Author: Veronica

I love the word schwacker. It just rolls off my tongue so nicely, schhhhhhhhwacker. Go on, say it out loud. You know you want to.

Schhhhhhwacker.

Anyway, since I have been running around like a mad women, desparately trying to schwack mice (mice=100 Veronica=0) I have begun to see the various pros and cons of schwackers.

Like this schwacker. This schwacker is actually a book. See? A David Eddings book to be precise. Nice and light, it has a good feel to it. Very nice weight and it makes a good SCHWACK sound when you hit something with it (say, your husband when he is giving you the shits). I am hoping that the sound would turn into more of a SCHWOMP when I actually manage to hit a mouse. Then I worry about mouse bits getting stuck to the cover…

However, with Nathan being so anti-clutter, I regularly find myself chasing mice without my handy David Eddings book.

In cases like those, anything will do as a schwacker.

Take my shoe for example. It wasn’t my first schwacker and it probably isn’t the schwacker of choice. It was the one I picked up when I hadn’t yet discovered the David Eddings book. It makes more of a THIMP sound when you schwack something with it.

I’m not sure anything that made a thimp sound would suitably stun a mouse to be honest.

Now, here we have the wooden woman model of schwacker. I grabbed her off the bench when the mice were partying in the dog food the other night.

She has a lovely curve to the back of her shoulders and I doubt very much that a mouse would be running away after being hit with this baby.

She also has wonderful handle like legs. Great for holding. When you hit her on something she makes a lovely THWACK sound.

Isn’t she pretty?

She cracks nuts too apparently. Between her legs. Trust my partner to have something like this. However I will forgive her all her sins if I can use her to kill mice. Heh.

I don’t imagine a flyswatter would be much good for schwacking mice, do you?

However, I suppose if that was all you had to hand and you wielded it hard enough and fast enough (oh, there are so many jokes I could make about now…) it *might* work.

I wouldn’t count on it to do much more than annoy the mouse. And annoyed mice are vicious mice, so make sure to sleep with your toes tucked tightly under the covers. Mice are great ones for revenge.

Just sayin’.

Also? I really wouldn’t recommend schwacking with a slice of bread. It *may* have the right shape and size, but a slice of bread is really not going to make a good schwacker. Well, unless you glue it to a piece of wood. Then it might work.

Maybe.

Now, personally, this would make a great schwacker, ESPECIALLY if you tied it to a broom handle. A little unwieldy, but practise makes perfect, right?

I can just imagine it, SHCWAP! SCHWAP! as the mouse tried to run away.

Perfect for those people who are scared of mice.

You could even get really bloodthirsty and stick thumbtacks to the paddle bit. Then no matter how softly you hit the mouse, he wouldn’t be getting away. Yup, I am a little bit evil. Shhhhhh.

A tennis racket would make a great schwacker, but please, don’t hit the mouse too hard. You don’t want mousey bits to ooze up through the holes. No, really, you don’t.

My advice? If you use a tennis racket, then make sure you don’t schwack the living daylights out of the mouse.

Yes, the idea is to kill the mouse, but not to mangle it! Sheesh! Ask yourself, do you really want to clean mouse guts out of the carpet, lino, tennis racket? Really?

However, of all the schwackers I have looked at today, this one must be the best.

It would be the biggest, hardiest schwacker that I have seen. I wants it. I needs it. I could kill 10 mice at a time with it.

Look, isn’t it beautiful?

IMAGINE HOW MANY MICE WOULD DIE IF I COERCED THEM TO SIT UNDERNEATH IT AND THEN DROPPED IT ON THEIR HEADS!

Many many mice.

Pity that I wouldn’t be able to lift it. Or get it through my doors. Or you know, even get close to dropping it on them.

Damn mice.

*****

I promise, unless the mice kidnap me tonight, I will have something other than mice and shcwackers to talk about tomorrow.

So, mice have soft fur….

…And I was thinking, since I am such a bloodthirsty killer, I could totally make a mouse skin blanket out of mice that I kill with my schwacker.

But, see, mice are dirty. So I would have to wash the skins first.

My plan?

1 – Schwack a mouse. Maybe do some reflex training so that I am actually fast enough to schwack the mouse. So far my schwacker remains completely clean of mouse blood. So does my conscience.

2 – Keep the mouse comatose, but not dead. Give mouse a bath, along with shampoo to make it nice and clean.

3 – Carefully dry the comatose mouse (maybe I need some mouse chloroform to keep it asleep?) and fluff their fur appropriately.

4 – Sharpen my very good, very sharp boning knife. Sharpen it to really really really fucking sharp.

5 – Kill mouse humanely. Maybe with a hammer blow to the head. Very quick and as the mouse is asleep (see above for mouse chloroform), very humane.

6 – Cut mouse’s head off, trying (and I guess failing) to keep blood away from the fur. Make an incision along the stomach and back legs and using the knife carefully peel the skin off.

7 – Feed left over mouse bits to the cats. Hope that this will teach the cats to catch mice so that I don’t have to do it for them.

8 – Make sure the mouse skin is clean of flesh and carefully peg it out to dry (use drawing pins). Refer to handheld manual, ‘How To Dry Mouse Skins For Use As A Blanket’ (albeit a very small blanket. More of a mouse warning sign).

9 – Make sure skin stays nice and dry for the next few weeks.

10 – Repeat x150 to get enough skins to sew together.

11 – Make sure the remaining alive mice see the mouse-skin blanket at every opportunity. Taunt them with it until they fuck off forever.

Hopefully by about mouse #5, the cats will have gotten the idea and I won’t have to schwack so many of them. (The mice, not the cats) Maybe I will even recruit the cats to hand me dead, pre-washed (read: licked) mice for me to skin for them.

Oh the possibilities…

My hairbrush is missing and the only thing I can think of is Alien Abduction.

I mean, it is entirely plausible for a shipload of Aliens to float down to earth while I am busy and abduct my hairbrush.

Right?

What definitely in no way could possibly have happened would be a Toddler Abduction. A toddler abducting my hairbrush? DON’T BE SILLY. That would NEVER HAPPEN.

No matter that the hairbrush went missing right after I brushed Amy’s hair and made her scream. Right after she looked at the hairbrush and told me it was a ‘Bad bad bad NO HURTS ME!’ naughty hairbrush implement of TORTURE AND DEATH.

No, the Aliens totally took it.

Wanna know why?

See, I have this theory. Mothers will agree with me; aliens all over the world are RIGHT NOW carrying out ‘Operation Hairbrush Removal’ from the bathrooms/bedrooms/toy boxes of sleep deprived women.

They plan to test our DNA and work out why we can cope with many nights of teething, puke, screaming, crying and NOT SLEEPING, when our hairier, stronger counterparts tend to fall apart a little bit. I think it is the sleep that gets the men in the end.

[I have to add, there are some men completely cut out for puke and sleepless nights and those men had better lock their hairbrushes up, because damn if those Aliens won’t want to test their DNA too]

The only other reason I can think of for an Alien abducting my hairbrush, is that said Alien is on a mission to make all women look like haystacks. That way, their husbands won’t want to have sex with them and then, when they move onto abducting people, they won’t complain half as much about the probing.

But that is just my theory.

What do you think?

Dear readers,

My name is Veronica and I have a problem.

It is only a small problem and you, dear reader are completely able to solve this problem for me.

See, I entered this competition with a post of mine.

Now, I need people to vote for me.

I entered last time Top School Fundraisers had a competition too, only I didn’t have any readers that I could beg for votes then.

So please, vote for me here?

Please? It is in a handy dandy little poll box and all you have to do is click next to my name.

Click.

Click.

I will be forever grateful and humble and you look so pretty today! Honest. And there will be love. Lots of love (in a good way, not an icky way, promise. Unless you like icky….)

[A return to my regular program is scheduled for this evening, feel free to return then if you don’t want to vote. Meanie]