Gotta Laugh

I am too nice to get ahead in blogging. Obviously my future Internet fame lies in sex tapes

by Veronica on April 19, 2012

in Blogging, Gotta Laugh

A very long time ago, I started blogging on the Internet, instead of scribbling all my thoughts down into a paper diary. It was good fun, but the dinosaurs weren’t great at commenting and I was pleased to see a slow evolution taking place, bringing a lot of people to blogging with me.

It was after the first blogging conference I attended that I realised, I was just too nice to get ahead.

Unlucky for me, I genuinely liked people, I enjoyed both reading and writing and I suffered from pangs of guilt if I didn’t get around to reading my commenters blogs at least on occasion. As blogging exploded in Australia, along with blogging opportunities, I failed to get ahead. I wasn’t cut throat enough, or pushy enough, or able to effectively promote myself in a “I’m so much better than everyone else” kind of way.

Even worse, I had a huge case of Ethics and Morals that were hampering my every move.

It was sad and I was woeful, until I realised that my future didn’t have to be in turning my kids into online monkeys posing for the camera, or selling my soul for a piece of profit.

NO!

My future Internet fame could lie in SEX TAPES.

Surely sex tapes were likely to gain me more exposure that mummyblogging ever could? If I flashed my creativity in front of a video camera, SURELY someone would notice me and send me lots of money, for very little work. It worked for Kim Kardashian, right?

Unfortunately, my husband refused to help me storyboard my sex tape idea. He had “things to do” that involved fixing our lawn mower and hanging out the washing. I had such a good story planned for the teddy bears and toy goat too.

Things got even wonkier when I realised that I had no idea where the toy goat actually was and I wasn’t sure a unicorn was going to cut it.

But then! Inspiration struck!

I found a partially clothed Barbie Doll and a Zhu Zhu Pet.

And so, Internet, because my fame will never lie in cut throat mummyblogging, I give you Interspecies Barbie Doll Porn.

What more could you want?

Obviously my other failing is not having the patience to put together a stop motion movie.

You’ll have to use that imagination of yours instead.

 

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Looking on the bright side. (aka, I’m not at DPcon and I’m trying to be cheerful)

by Veronica on March 30, 2012

in Blogging, Gotta Laugh

There are benefits to being home this weekend, rather than in Melbourne catching up with my friends. I’m trying to hold onto those benefits, rather than sulk about the fact that March is a bad month financially and I couldn’t afford to go.

So, here is my list of reasons why it’s more awesome that I am at home.

– I slept in my own bed last night, with enough pillows to support my ever-expanding baby mass.

– Outside working in the garden is my very own personal masseuse. Sure, I can’t pay him in real money and call the debt even, but he’s rather good at putting my ribs back in place and easing sore muscles.

– Fudge. I have a large supply of fudge and I’m not afraid to eat it.

– Comfortable seats. My computer chair is comfy. My recliner is comfy. My bed with stacks of pillows is comfy. All of these places are more comfortable to tweet from than conference room chairs, especially when you are pregnant and extremely bendy.

– Sunshine. Tasmania has pulled out the gorgeous sunshine for me and I can go outside and bask in it, while still keeping up with the conference, via twitter and Louisa’s live blog.

– Snuggles from my children. I miss them when I’m away. Plus, just quietly, Isaac is rather unwell, so it’s a good thing I’m home anyway.

– Snacks. Not only do I have fudge, but there are cheese and crackers, olives, apples and all kinds of foods in my house and I don’t have to worry about interrupting anything, or annoying anyone by eating exactly when I feel like it.

– My book. Yes, I’m reading a good book at the moment and I can read through all the boring bits, like speeches and panel changes. Not quite as good as laughing and chatting with my friends, but better than nothing.

– Good tea. I’m not stuck drinking hotel tea. ‘Nuff said.

And yes, I know there are downsides to being at home, like the fact I have to actually cook dinner tonight and there is a sick child coughing all over me, plus you know, the really big deal of not seeing all of my friends, but I’m holding onto the bright side (and watching twitter, intently).

How are you this fine Friday? If you’re not at DPcon and you wanted to be, how are you distracting yourself? And do you want to come tweet with the #notatdpcon crowd?

This post is also part of Dorothy’s “Things I Know” because these are the things I know are awesome about being at home right now.

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If politicians were like mummy bloggers

by Veronica on February 23, 2012

in Gotta Laugh

– There would be no talk of a leadership spill before it happened.

– The entire spill and speculation would happen via email.

– There would be no face to face discussion about it. Ever.

– The Australian people wouldn’t know what happened until Julia and Kevin refuse to attend the same event.

– Someone will be left standing on their soapbox screeching about “the good of the community” and how “they’re TEARING US APART”.

– Support will be silently given and received.

– Any information made public will have an overtone of “we know what’s best for everyone, so follow along and don’t worry about a thing”.

– The second-in-command will let the power go to their head, and end up trying to micro-manage the ensuing conversation.

– Everyone else will be entirely confused about what is happening, but they will all agree that it was a terrible terrible thing and please can’t we just move on.

AND

– At the end of the day, you will be left with split factions, who seem to think that they control some sort of power.

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How many times a day can two children watch one show? LOTS

by Veronica on February 13, 2012

in Gotta Laugh

My children have an obsession with Peppa Pig. This pink, snorting, grunting, talking pig, has invaded our house.

It started with the very occasional showing on ABC4Kids. Then, they discovered ABC4Kids online and spent hours watching the same episodes, turning the computer back on, every time I turned it off and hiding in corners with my Tablet.

Then they started to act out the episodes.

This is including, but not limited to:

Giant chunks of Peppa Pig, repeated over and over,

Pretending to be the characters (this means Isaac stops talking and starts whining)

Pretending to cry, like George (causing my brain to explode)

and

Creating and jumping in muddy puddles (my poor, poor washing pile)

It’s a bit wearing.

But the biggest problem really, is that every time I watch Peppa Pig, this is all I can see.

It’s a real issue.

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Wind: An utterly ridiculous invention and something ought to be done.

by Veronica on January 10, 2012

in Gotta Laugh

Sitting in the small town doctors surgery, waiting to get my pregnancy confirmed and an ultrasound referral done, Nathan and I overheard a conversation.

Old Man: “What about this bloody weather? All this wind. I ask you, what is wind even for? All it does is make people angry…”

Woman: “YES! And it’s RUINED my roses.”

Old Man: “No good for anything. I don’t even know why we have it.”

They made noises of agreement and moved on to other topics.

Nathan and I didn’t look at each other, but we laughed the whole way home.

Wind; it’s a TERRIBLE invention and something ought to be done.

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