Headfuck

No Faith

by Veronica on February 4, 2009

in Headfuck

When we fell pregnant with Isaac, I had no faith that we would be bringing home a baby at the end of it. We’d been trying to conceive for over 12 months and unlike what I had anticipated, that kind of thing doesn’t just wash away when you see the 2 lines on a pregnancy test.

There was bleeding. Oh god there was lots of bleeding. I remember standing – bleeding – in the shower at 10 weeks pregnant sobbing because I knew that I couldn’t go back to trying to conceive again without going insane. There was the thought of just so much time wasted to be thrown right back into where we started.

Luckily the pregnancy was stronger than my faith in it and it continued on.

At every single antenatal appointment I braced myself to be told ‘no heartbeat’. When I started to feel him kick I would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep until I felt a movement. I had no faith.

When we found out we were having a boy, suddenly he was much more real to me. I felt him kick and breathed the words ‘my son’ to no one, but I still wasn’t making plans based around the birth of this baby.

This baby that we were oh so lucky to be pregnant with.

Knowing that he was a boy didn’t make me feel any better either. Caucasian boys don’t do as well as girls statistically.

At 24 weeks when I started to bleed I shut off my emotions, made myself cold and just powered through it. At 25 weeks when I was admitted to hospital because I had been spotting and losing my mucus plug, I didn’t think about what it might mean long term. I kept myself switched off, all the way through a diagnosis of infection and a positive fetal fibronectin test (meaning that there was a chance I would go into labour in the next 14 days).

I thought about it, but I was cold; reserved. I weighed odds and chances with no emotion attached.

Because at that point, my baby wasn’t real yet. Sure he was kicking me and I wanted him badly to stay in there and be okay, but he wasn’t real to me yet.

I still had no faith. No faith that I would actually get the happy ending I had fantasised about. No faith in his health and safe arrival.

And still, our baby was stronger than that and we were discharged on antibiotics.

I made it through the horrible 25-34 week period and started to actually believe that we might not go into preterm labour. I started to make plans for the actual birthing of this little one, I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t afraid to make sure Nathan knew it (basically, only Nathan in delivery with me, no one waiting in the waiting rooms etc).

Until I birthed Isaac into my hands and heard his cry, I didn’t believe that we would get there. Holding him was simply a relief, listening to him breathe was a balm for all my worries.

It took a long time for us to get our happy ending and until I held our little boy, I truly believed that it wouldn’t happen. Spending an entire pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop is not something I ever want to do again.

And now, he is here and he is real. I have the gnawed on nipples and bags under my eyes to prove it.

But however hard it was, I wouldn’t trade this; my journey, for the world, because in the end, our son was stronger than anything else.

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Well.

by Veronica on January 14, 2009

in Headfuck, Pregnant. Finally.

So contrary to what we were all hoping, I haven’t had this baby yet.

No, you read that right, I am still freaking pregnant.

Lets have a look at the stats.

10 days of bloody show.

3 days of contractions.

35C heat yesterday and similar forecast for today.

1.5cm dilated

And finally…

A baby that is estimated to be about 6lb6oz. Not huge in any way, but still a very healthy weight.

So that’s where we’re at.

I’d just like to clear up for the record, that when I say contractions, I don’t mean the painless/slightly uncormfortable Braxton Hicks contractions that I was having before. No, these are ohmyholymotherfuckingod honest to goodness painful contractions.

That get to about 3 minutes apart and 1 minute long and then STOP.

I’m tired. I’m hot. I’m getting frustrated.

I know that eventually things will ramp up and this little one will arrive, but really, I would prefer to not be exhausted mentally and physically when that happens.

So, that’s where we’re at.

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Discombobulated

by Veronica on November 26, 2008

in Headfuck, Pregnant. Finally.

I’ve been a bit discombobulated this week so far.

It started with a midwives appointment Monday. I’m still measuring small for dates (about a month behind) but my uterus is showing growth so there shouldn’t be anything to worry about.

And I wasn’t worried, knowing that I had measured small with Amy and that I felt bigger this time. Until I looked at my hospital appointment records from Amy’s pregnancy and realised that ‘hey! sure I measured small with Amy, but I’m measuring even smaller with this kid, even if I feel bigger and wtf?’.

So yes, a full 2 weeks behind where I was measuring with Amy and 4 weeks behind where I should be. Also, the baby has moved from being head down, to being sideways and seriously baby, my sides are not simply there for your stretching and strengthening exercises. Please refrain from trying to kick your way out. My sides are not an exit. Trust me, when the time comes, you should hopefully be able to find the exit easily.

Then on Tuesday, Nathan was given a weeks notice at work.

WHAT?! I can hear you saying? Yes. The job that he started 3 months ago after being fired* from his other job, just fired him for no good reason.

[His shirt wasn’t ironed on one occasion. He didn’t pick up a bit of bread in a walkway that wasn’t supposed to have had anyone in it. Uhm, yep, that sounds like the entire litany of complaints against him]

Unfortunately, because he was a new worker and his 3 month ‘trial’ period was nearly up, we can’t do a thing about it. Funnily enough, his sacking happens at exactly the same time that his boss lost a large contract elsewhere and needed somewhere new to put his workers who were working at the old place.

Sigh.

Luckily, before I had too much time to stress myself into a frenzy, Nathan had made a few phone calls to ‘people he knows’ and he now (24 hours later) has a new job lined up. But honestly we didn’t need the stress.

Then today, just as I am getting my head around Nathan starting a new job in a week or so, Amy decided to finger paint herself with yogurt.

I mean, sure, in the scheme of things yogurt finger painting isn’t that big of a deal, but I would have much preferred that she eat the damn yogurt, rather than request it and then paddle in it.

And the cat keeps leaving her kitten alone for hours and hours while she galivants about, content in the fact that I won’t let the toddler or the dog maul him. Leaves him for hours and hours, until he starts to mew wildly about being hungry and cold and bored and hungry and then I have to go and find the stupid mother cat (who is actually quite a good mother, it’s just that the kitten is still living inside and I am so over it).

*deep breaths*

Plus, on top of all that, Amy continues to wake at 4am and not go back to sleep until around 5.30am, needing patting and cuddles every 10 minutes or so, meaning that I am in and out of bed in the cold, unable to sleep while she sorts herself out enough to go back to sleep. It’s not something I am enjoying. More to the point, I can’t even blame her cold because she has only had the cold for 2 days, while the sleep issues have been happening for 2 weeks now.

Right. Yes. So, discombobulated.

How have you been?

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Also, new theme. Any issues? Does it take too long to load?

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*I say fired, but we actually just won our unlawful dismissal case against his former employers.

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Stress

by Veronica on October 24, 2008

in Headfuck, Pregnant. Finally.

So you know, we were doing really well.

I had stopped stressing; we had gone back to discussing ‘when the baby comes in January’ rather than ‘if I’m still pregnant for Christmas’ and I was content that the little one was going to remain where he belongs.

Then I spent 2 hours having painful contractions today. Sure they weren’t that regular and I could still talk through them, but they were happening and they were painful.

But I figured, as long as we don’t see any blood and they stop, we’ll be fine. I rested, I drank lots of water and they stopped.

Then I started to see small amounts of blood streaked mucus. (Only very small amounts of blood mind you)

It’s fine though, because now the contractions have stopped.

[Aside from the one right after dinner, where I had to breathe and concentrate and just ignore Amy screaming at you, because breathe dammit. The good thing? It wasn’t followed by any others]

So random painful contractions and a little staining. Can we say stress?

Now before you start to worry, I’m not in labour. I’m probably not even in prelabour.

This is exactly what happened a fortnight ago when I headed to the hospital and look what happened. I spent 3 days there without even a baby to show for my efforts!

[Thank god]

[And a fortnight ago I wasn’t having any kind of painful contractions; any I had didn’t hurt, but details details.]

To be fair though, we did spend yesterday doing alot of stuff. Sure I didn’t lift anything, or carry anything or even do that much, but we walked lots and I pulled all the weeds out of my garden (slowly; relaxingly; grumblingly) and we were busy. So I suspect that doing too much *may* just bring this kind of thing on. (We were quite busy the day before this happened last time too)

So here we are again. Waiting and watching to see what happens. Resting lots to make sure that I’m not putting any stress on myself. Drinking enough water to float a small boat. All the things I should be doing.

It’s just – I didn’t want to have to be doing this again, you know? One bout of stressing about preterm labour is MORE than enough to see me through to January thankyouverymuch. This baby has already sent me more than grey enough and he isn’t even here yet.

It’s enough to make me realise that I really don’t need anything to go wrong. I want this pregnancy to go full term and to deliver a healthy baby more than anything right now. Dammit, it took us long enough to actually fall pregnant, it should all get to be smooth sailing after we saw those 2 pink lines.

Sigh.

Let’s just get through this again and everything will be fine. 27w1d so far. Still far too early for this.

And don’t worry, if it continues or if I feel we need to, I will head on down to the hospital to make sure everything is okay. At this point in time it has been a few hours since I had any kind of contraction to speak of and I *think* the slight staining is settling down. We’re going to see how I go overnight.

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Updated again..

by Veronica on October 12, 2008

in Headfuck, Pregnant. Finally.

Hello out there it is Vonnie’s Mum again. Thankyou for your prayers, best wishes, cyber hugs and the all round good will that has been sent our way.

It is Sunday afternoon and so far all is well. Veronica had some light contractions at 3 am this morning but they stopped after about an hour..*phew*

She has had two steroid injections, twelve hours apart which are to speed up the developement of her son’s lungs.  This is a  “just in case precaution”.

The doctorsare keeping her in hospital for at least the next 24 hours and they have now classed her pregnancy as high risk.

Tomorrow they will do a proper ultrasound to have a really good look at the baby.

So that is all for now. You know as much as I do..

Cheers Kim

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