For a long time, I didn’t have any savings. When things went wrong, which they frequently did, we were left without any backup plan.
At the time, a savings account was beyond us financially. Between rent, commuting and our growing family, we had nothing left over. But the panic every time I thought about paying the car registration, or the power bill, or something breaking eventually got to me and I couldn’t do it anymore.
(Yes, we’re still in the hospital)
Gate leave, man, it’s awesome. Last night after a long day in hospital, Evelyn and I came home and slept in our own bed. Despite still being in hospital, getting to go home every evening is saving my sanity.
We’re still getting into the routine of things. Eve had lost weight at admittance yesterday, and the speechie has noted a few things going on with her mouth when she eats, so hopefully a plan is on the way.
We’re probably going to repeat her swallow study, this time looking for what is going on further down her oesophagus, rather than just her swallow. Right now, Eve is complicated and we’re still feeling our way forward.
She’s asleep right now, after I walked miles up and down the corridors, with her in her pram. She’d refused to sleep in her cot, and I was grateful, so grateful,for not being tied to the ward, for being allowed to walk, for our ability to leave the climate controlled paeds ward.
That’s really all that is happening right now. I’m tired, and not looking forward to the rest of the week, but I’m hopeful that this will be the beginning of getting her issues sorted.
And you know, this morning she smeared an entire tub of pureed apple and blackcurrant all over herself, so that was also a bonus.
My bags are packed, the children are prepared, and we are almost ready. I’ve put credit on all my devices, packed Evelyn’s favourite books and socks, and spare clothes for me.
Sadly, we’re not going on holiday, or anywhere fun. Instead, Evelyn is being admitted to RHH tomorrow for a week to teach her how to eat. A team of nurses and a speech therapist will be at hand to watch Evelyn feeding, offer suggestions and take over where necessary. We’ll be working on cutting down her breastfeeds to almost nothing, while upping her intake of real food and milk from a cup or bottle.
Today, the plan is that we’ll be getting gate leave each night to come home and sleep in our own bed, before heading back to the hospital every morning. I’m hoping this is the plan we get to keep. There’s really nothing worse than sleeping on a hospital recliner.
I’m not looking forward to it, frankly. But it’s a good plan – the best plan under the circumstances, and my dread is a selfish thing. Dread of having to keep an energetic opinionated toddler entertained for long hours with no one to give me a break.
I looked at Nathan the other day and said “but what if she eats really well in the hospital?”
That’s my biggest fear. That we’ll get in there and she will be amazing, taking all her nutrition easily.
Nathan reminded me that she won’t be good for an entire week. No matter how much novelty is to be found in a new highchair (she detests hers) and new people, she won’t keep it up for the whole time.
He has a good point.
She’ll also be having more bloods taken, one lot to do a genetic screen, just in case there is something there we’re overlooking, and standard iron/vitamin D/liver function tests again. Hopefully her anaemia has resolved with the last few months of iron supplements.
So, that’s where I’ll be for the next week. In and out of the hospital with Evelyn. Again.
Hopefully at the end of it all Evelyn will be eating enough real food to avoid an NG tube. We’re not even interested in getting her to eat textures yet, just to eat enough purees to survive without breastmilk.
Wish us luck.
And this is why my Christmas tree is full of holes and broken branches.
So, wow. November, hey? What a ride that was. I wrote feverishly, creating giant plot holes that I lost myself in. I threw my hands in the air and shouted at my characters to behave, and rewrote their back stories when they wouldn’t. I’m attached, and finished, and glad to be done.
I’m also suffering from NaNoWriMo hangover. I haven’t written any fiction in five days and it feels strange to not have any pressure, or plot points hanging around in there. If you tap on my head, it’s hollow, written out and written down.
By the end, I was averaging 2k words a day, mostly written in a frenzy after Evelyn fell asleep each night. I lost sleep, tapping away at my laptop until midnight, making the characters dance to my whims.
And now it’s over, it feels like I’m emerging again. Not like a butterfly – more like a mole. Or something that lives underground, creeping around in the dank depths of insanity.
It’s Summer now, and long warm days are the perfect things for writing – or for thinking about writing, while actually playing in the garden.
The benefit of all this concerted effort in November, are the habits I form. Writing doesn’t take as long. Putting words down on the paper is a faster, smoother process.
The other benefit of NaNo are the people you meet. Other writers, who understand the insanity of making up lies to tell people on purpose. Of creating people who are entirely real, and entirely fake.
In a few weeks, I’ll pick up my rough draft again and read it through, red pen in hand. I’ll slash and burn, and rebuild, and write. I’ll beat it into submission, and make something of it. Because that’s what I do. I write. Writers write.
After that, who knows?
I do know I am glad November is over, crazy brilliant fun that it is. My poor brain needs a small holiday, and I am happy to relax into this, the holiday season, with books and notepads and plans for the New Year.
Did you do NaNoWriMo? Did you win?