Headfuck

My blog turned five and I can’t bring myself to care

by Veronica on September 1, 2012

in Evelyn, Headfuck

My blog turned five last week. Five years I’ve been writing here, with all that that entails. I’ve seen the rise of the Mummyblogger happen, and the rise of branded messages too. Things have changed an awful lot since I started and that’s neither good or bad. It’s just change.

It’s different now, this blogging space – MY blogging space is different. The thing about my blog turning five is that I actually care less about traffic now. Growth? That’s something my children are doing – my blog doesn’t have to grow a certain amount per month to keep me happy. Sure, I’d love my blog to be successful and highly trafficked, but it just seems like so much WORK, you know?

Evelyn is sick you guys, and that also changes my perspective. Any time I’m spending on the Internet is time that I’m trying to distract myself. Or time that I’m Googling seizures in newborns. (Don’t Google seizures in newborns if your baby is having seizures.)

Far be it for me to tell anyone what they can and can’t do with their own blog, but I am missing the stories. I am missing strongly held opinions, which seem to have been lost in the wishy washy of trying to keep everyone happy and not upset potential sponsers.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. I want the Internet to distract me and frankly, the things that used to work no longer do. Twitter seems to be a mess of brand messages and self promotion, with no room for conversation and the sycophants rule.

My baby is having seizures and the Internet just seems ridiculous right now. How much of this space matters? Is being famous on the Internet even worth it? Why are we letting other people dictate how we ought to use our own spaces?

My blog turned five and I didn’t even notice, because I was too busy actually living my life.

I find myself caring less and less about what everyone else thinks, and just wanting to tell my stories.

When I read back through this blog, in ten years, am I going to get nolstalgic for the giveaways? Or for the stories I tell about my children?

Evelyn was born and I blogged her stay in NICU, knowing that it would bore people, because I needed to remember it. Now she’s having seizures and I am blogging those, so that I have something to remind me in 10 years (when things will be so very different) of just how terrifying it is to hold my newborn daughter while she twitches and seizes.

It’s funny how things change.

 

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Dear Universe: It’s getting a bit ridiculous now.

by Veronica on August 30, 2012

in Amy, Evelyn, Headfuck

So, Internet. Everything has kind of gone to hell around here in the last few days.

Amy has had conjunctivitis and has been home from school for a week. This morning, Nathan and I discovered that she couldn’t hear 3/4 of anything we said. Luckily, we had a doctors appointment booked already, because it turns out she has what is commonly known as glue ear and has gone quite deaf. This explains why I’ve spent the last few days demanding to know why the TV is turned up so far.

Both of her eyes are bright red still, despite drops, so we walked out of the GP with stronger antibiotics to help clear up her sinuses, which will hopefully let everything fix itself.

Also a good thing that we had a doctors appointment today: Yesterday, I realised that Evelyn was having what I thought might be seizures.

Worse than that, she was having what looked to be lots of seizures, not just one out-of-the-blue convulsion.

I managed to catch some on video, dutifully showed the doctor, wondering if he was going to tell us we were being ridiculous, only to have him look quite concerned. This, I might add, is our incredibly laid back GP, who never seems concerned about anything.

He agreed that they certainly looked like seizures and is currently organising for us to see the hospital clinics, as soon as we can for follow-up. Probably early next week.

Her jaundice still hasn’t cleared up, which could be causing them – which wouldn’t be so terrible. Except then you wonder why her jaundice isn’t clearing up, when she’s feeding and gaining weight so well.

Around in a loop my brain goes.

They’re not terrible seizures, involving mostly eye flicking, rolling and blankness. They last anywhere between 15 seconds and a few minutes and she’s unresponsive while they occur.

She’s only 33 days old.

It hardly seems like we could have broken her in a mere month!

This is why new babies need warranties IMO.

 

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I am a storyteller.

by Veronica on August 27, 2012

in Headfuck

At least I have the decency to call my lies fiction.

A warning:

I own my stories, and I own the right to tell them.

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Feeling a tad bit hormonal. Also: Photos.

by Veronica on August 8, 2012

in Evelyn, Grief, Headfuck

Internet, I am feeling sooky. It’s probably a side effect of scoring a few days at home without blood tests or waiting for phone calls, but I’m feeling sooky and my hormones are obviously having a giant party without me.

It was triggered by a package in the mail from Marita at Stuff with Thing, that not only contained fleecy warm suits in 4×0 size for Evelyn, but the best gift for my older children as well. As I speak Amy is happily colouring in and Isaac is bothering her. This is on top of a package from Kelli and the breastpump and some gorgeous clothes from Kate.

I am so grateful for all of you that read here, the people I am proud to call friends, as well as the regular readers, commenters and lurkers. I have devoured every single comment in the last 12 days, with every well wish leaving a warm spot. It’s been fantastic to know that I have this level of support and hand holding when I need it.

The juxtaposition is, of course, my side of the family IRL, in which Evelyn’s birth seems to have flown pretty much under the radar. Not that I expected balloons and flowers, but a phone call would have been nice. An email even. A “like” on facebook. Any of these things would have worked, especially as I had to say no visitors in the hospital because of the whole NICU admission.

Of course, I don’t expect that the birth of my baby is something universally celebrated and making news with all of my family members everywhere.

It’s very possible I am just missing my grandmother a lot today and that my grief is manifesting as frustration with the rest of my family who are not dead.

In good news, the Clinic Health Nurse weighed Evelyn again this morning and she has gained back the weight she lost after birth, plus extra. Almost 80g overnight, taking her to a grand total weight of 2.44kg.

I TOLD YOU she was feeding well.

She’s a litttttle jaundiced, no? In the same way an oompa loompa is a little orange. We suspect a spray tan addiction.

She looks slightly less orange in natural light. Yay for natural light.

 

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Looks like we’re heading back to hospital

by Veronica on August 6, 2012

in Evelyn, Headfuck

Evelyn had another blood test this morning – what we were hoping would be her last one. However, despite everything, her bilirubin levels have relapsed again and we need to have her bloods drawn again tomorrow morning.

“Come prepared to stay” was the verdict. I expect if the family unit had of been free tonight, I’d be typing this from the hospital. I don’t even know what to say about this. The last 10 days have been such a rollercoaster and I thought that we’d managed to step off the ride for a bit. I was wrong.

I’m a bit shattered. And stressed. And probably bitter too.

Also, note to anyone else out there with a newborn baby suffering jaundice, don’t google “jaundice in newborn not going away”. Trust me, you don’t want to read it.

This news came on top of a visit to my great-grandmother, who isn’t terribly well at the moment. She nearly passed out opening the door to us and thought that Isaac was Amy for the entire visit, even when we explained that Amy was at school and this was our son, Isaac.

My great grandmother hasn’t really recovered from the death of her husband and then the death of her daughter (my much grieved grandmother). It’s hard to see her like this and I’m glad she got to meet and hold Evelyn today. Evelyn is named for her, Nan being Kathleen.

It’s been a long day Internet and I don’t even know what to say. Evelyn’s jaundice isn’t getting any better and everything just feels crappy. Having to head back to hospital after two and a half days at home feels like I’m being sent to the naughty corner.

In the meantime, there was this. Excuse the pajamas and unbrushed hair.

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