I place him down in his cot, firmly swaddled, awake and alone. Flicking the light off, I try to leave. For a moment, silence reigns before he unwraps himself and starts to babble. I walk out anyway, hoping that he doesn’t notice my exit.
He doesn’t. At least, not yet.
I sit down, revelling in the silence.
It doesn’t last. It never does. Amy clings to my leg and Isaac starts to squeal. There is no sleep here; not yet anyway.
Isaac starts to cry as Amy dances around in circles. Nathan’s computer game starts up, much louder than it needs to be. Sometimes I wonder if he needs his ears checking, that’s how often I find myself turning things down.
For a moment though, it was quiet.
It’s almost bedtime and then, I can wrap myself in the quiet.
The noise of heavy breathing as everyone sleeps. Snuffles and sleep talking.
Nathan dislocated his thumb today while we were doing minor home improvements.
The nice side of me went ‘shit! are you okay? show me? no, it’s back in, do you want a bandage?’
The bitchy side of me went ‘see? now you know what it’s like. i do that multiple times a day. maybe you’ll be more sympathetic next time I tell you something’s popped.’
The nice side of me won. I bandaged it and made sure it was fine. Poor baby.
Amy is crying. I flick on the hallway light and open the gate into her room. Birthday balloons litter the floor, I try not to trip. Reaching the bed unscathed I lay down next to her. She burrows into my arms.
Hungry.
No you’re not. It’s bed time.
I need an apple.
You need to go to sleep.
Apple.
Sleep.
Hmmph.
She can hmmmph with the best of them. Visions of teenagers flow through my head. God help me.
Cuddle me?
Of course. Come here.
She burrows deeper.
In the lounge room I can hear Isaac and Nathan talking.
What did we do today?
Daddy buyed me a flower.
He did. What else?
He buyed me chippies. And he buyed Mummy a drink!
She didn’t notice the chocolates. That’s always a good thing. Sometimes a girl needs chocolates hidden in her underwear drawer, all for her.
What else did we do?
We play outside!
I know. We dug a new garden?
Yes. And Amy did play with Seven! YAY!
And then you ran through the mud. And had to have a shower.
And Daddy did growl.
Because you ran inside with muddy feet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What else did we do?
We went to MyNanny’s house!
That was yesterday.
Yeah. MyNanny’s house is empty.
I know. We cleaned it out.
MyNanny died.
I know. I miss MyNanny.
Me too. Say me too Mummy?
Me too.
We used to visit MyNanny.
Yes, we did. What did we do there?
We ate cake!
[giggling] We did indeed.
And read books?
Yes.
MyNanny is in St Johns.
No sweetheart. MyNanny died. We’re very sad.
My eyes start to prickle.
We play in MyNanny’s bed!
You did, didn’t you.
And we cleaned out the drawers.
Yes.
Which, was harder than it sounds.
MyNanny has gone away.
Yes sweetheart. She has.
Kisses?
I kiss her and she snuggles into her blankets. In the lounge room I can hear Isaac start to cry.
I need to go now sweetheart, Isaac needs putting to sleep.
No!
Yes. He needs boobies.
No! You stay here with me.
Sweetheart, Isaac needs me too.
No, he needs Daddy. You stay here.
Nope. I’ve got to go. Here, come and kiss me.
She kisses me, albeit reluctantly.
Goodnight Amy.
Goodnight Mummy.
I love you.
I luff you too.
I climb out of bed and leave, flicking off the hallway light as I go. Behind me, Amy starts to sob quietly. She managed to sneak a mouthful of pie earlier and the gluten in the pastry has sent her spinning. I know she’ll be okay in a few minutes, although I worry about how she’ll be overnight.
It’s been almost 12 weeks since Nan died. The grieving hits me harder now, even though it feels less socially acceptable. I keep myself tightly contained in order to keep my shit together. But don’t doubt it, this sucks still.
Suddenly things are moving very fast. A real estate listing, an open home and whoosh, things are out of my grasp. I save the photos the real estate took, not knowing why. I just can’t bear to delete them.
Things keep moving forwards. I don’t get a say in that.
I’ll keep dealing with it as best I can. With silent tears and chocolates eaten in an empty bedroom.
