Author: Veronica

After the suckiness of this morning, I was rapt to have Mum tell me that she had been to the post office and I had not 1, but 2 parcels.

I am too lazy to take photos, so thankyou Lotus for the chocolate and the tops for Amy, they are absolutely gorgeous and as soon as she wears them I will take photos just for you.

Me? I’m nibbling on the chocolate right now.

And to April, thankyou so much for the lovely books for Amy. I got the parcels late this afternoon, so I haven’t had a chance to read them to her, but rest assured I will do so all day tomorrow. And she will adore them.

You guys, and the power of the internets have succeeded in making today MUCH MUCH nicer than it was at 2pm. I appreciate it so much.

SO MUCH I tell you.

So some things are hard to blog about. Some things require writing and deleting and writing and deleting and thinking about.

Some things are hard.

Trying to conceive is hard. You think about it, and worry and think and count and think. And sometimes you just need to get everything out of your head.

I need it out of my head so I can think, so I can breathe and then write very long sentences. With lots of ‘ands’.

My period arrived this afternoon, exactly a month after the last period. Apparently the 17th has my back and isn’t looking to disappoint me any time soon.

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I have an appointment with a gyno next month. On the 17th to be precise. See? I told you that the 17th has my back.

Hopefully I can get things looked into and sorted out. Heh.

Thankyou all for your crossed fingers and everything. Don’t worry, I will be relying on you all to cross everything next month too.

I’m going to go and sit with chocolate, my heat pack and a trashy novel now.

xxx

I am channeling my inner Zen.

I am thinking calming thoughts.

I am not stressed anymore.

My period was due today, and it isn’t here. Today is almost over.

I am conveniently ignoring the fact that my cycle can be a complete arsehole sometimes and sneak unexpected things on me (like super long cycles and super long periods and strange bleeding and cramping and… well, lets just agree that my cycle is an arsehole who likes to play with my head).

Tomorrow is CD31 and I am ready for it.

Nat’s parents are going to visit, so I am going to take the oppurtunity to let Amy show her Nanny how she goes down the slide (very fast, needs her hands holding or she eats dirt at the bottom, and trust me, it isn’t fun and it isn’t pretty) while I try to dig some of the front fenceline.

I want to plant a hedge of mint along the front fence, just because mint is lovely and it smells beautiful and it deters mice. Apparently.

And yes, I do know that mint is a weed and will spread. GOOD. I want it to spread. Along the front fence line at least. I want a pretty smelling hedgy bushy thing there and I want to be able to not worry about kids eating it.

So, digging, mint, slides, zen and no period.

Yep, that is about it from me today. Hehe.

Oh the other thing? I won’t be getting broadband. No way, no how. Apparently it is ‘too costly to repair the line for only 1 family to use’. Some arsehole on the mainland made the decision.

If you work for TELSTRA and you made the decision for me, revoke it okay? You are mucking up my blogging.

1) Food that is on Mummy’s plate is twice as tasty as food that is on my plate. Even if it is the same food. Also, food tastes much better if eaten while sitting on Mummy’s lap. Preferably so that Mummy can’t eat too. Unless I share.

2) Anything that is stacked or folded, needs unstacking and unfolding RIGHT NOW. All cupboards and drawers need emptying and then sitting in.

3) The dog food is mine. So is the cat food. And that blowfly. And LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY! I’m gonna eat it now. And no, I am not spitting it out. Unless you let me spit it down your top. Or on your crotch. In public.

4) Nappyless poops shall be done on the floor, not in the potty. Don’t you know? THE POTTY IS EVIL AND WANTS TO EAT MY BUM. Don’t worry Mummy, I will clean it up. Then I will hand you the warm poop, right into your hand. No! Don’t worry Mummy, my hands are clean, look, I used a wipe to pick the poop up with. See? See?

5) The toys in the toy basket are much more fun than the toys I already pulled out onto the floor. Once the toy box is empty then I need Mummy to clean it back up for me with me.

6) I am allowed to bite the dog. The dog is not allowed to bite me back.

7) All hurts must be kissed better every time I realise that it is there. This must be repeated until I can’t see the hurts anymore. Even if I can remember having a hurts there, then it must be kissed better.

8 ) If you want a kiss, I will kiss you. Then you must be prepared to let me nom on your nose (complete with nomming noises) until I am done. Otherwise? No kisses.

9) The sugar bowl needs to be left near the edge of the bench so that I can eat sugar at my leisure. YOU WILL NOT MOVE THE SUGAR BOWL.

10) All books are mine. Your books are mine. My books are mine. You will not take them off me while I am reading them. I DON’T CARE THAT THEY ARE UPSIDE DOWN. I am reading them. Yes, all of them.

11) All shoes are mine. I need them so we can go outside. Do not tell me that I need to take your shoes off and put mine on. I am happy. YOU wear my shoes and then we will go outside.

12) Daddy’s socks are my leg warmers. Daddy shall not wear any socks if my legs are cold and need them.

13) All hot drinks are made specifically for me. What do you mean I can’t share your coffee? WHAT KIND OF CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PERSON ARE YOU?!!!

All personnel must adhere to and abide by my rules at all times. Failure to do so will result in withholding of kisses and hugs, I will also be favouring the other parent until such times as my rules are obeyed.

Thankyou.

Amy.

Dear Chocolate,

I have come to the conclusion that you are just a cheap substitute for what I crave. I don’t really crave your velvety softness, or your warmth, or your addictive properties.

I don’t care that you call to me at bedtime, after my daughter has gone to sleep. No longer do I want to taste you during the bad days. I don’t want to use you as an excuse anymore.

So chocolate, I know I will regret this terribly, but I am breaking up with you.

At the end of the day, you just don’t satisfy me like you used to. I find myself needing more and more of you to get the same feeling. At the end of the day, you provide me with a slippery slope to slide down at 2am, and while the journey feels good, the landing is never any fun.

I don’t want to need you anymore. You are constantly there, begging for attention.

I think in reality I am a savoury girl, but chocolate, you have ruined me.

At the end of the day, I would pick smoked salmon over you, brie over you and sushi over you. Harsh words I know, but very true.

I write this tonight, because I know there is no way you can sink your teeth into my addiction tonight. I am craving you badly, but I have no choice but to remain strong.

One day maybe we can have a relationship based on moderation, but not right now.

Please, I beg you, can we still be friends?

Love Veronica.

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I am craving chocolate badly tonight, but there is none in the house. I tried eating cookies and cream ice cream but it was an exercise in futility, leaving me feeling more empty than before.

I desparately want sushi and brie cheese and smoked salmon, all things completely unavailable to me out here in the middle of grasslands and the day before payday.

I think it is stress.

While I said that we didn’t try this month, despite knowing when I was ovulating, I find that I didn’t really know when I was ovulating. I was relying on egg white cervical mucus to let me and then suddenly I had EWCM that lasted for 10 days. Very annoying. Makes me doubt my own body. So, we tried. And then tried. And then there was spotting exactly a week after we had sex. Exactly.

And so, my period is due on Friday if I have the same length cycle as last month. And I am waiting. I hate waiting.

So while I wait, I crave food that I can’t get. Scallops and smoked salmon and sushi and brie. All things that I have as treats when we can afford them. All things that we currently don’t have in the house. (All things that Amy would happily live on and makes me share, Hmmmmph)

Heh.

Poor Nathan is feeling the brunt of the stress as I alternately try to kill him (saucepans are good), tell him to get fucked or cry over nothing. Poor Nat. How does he put up with me?

I know I am reading too much into things, but this is just a brain dump. Get it out of my head, out of my system and then I can wait patiently.

Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

All about the Zen, baby.

Now, ‘scuse me while I go and make a sandwich.