Sleepless Nights

Author: Veronica

  • Articulation

    I am an articulate person. You could almost say that I was wordy or that I talk too much.

    Lately though, I find myself having a very hard time articulating how I am feeling. I spend alot of time just wishing Nathan would think to ask how I was doing, but then when he does ask, I say ‘I’m okay’ and leave it at that.

    Seriously how is he meant to know that digging deeper might turn up other stuff? I am always fine and good and okay for everyone because that is the POLITE thing to be.

    In reality I am not fine all the time. Sometimes I am not okay. I don’t cope all the time; I’m not sleeping well and I keep having bad dreams.

    Not okay at all.

    But, the flip side is that I don’t think I am not not okay. I think I am doing alright, on a day to day basis. I am refusing to think about anything that might happen after the PET scan results are back (still no word on the dates).

    I just, don’t want to think about it right now. And doubtless when I have to think about it, I will spend all my time being matter of fact and simply dealing with the results.

    That’s how I cope.

    [We will pointedly ignore the fact that I spend a week coping and then a day where I fall to pieces badly. I figure as long as I can keep this up and time my falling to pieces to times when I have leisure to deal with it, then I will be okay]

    It’s hard though. It’s hard not to think of afterwards and the fallout. Hard not to plan Christmas when we don’t know how things will be.

    I have written and unwritten this post in various forms in the last fortnight. I think that outwardly I am coping so well, I don’t want my family to know that at times, I am finding this shit hard.

    I don’t want hugs and sympathy from them. I don’t want to have to think about it, or be held, or have to deal with people wondering how I am coping.

    I will cope until I can’t. Then I will cry until I can.

    And then I will cope again.

    That’s how it works.

    But don’t doubt me, this shit is hard.

  • Stereotyping

    I mentioned to Xbox that it had been freezing here lately and that there would likely be a frost in the morning. He seemed surprised and said that you don’t tend to think of Australia and cold in the same sentence.

    Now, what I want to know, is that true? Do people from other countries really assume that Australia is like a tourist pamphlet? You know, Bondi Beach and kangaroos hopping in front of setting suns?

    (I am not being nasty here, I am honestly curious of your impressions of Australia in general. The stereotype if you will)

    I think personally that America is too large to have a stereotype for me, but others might disagree.

    Canada, I always think of masses of snow and Ice Hockey (I had a Canadian teacher once who loved ice hockey and lived in a snowy area. Go figure).

    India –  I think of crowded streets, food vendors and not great living conditions.

    Britain – Rain. Dismal grey streets and buildings (I probably watch too much TV)

    …etc etc. Do you see what I mean though? Some places seem to carry stereotypes with them and I am honestly curious to know what stereotypes live in your heads.

    [Hopefully enough people from different countries decide to visit me today, or this post will need a fail sticker slapped on it]

    Fess up!

    Oh and just for Xbox, here are some photos of the [lack] of snow we got this morning. All the hills were covered, but unfortunately none settled for us.

  • Results

    I had a whole long post written in my head, but then Amy went to bed and my tiredness schwacked me in the head, so I will be brief.

    Biopsy showed that the tumour is definitely cancer. The tumour is covering all three of the major openings to Nan’s left lung, so surgery would require the whole lung to be removed.

    But, surgery is a possibility, depending entirely on the results of a PET scan. PET scans take about a fortnight to book into too (waiting list) and we will have to travel to Melbourne to get it done.

    Then, after we get THOSE results, treatment options can be discussed.

    The good news though? The cancer is a “squamous cell non-small cell lung cancer” which means that it is a slower growing cancer. (Name is provided for anyone wanting to google it or whatever. Also for Mum).

    So, I need everyone to pray that the nodules of possible cancer that the CT scan picked up are not in fact actual cancer. I need you to pray that the lymph nodes are not involved. I need you to pray that the pain Nan is feeling in her side is not the cancer moving to her bones.

    Okay? Because having the PET scan show that those things haven’t happened would be fantastic.

    And I need that right now.

  • Flooded

    I was going to write a post all about sleep and lack of it.

    Then disaster struck! AND…

    My blog flooded.

    It had fish and everything. Tell me, how did fish get into my blog?

    Then the flooding got worse.

    Now, I might be super-speedy mouse catching woman, BUT I am not a big fan of deep water and somehow leaving my blog to dry out was better than having to use scuba gear to write in.

    (Shuddup about how I am writing this. I can hold my breath or something like that)

    ****

    Tomorrow we get the results from Nan’s biopsy. Think good thoughts for us.

    And don’t drown as you leave a comment, okay? Drowning is bad.

    Flood via Netdiaster.com

  • Dear Neighbours…

    Hi! You might recognise me, I am the mother of the family that moved into this bedraggled house in March. I would just like to let you know, that if you continue to rev your loud ass car up and down my road at 10pm on a Sunday, you might just find me outside with a large stick, ready to jam it up your arse.

    You might not realise this, but I have a 22 month old little girl who doesn’t sleep much. SO I would really appreciate you not waking her the fuck up, just as I am about to go to bed.

    Sincerly, Veronica.

    PS. I have a good store of wooden planks filled with nails. You might want to check the road out with a torch before you ever try this again. Thanks.

    ****

    So, last night the neighbours were being young, noisy boys and revving their cars up and down the highway. Which would have been annoying, but mostly okayish, had their cars actually still had their mufflers intact.

    Amy woke often, crying for Daddy [I can only assume that Daddy is the go to man for scary car noises], which was all well and good, until he had to leave for work.

    Once Nathan left, I was stuck with a pissed off, non sleeping toddler. On my own. In the middle of the night.

    She didn’t sleep one bit. Not one freaking IOTA of fucking sleep was had between the hours of 11pm and 6am this morning. NOT ONE.

    Needless to say, when Nathan walked in the door this morning, he was met with a little girl happily squealing ‘DADDEEEEE! HI DADDEEEE!’ in the middle of the loungeroom.

    I didn’t even bother getting out of bed, just told him that she hadn’t slept all fucking night, cursed the neighbours a little and went back to sleep myself.

    Darling man let me sleep.

    Amy however needed to reassure herself that I was still home by running into the bedroom every 30 minutes to share whatever needed sharing [cold feet, snotty noses, a banana, and lastly, a can of diced tomatoes and a can opener].

    You would think after not sleeping at all over night, that she would at least have a nap for me, right?

    WRONG!

    She stayed awake and happy all day. At least until she curled up on my lap at 5pm and promptly passed out. 2 hours before bedtime.

    Sigh, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be a good night.

    She’s in her bed now, fast asleep (thank goodness she had had her nappy changed shortly before passing out, we had also managed to eat dinner) and I am in my bed, typing this and getting ready to snuggle with a book for an hour.

    Then? It’s an early night.