Headfuck

I find it hard to write lately.

Not because there is nothing to write about, but because it is hard sitting here putting words on a screen and wondering how they will be received in real life.

My Mum reads here.

So does Nan.

And it must be hard for them to read that I’m coping badly sometimes. That all this is hard for me too. Not to mention that as you leave comments Nan is reading them too.

So it is hard. I can imagine they are pulled between protecting me ‘their little girl’ and letting me deal with it exactly the same as they are. The hard way.

I find that I am walking a fine line between being honest with myself (and writing it) and not wanting them to worry about me, or how I am coping. The last thing I want Nan to feel is that she has to protect me and hold my hand. I don’t want to put that kind of stress on her, because at the end of the day, this isn’t about me and how well I am dealing with it.

It isn’t even really about how any of us are coping with it. It’s all about how we can manage to pull through this together and survive emotionally to tell the tale.

I am writing this because for the last 2 days I have been steadfastly not coping. I have been teary and exhausted and catatonic on the couch. I have been not coping at all.

And by not coping I feel that it kind of puts me at a disadvantage. I don’t want to be protected, I don’t want to have people worrying about how I am.

I will be fine. Honestly.

I want to be able to not think about it until I need to. I want to be able to place it in the ‘do not open’ section of my brain and leave it alone until the 28th. I want to be able to be superwoman and turn off all my emotions for a bit.

It doesn’t work like that though, so I vent to my blog. And don’t doubt it, this is venting. I don’t have a close girlfriend I can ring and cry to. Most days I don’t even get to leave my damn house! So I blog and vent and cry and leave myself wide open to the interpretation of the internet.

Aside from Nan, there is other stuff going on at the moment. It all makes for a great deal of stress and a good deal of unbloggable material.

And dammit, I am pregnant too! It took me 16 fucking months to get myself knocked up and I am so so scared that I will be thrown back into the TTC pool without a live baby on my hands. I don’t talk about it much, but somehow, when getting pregnant has been so hard, you realise just how fragile it all is and you worry just a little bit more about things.

I hit 13 weeks tomorrow so I know that my chances of a miscarriage have dropped alot, but I still worry; probably more than I should.

Repeats after me, everything will be fine in the end. everything will be fine in the end. everythingwillbefineinthend.everythingwillbefine…

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I am an articulate person. You could almost say that I was wordy or that I talk too much.

Lately though, I find myself having a very hard time articulating how I am feeling. I spend alot of time just wishing Nathan would think to ask how I was doing, but then when he does ask, I say ‘I’m okay’ and leave it at that.

Seriously how is he meant to know that digging deeper might turn up other stuff? I am always fine and good and okay for everyone because that is the POLITE thing to be.

In reality I am not fine all the time. Sometimes I am not okay. I don’t cope all the time; I’m not sleeping well and I keep having bad dreams.

Not okay at all.

But, the flip side is that I don’t think I am not not okay. I think I am doing alright, on a day to day basis. I am refusing to think about anything that might happen after the PET scan results are back (still no word on the dates).

I just, don’t want to think about it right now. And doubtless when I have to think about it, I will spend all my time being matter of fact and simply dealing with the results.

That’s how I cope.

[We will pointedly ignore the fact that I spend a week coping and then a day where I fall to pieces badly. I figure as long as I can keep this up and time my falling to pieces to times when I have leisure to deal with it, then I will be okay]

It’s hard though. It’s hard not to think of afterwards and the fallout. Hard not to plan Christmas when we don’t know how things will be.

I have written and unwritten this post in various forms in the last fortnight. I think that outwardly I am coping so well, I don’t want my family to know that at times, I am finding this shit hard.

I don’t want hugs and sympathy from them. I don’t want to have to think about it, or be held, or have to deal with people wondering how I am coping.

I will cope until I can’t. Then I will cry until I can.

And then I will cope again.

That’s how it works.

But don’t doubt me, this shit is hard.

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It’s Nathan’s birthday today, he turned 26. We had a small spread for dinner (dip, baguettes, cake) and we will be having his family come up Saturday to celebrate properly with yummy food and company.

Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you.

*******

Amy’s dummy weaning is going fantastically of a day (she never did have a dummy much of a daytime anyway), sort of okay at bedtime (screaming, crying, wailing, lots of anger) and fucking shithouse over night (3am inconsolable. World is ending for hours on end).

Tomorrow will be better.

*******

I have been feeling faint and dizzy and just generally unwell. I still have morning sickness, but it seems unrelated to that. I haven’t been able to eat anything other than salad lately so I don ‘t think I have been getting enough iron. Anyone know anything about anaemia in pregnancy? I will be asking my doctor about it sometime this week, as well as getting him to run blood tests.

Needless to say it makes standing up for more than 2 minutes at a time very unpleasant.

*******

And the big news. The thing I haven’t been able to blog about yet.

My Nan was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last week, despite never smoking a cigarette in her life. We are still going through the testing phase to find out what type of cancer it is.

She has a biopsy done on Friday and then we will get the results of that biopsy on Wednesday 9th July. Hopefully from there we will know what we are dealing with exactly and what kind of treatment is available.

From what the CT scan seemed to show, she has a primary tumour 2.5cmx3cm in her left lung and then lots of small ‘nodules’ of cancer spread through both lungs. However, the specialist did say that CT scans aren’t the best thing for showing everything possible.

It kind of feels like we have been kicked in the teeth.

So, if I miss a few days posting, or don’t comment on you for a while, this is why. I only have so much energy and some days I need it all to keep myself together and functioning.

I’m trying to keep it together and so is Mum. Head over and see her too okay?

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I was never a girly girl. Sure I had female friends, but looking back I think we may have spent more time bitching and fighting than we ever did being friends.

I got along well with the guys. Guys are easy, they talk; they don’t talk and if they don’t talk you aren’t left stressing about WHY they aren’t talking. They rarely do the bitchy, snippy, talk behind your back and get everyone to all dislike you together thing that girls do (I say rarely, because in highschool there was one boy who would).

To be honest, I thought girls sucked. They were moody and pissy and they used to backstab and who really needs that kind of crap in your life?

This is now where all my problems lie. I can relate to blokes, I can talk to them, hell I live with one (and have lived with two who weren’t related to me previously) and we haven’t killed each other yet.

I have alot of trouble relating to women. I don’t ‘get’ it anymore and I have trouble making conversation, I can’t relate to Sex in the City, I have never had a manicure, a pedicure, a facial (although I have given one once. to a boy) or a girls night out.

I have never enjoyed shoe shopping, (love the idea of sexy shoes, the reality of finding and trying on shoes makes my head explode) I want to find clothes that fit and then leave the shop as soon as possible and I haven’t bought makeup in years (although I do need to order a new foundation).

So you see, add this all up and the idea of joining a playgroup and being social with other women has me quaking in my boots. What do I say to them? How do I relate to them? Sure we all have kids and that is a good starting point, but what then?

Blogging has been the first time I really managed to connect and relate to women and honestly, I have met some awesome women here in the blogosphere. Unfortunately all the blogging in the world does not help me overcome my fear of women.

They talk! About stuff!

I’m not really a shy person, it’s more that I get nervous and being nervous makes me loud and talkative. AND THEN, after I have been nervous and loud and talked too much, I get home and think ‘CRAP! I was nervous and loud and I talked too much and I behaved like an ass and no one will want to speak to me next week.’

So then, I go along again and I don’t talk much at all. And then people think I’m snobby because I didn’t talk much and I end up going home thinking ‘Fuck it, I should have talked more, because really, anything other than monosyllables would have been okay’.

And I can’t win.

I had a mothers group and it was awesome. The ladies in it were lovely and so were the kids, but it is just too far away for me to be able to go along anymore. And even though the ladies were so lovely, I still came home feeling like I was an ass for talking too much, too loudly, or an ass for not saying much at all, but I miss going along. I miss getting to see Amy play with other children her own age.

I can’t help but think that I am probably being selfish, letting my own issues get in the way of Amy meeting and playing with children, but I just can’t seem to get over this one.

How do you do it? How do women get along with each other?

Obviously I missed the class titled ‘Women and Friendships: A Guide’ because I am utterly fucking clueless.

And it sucks.

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