the whole thing.

    Except the cramping. That just kind of sucks.

    ***

    I truly am okay, so please don’t feel sad for me. If you want, you can share your stories of loss here and we’ll all hold hands and smile wryly at each other. Plus, the lovely people at The Online Circle, sent me some Cadbury Fairtrade chocolate to try and that arrived today, which was lovely.

    Mmmmm, tastes guilt-free.

    (Actually, it tastes delicious. The ingredients are slightly different to the other block of Cadbury chocolate I had in the cupboard and the Fairtrade seems to be more … pure? somehow? Delicious anyway.)

    ***

    In other news, I bought myself a Canon 100mm Macro lens for my camera and I am in love.

    LOVE.

    Love.

    Praying Mantis

  • My Bathroom Really Needs a Lock

    I was half way through my shower today, when I spotted my razor on the wall.

    Hmmmm. I thought. I haven’t done any maintenance in a while. Maybe I ought to look into that.

    Sure, my razor was a little blunt and I probably ought to buy a new head for it, but what the hell I figured, I’ll work carefully.

    Just as I started, the bathroom door flew open and in crawled Isaac at the speed of light.

    ‘Hey-yo!’

    Hmmmph. ‘Hello kid.’

    ‘Here-ya!’ He demanded, passing me a face washer from the floor.

    ‘Thankyou.’

    Nathan followed him in shortly, smirking, and I glared at the both of them until they left.

    Back to what I was doing, I was contorted in an awkward position when Amy raced in. I quickly changed to shaving my legs and she didn’t notice.

    ‘Hi kid. What do you want?’

    ‘I needa use the potty.’

    ‘Oh. Okay. Quickly then.’

    She left and I went back to what I was doing.

    Now, the upside of being bendy is that I can see bits of myself that you probably can’t, meaning that shaving is more sight-work and less guess-work.

    The downside of being bendy is that my skin is so fragile, I have to be incredibly careful not to tear great chunks of skin out. Which, incidentally, I have done before, leaving a 4 inch long and inch wide gash down my shin. My shower looked like a scene from Psycho that day.

    So, I’m contorted into an awkward position, again, half upside down and moving carefully. I wasn’t really prepared to see a mouse run under the washing machine. Luckily I didn’t start jumping up and down trying to schwack it while I was still contorted.

    Heh.

    As a side note, we bought new shampoo and conditioner yesterday. Apparently it has a ‘cooling’ action or something, anyway, I didn’t pick it out.

    You can see where this is going.

    No matter how careful I am, the fragility of my skin means I cut myself numerous times shaving anyway.

    And we’ll add that to some distractions.

    And ‘cooling action’ conditioner, still in my hair while I was shaving.

    Yes.

    Maybe it would have been pleasant for a hard core masochist. Me, not so much.

    Laugh all you want, it will be your turn next time.

    So for this Easter, I wish you undistracted showers, sharp razors and conditioner that doesn’t make your girly bits feel like you dunked them in mouthwash.

    A basket full of eggs and a pleasant weekend would also be nice for everyone.

  • Sleepless Nights has a new sponsor – Ferrero Rocher

    Last week I was approached by the exectives at Ferrero Rocher chocolate and they asked if I’d be interested in a sponsorship deal.

    Of course I am I said! Do I look insane?

    In return for a specified amount of Ferrero Rocher chocolates and decent amount of money PER POST, I agreed to let all my readers know about the new sponsorship, and to mention Ferrero Rocher in every post of mine from here on in.

    Yes, I know they’re a US company and I KNOW that they are in no way gluten free, but I’m prepared to overlook those facts, in light of the free chocolate and money thing.

    So that’s that.

    Watch the sidebar, the new ads should show up sometime after lunch time today.

    And uh, chocolate on!