Category: Headfuck

Are you at your wits end? (Yes!)

Are you contemplating beating things into very small pieces with an iron bar? (Oh god yes)

Have you seriously considered locking your children in their bedrooms? (or the closet… Just for a little while. But yes.)

Have you got things going on in your life that you can’t blog about, but you are seriously thinking of murdering people? (Please tell me I am not the only one…)

Has your toddler been so fucking clingy and needy lately that you are ready to send them outside with nothing but a stick? (Yes. Yes and yes. Or maybe I will sell said toddler to the Gypsies. I haven’t decided yet.)

Do need some time out? (I would kill for some time out)

Well let me be your wits end sponsor!

I will bring you chocolate when you need it. (Everyone needs chocolate sometimes.)

I can run interference while you go to the toilet/shower/eat in peace. (Because damn, what I wouldn’t do to poo/shower/eat by myself)

I know where the good cheese can be found. (Even if I can’t eat it right now)

I will hold your hand as you cry over that thing that everyone seems to think you should be over by now. (Because god, hurting over something is SO last year. Especially when that something is huge and life changing.)

And I have a good store of wine in the bathroom. (That I can’t drink. I actually bought it to cook with)

I am skilled at the bedtime song and dance routine. (And that person who has an angelic sleeping angel (who falls asleep easily every. single. fucking. night. can just go get fucked)

I know all the methods you can use to not smack the toddler. (These are very handy if you have a toddler like mine, who just LOOKS at you and then determindly does whatever she got in trouble for again.)

I am becoming very good at NOT strangling the dog. (Things which I will happily pass on to you in your hour of need, because GOD FUCKING KNOWS, if I have to clean up one more crap, or rewash a whole basket of washing because it was pissed on, I might just need you to counsel me.)

And all these skills for the everyday low price of NOTHING! Yes, that’s right, NOTHING. Nothing to pay, nothing to spend, absolutely nothing.

I will do all this for free because I love you. Honest. Just one condition…I need you to do the same for me.

I find it hard to write lately.

Not because there is nothing to write about, but because it is hard sitting here putting words on a screen and wondering how they will be received in real life.

My Mum reads here.

So does Nan.

And it must be hard for them to read that I’m coping badly sometimes. That all this is hard for me too. Not to mention that as you leave comments Nan is reading them too.

So it is hard. I can imagine they are pulled between protecting me ‘their little girl’ and letting me deal with it exactly the same as they are. The hard way.

I find that I am walking a fine line between being honest with myself (and writing it) and not wanting them to worry about me, or how I am coping. The last thing I want Nan to feel is that she has to protect me and hold my hand. I don’t want to put that kind of stress on her, because at the end of the day, this isn’t about me and how well I am dealing with it.

It isn’t even really about how any of us are coping with it. It’s all about how we can manage to pull through this together and survive emotionally to tell the tale.

I am writing this because for the last 2 days I have been steadfastly not coping. I have been teary and exhausted and catatonic on the couch. I have been not coping at all.

And by not coping I feel that it kind of puts me at a disadvantage. I don’t want to be protected, I don’t want to have people worrying about how I am.

I will be fine. Honestly.

I want to be able to not think about it until I need to. I want to be able to place it in the ‘do not open’ section of my brain and leave it alone until the 28th. I want to be able to be superwoman and turn off all my emotions for a bit.

It doesn’t work like that though, so I vent to my blog. And don’t doubt it, this is venting. I don’t have a close girlfriend I can ring and cry to. Most days I don’t even get to leave my damn house! So I blog and vent and cry and leave myself wide open to the interpretation of the internet.

Aside from Nan, there is other stuff going on at the moment. It all makes for a great deal of stress and a good deal of unbloggable material.

And dammit, I am pregnant too! It took me 16 fucking months to get myself knocked up and I am so so scared that I will be thrown back into the TTC pool without a live baby on my hands. I don’t talk about it much, but somehow, when getting pregnant has been so hard, you realise just how fragile it all is and you worry just a little bit more about things.

I hit 13 weeks tomorrow so I know that my chances of a miscarriage have dropped alot, but I still worry; probably more than I should.

Repeats after me, everything will be fine in the end. everything will be fine in the end. everythingwillbefineinthend.everythingwillbefine…

I am an articulate person. You could almost say that I was wordy or that I talk too much.

Lately though, I find myself having a very hard time articulating how I am feeling. I spend alot of time just wishing Nathan would think to ask how I was doing, but then when he does ask, I say ‘I’m okay’ and leave it at that.

Seriously how is he meant to know that digging deeper might turn up other stuff? I am always fine and good and okay for everyone because that is the POLITE thing to be.

In reality I am not fine all the time. Sometimes I am not okay. I don’t cope all the time; I’m not sleeping well and I keep having bad dreams.

Not okay at all.

But, the flip side is that I don’t think I am not not okay. I think I am doing alright, on a day to day basis. I am refusing to think about anything that might happen after the PET scan results are back (still no word on the dates).

I just, don’t want to think about it right now. And doubtless when I have to think about it, I will spend all my time being matter of fact and simply dealing with the results.

That’s how I cope.

[We will pointedly ignore the fact that I spend a week coping and then a day where I fall to pieces badly. I figure as long as I can keep this up and time my falling to pieces to times when I have leisure to deal with it, then I will be okay]

It’s hard though. It’s hard not to think of afterwards and the fallout. Hard not to plan Christmas when we don’t know how things will be.

I have written and unwritten this post in various forms in the last fortnight. I think that outwardly I am coping so well, I don’t want my family to know that at times, I am finding this shit hard.

I don’t want hugs and sympathy from them. I don’t want to have to think about it, or be held, or have to deal with people wondering how I am coping.

I will cope until I can’t. Then I will cry until I can.

And then I will cope again.

That’s how it works.

But don’t doubt me, this shit is hard.

It’s Nathan’s birthday today, he turned 26. We had a small spread for dinner (dip, baguettes, cake) and we will be having his family come up Saturday to celebrate properly with yummy food and company.

Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you.

*******

Amy’s dummy weaning is going fantastically of a day (she never did have a dummy much of a daytime anyway), sort of okay at bedtime (screaming, crying, wailing, lots of anger) and fucking shithouse over night (3am inconsolable. World is ending for hours on end).

Tomorrow will be better.

*******

I have been feeling faint and dizzy and just generally unwell. I still have morning sickness, but it seems unrelated to that. I haven’t been able to eat anything other than salad lately so I don ‘t think I have been getting enough iron. Anyone know anything about anaemia in pregnancy? I will be asking my doctor about it sometime this week, as well as getting him to run blood tests.

Needless to say it makes standing up for more than 2 minutes at a time very unpleasant.

*******

And the big news. The thing I haven’t been able to blog about yet.

My Nan was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last week, despite never smoking a cigarette in her life. We are still going through the testing phase to find out what type of cancer it is.

She has a biopsy done on Friday and then we will get the results of that biopsy on Wednesday 9th July. Hopefully from there we will know what we are dealing with exactly and what kind of treatment is available.

From what the CT scan seemed to show, she has a primary tumour 2.5cmx3cm in her left lung and then lots of small ‘nodules’ of cancer spread through both lungs. However, the specialist did say that CT scans aren’t the best thing for showing everything possible.

It kind of feels like we have been kicked in the teeth.

So, if I miss a few days posting, or don’t comment on you for a while, this is why. I only have so much energy and some days I need it all to keep myself together and functioning.

I’m trying to keep it together and so is Mum. Head over and see her too okay?