I had to walk up the road (200m) this morning to discuss an incident in which a neighbour’s dog killed a bunch of my baby chickens. By the time I got back, I was exhausted. It’s not a strenuous walk – the road is flat and easy. But my foot fell apart as I limped home, unable to quite work out which bone was out of place.
Yesterday I had one ulcer hiding in the bottom of my cheek. This morning, both sides of my mouth are ulcerated. My skin is breaking out, my brain is foggy and I am Tired and Run Down.
The school holidays were wonderful, but I’m wrung out. I need a week of laying on the couch reading books, drinking chicken soup and doing nothing.
My joints are flared, my shoulders keep falling out of place and I am feeling like my blood pressure can’t work out how low it wants to fall.
Look, this happens every few months. It’s actually been a while since I felt this terrible, and it’s nice to have had a break in the middle from the see saw that is my health.
But today I feel crappy, and exhausted. I have things I need to do, I have things I want to do. I have children to feed and watch and play with, but uuuuugh.
Sleep.
School is back, which is a bonus. Isaac began Kindergarten last week, and his first day went amazingly well.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to this week, with 2/3 of my children at school, and Evelyn still napping regularly.
Hopefully, I can rest, recharge, and stop feeling like I’m being pressed into the ground by the sheer weight of the exhaustion I have.
I was looking through my photo albums the other day, and pointed out a photo to Nathan. He nodded, acknowledging that he’d seen it, and pretty much ignored me.
“Honey, which kid is that?” I asked.
“Evelyn, right?”
“Nope. Isaac.”
He came back over and had a closer look at the photo, which is what I expected. I make Nathan look at so many photos of his children – children that he sees every day – that I can forgive him for acknowledging and then ignoring me.
“Wow.” He said.
Internet, there can be no doubt that our children look very much alike.
I wonder, in twenty years, will I be looking at the baby photos and having to hunt down their dates to work out which child is which?
And, for regular readers, can you guess who is who?
We saw the neurologist for Evelyn last week. The official line is wait and see. We don’t know anything and we won’t know anything until she starts to display differing symptoms as she gets older. It’s hard, this wait and see. Wait and see if she improves, or goes downhill. Wait. See. Horrible. I have a phone appointment with our Paediatrician tomorrow to get the results from her last lot of blood tests and that’s it until after Christmas.
Encouraging things though are this:
This is Evelyn holding her head up briefly the other day. It didn’t last long and she hasn’t been able to repeat it (I say she’s storing up energy for next time) but she did it and I am so very proud of her.
Yesterday she giggled for the first time. I nearly cried.
Everything else continues along steadily. She’s still having episodes regularly, she still sleeps more than any baby ought to – especially a baby who is over four months old – and her eyes still aren’t great.
But she is deliciously kissable and every little thing she manages is a huge achievement. Go Evelyn.
+++++
Isaac saw the doctors too regarding his stomach issues and we’re looking into starting the FODMAP diet with him. I expect the adjustment period to be a bit hellish, but we hope it’s going to help. Just waiting on seeing the dietician now.
+++++
I held Evelyn’s feet in my hands and kissed them until she smiled at me. I looked at them; at the silvery scars on her heels and the remnants of failed cannulas and I tucked them back under her blanket for her; safe from air and touching and harsh needles.
+++++
I’ve been reading a lot. This year has been rough and I’m ready for it to be over. I keep dreaming that my grandmother is alive and that everything is okay with Evelyn and then I wake up and nothing is right. I’m not as mentally healthy as I could be, but I suspect a lot of that will be fixed by the holidays. Until then, I’m reading and I’m writing and I’m kissing my children.
How are you?
Exhibit A: Where did my baby go?
Exhibit B: I have THREE children. How did that happen?
Exhibit C: It was a cold morning and she is FUZZYWUZZYADORABLE.
