Animals

I was sitting in the bedroom this afternoon, talking to Nathan and I could hear a strange sound. First, I thought it was my ear popping. Then I thought that something I was sitting on was crinkling. Then I asked Nathan if he could hear it.

He looked at me like I was stupid and said ‘Hear what?’.

Much listening ensued and FINALLY, a noise, when Nathan was listening.

I moved myself (stealthily) to the corner of the bedroom, where a bunch of clothes were piled on the floor (remember, I have no drawers yet). I slowly started moving things when SUDDENLY! JUST AS I SUSPECTED! There was A MOUSE!

Now said mouse was actually a field mouse and oh my fucking god can those things run fast. I quickly threw a bowl upside down on top of it’s head to trap it (yes, there is a bowl in the bedroom. I regularly get late night nausea and getting out of bed is never my idea of a good time. Therefore I keep a bowl handy just in case. Yes, it does get thrown up in on occasion and yes, it does get washed regularly) and BAM! It was stuck.

Or so I (stupidly) thought.

Nathan handed me a bit of cardboard to slide under the bowl, so that we could move the mouse out to where the cats were.

I slid the cardboard… and oh my fucking god can field mice run fast. They can also squeeze through a tiny freaking gap.

It moved almost faster than I could see, out of the bedroom, into the hall and under the sheet I keep on Amy’s gate (the sheet is tied around the gate to stop Seven bothering Amy at 3am, or crapping in the bedroom).

I held my bowl ready to be used as a schwacker as I moved the sheet, very very slowly.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Went the mouse as it zipped past me and I cursed my sleepless reflexes.

I chased it just in time to watch it disappear under the recliner. I haven’t run that fast in ages.

Now, I was all for throwing the recliner across the lounge room so that I could schwack the damn mouse, but Nathan moved it slowly slowly (much too slowly for me, as I hopped up and down impatiently).

And there was no mouse left. We did however, find the hole that the mouse disappeared into.

Where were that cats, that I have been purposly keeping hungry just for this purpose? Um, they were in the kitchen. Looking for food. While I, A HUMAN, tried to chase down their mouse for them.

*****

Cue 3 hours later and I am sitting here writing emails and comments.

ZIP ZIP ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

A mouse flies (okay, so it didn’t really fly, but goddamn was it fast) out of our bedroom and disappears under a bag of clothing set aside for the Salvos.

I screech at Nathan to get a cat, any cat, JUST GET A DAMN CAT, while I stand by the bag, ready to stomp (I’m not sure how I would have gone, I had bare feet) on any mouse trying to poke it’s nose out from underneath.

Nathan appears with a cat and I whisk the bag away as Nathan drops the cat, DIRECTLY ON THE MOUSE.

Now in it’s defence, said cat is still a kitten and she has probably never seen a mouse before. STILL you would think that she would do something other than look at us with a stupid expression while the mouse shimmied into a crack and disappeared.

Stupid ass cat.

So now, Nathan and I have a plan.

We are each going to hold a schwacker (one of my shoes) while we slowly and steadily pick up items of clothing in our bedroom. There is a very good chance we may turn up a third mouse.

In the event that we find a mouse (and god damn, we better find a mouse) we are going to schwack it on the head UNTIL IT IS DEAD.

Then we are going to defile it’s dead body (please don’t tell the UN) by tying a string to it and teaching the kittens how to catch, kill and eat mice.

We figure they need the lesson.

I shall be back to report shortly. Like as soon as Amy goes to sleep and I can get into my bedroom without her seeing me through the doorway.

*****

Total letdown. No mice to schwack in the bedroom, not even a skitter or a scurry. The UN would be pleased. I however am not.

I even had my piece of string ready.

They better be careful though, because I am ready for them.

Until then, maybe mice are just attracted to me?

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When I was a teenager, we had a bad mouse plague one winter.

I was sleeping inside at the time, on a mattress on the floor of my brothers bedroom. He was about 8 at the time and my bus/caravan had no power and therefore was too icy cold to sleep in. Something about waking up to frost INSIDE the windows made me want to give up my privacy for warmth.

The mouse plague was so bad that if you shook the curtains, mice would fall out of them. It was BAAAAD.

Anyway, one night I was trying to sleep and suddenly the cat started going stupid and running up and down my legs.

I assumed it was a mouse (hell, I was completely desensitised by then) and so I started shaking out the blankets. The cat pounced, the mouse squeaked and I heard crunching nomming noises.

Satisfied that the mouse was dead, I promptly fell back asleep, after first reminding myself to be careful where I trod if I had to get up.

There is nothing better than treading on a mouse liver in bare feet. NOOOOOTHING better.

After sleeping all night (yes! I actually used to sleep! all night!) I woke in the morning and got up for school. Eventually, I was looking for something (think messy teenager) and looked under my pillow.

Lo and behold, there was a second mouse! Dead! Under my pillow!

I had slept on a dead mouse.

It was even squashed flat.

Obviously I went to school and told my friends about it. I’m classy like that.

One friend suggested that maybe the cat lost a tooth.

M – ‘Maybe your cat lost a tooth.’

V – ‘And the mouse was actually a present for the cat!’

M – ‘Well, cats don’t exactly need money’

V – ‘It can’t have been a good tooth, the mouse was very flat and very dead. Pretty pathetic gift if you ask me’

M – ‘Did you feed it to the cat?’

V – ‘Yup, I just had to wiggle it a bit and she thought it was alive’

M – ‘See?’

M – ‘Or maybe you lost a tooth and the tooth fairy was actually just messing with your head’

V – ‘A deranged tooth fairy’

M – ‘Nice.’

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Dear Council Workers,

Hi! I appreciate that you are doing your job, but I would just like to know why the hell you are washing the road. My daughter and partner are both asleep and I am taking the few moments I have spare to do some things.

Please STOP WASHING THE FREAKING ROAD outside of my daughter’s bedroom window, because if she wakes up and ruins my free time I will be rather pissed off.

I mean, freaking hell! All you have to do is wait a few days and it will rain! Sheesh!

And don’t look at me like that when I wander outside to find out what the noise is. Really, I don’t care what you think. Just piss off.

Thanks, Veronica.

Dear Seven,

When there are workers being noisy outside of the house, I don’t need you adding to the noise by barking to let me know that there is noise. I am dealing with it okay? Bark when it is dark to let me know there are people out the front. I would appreciate that.

I know you just want to be comfortable, but when I get up to let the cat out I am NOT inviting you to steal my bean bag. It is the only place I can sit and use my laptop until I get a desk and I can’t sit on top of you. Nor can you lie on my lap while I work.

Also, while we are at it, if I catch you peeing on the clean washing again, even though you had just been outside for an hour and the back door was still open, I may just feel the need to turn you into an OUTSIDE dog.

And the chewing of my underwear. Can you stop that? Please? I am down to 4 pairs of knickers and it will be a few days until I can buy more. I can see you digging through the clean laundry looking for it. Why can’t you chew sticks? Or the toys I bought you? Or your own feet? Because I need my underwear dammit.

Thanks, Your Owner.

Dear Amy,

Thankyou for sleeping nicely this afternoon. Also thankyou for not waking up when the workers were screeching outside of your window. I really didn’t want to have to go and throw dog poop at them.

Love, Mummy.

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Nope, there is no blog inside my head today. Check back tomorrow for a ‘real’ post.

I promise I will have something better.

Hey! I have a good idea, if there is something you want me to write about, tell me in the comments. I will get my ass in gear and write it tomorrow for you. With linky love. Anything is game.

Also, tomorrow I got my fast internet connected whci should mean that you see me about more often. if I haven’t been to visit you lately (because I SUCK badly and I am sorry) then feel free to let me know in the comments and I will rectify the situation. Mmmkay?

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