Life

I was 14. I was sitting in a toilet, at school waiting for a pee stick to show one line or two. I sat there, waiting, watching the second hand on my watch click. Tick. tick. tick.

I waited the allotted 3 mintues, peering at the stick intently. Turning it on an angle, just to check.

At the end of the 3 minutes, the pee stick was negative. I could breathe again. The next day, my period started.

Now, at the time I was in a steady relationship and I was on the pill. We were however, busily involved in exploring the differences between girls and boys and because I have a latex allergy, well, you know how things go.

While I was with him, I spent an awful lot of money on pregnancy tests. Luckily, my pill worked beautifully and I didn’t get pregnant. Not to him.

I think the nerves I felt when I was waiting for that first pregnancy test to show a result, were the exact same nerves have felt waiting for every single pregnancy test to show a result.

Counting the clock seconds, watching the stick and angling it, just in case I wasn’t looking at it properly. Perfecting my pee stick squint, years before I needed to have it perfected.

I remember peeing on the stick that told me I was pregnant with Amy. I was 17 and it was Christmas eve. I held the stick in my hands, leaned up against the wall and slowly slid down, until I was sitting on the bathroom floor. I sat there with my future clutched in my hands, while Nathan waited in the loungeroom watching TV.

I watched it turn darkly positive before even a minute had passed. I looked at it and then rushed to show Nathan. We hugged, kissed and then I promptly rang a friend.

I might have been only 17, but we knew how we wanted our life to be and having children young tied in with our plans.

After the positive test thrill with Amy, I went many months without the need for a pregnancy test. Until we started thinking that having the children close together would be a good idea.

I got negative after negative after negative. All with that same feeling of nerves and fear/excitement in the pit of mt stomach.

So, after we had been trying with concerted effort for months, I swore I wasn’t going to buy anymore pregnancy tests. I had one test that sat in the bathroom cupboard for months, unused. I just couldn’t handle the thought of seeing another negative again.

So, it took a lot of courage for me to be able to take a pregnancy test this time. I took it and waited. My second line didn’t show up for a few minutes and when it did, it was faint. I spent the entire day, picking up the test and looking at it. I still do.

It just feels so surreal, a positive result finally, after so many negatives.

A good surreal, but surreal all the same.

I have an appointment for an ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon, hopefully I will be back with half decent scan photos to share with you.

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Amy – eating something she shouldn’t be (a battery to be precise).

Me – ‘Spit! Spit it out, Spit!’

Amy – spits

Me – ‘Thankyou. You’re being very naughty right now, you know that?’

Amy – ‘No I not!’

—

Better content to follow later this evening when I have had time to actually craft something.

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Amy today with my hand in hers

Roundey roundey darden
[mumble mumble] teddy bear!
One tep, two tep,
Tickle tickle tickle!

[Translation:

Round and round the graden,
Like a teddy bear,
One step, two step,
Tickle under there! ]

***

Amy: ‘Mumeeeee!’

Me: ‘What?’

Amy: ‘I tucked!’

Me: ‘Are you stuck?’

Amy: ‘STUCK!’

Me: ‘Okay, I’m coming.’

[She was standing on top of the dryer. Again]

Amy: ‘Mumeeee! Yay! Jump!’

Me: ??? *catches leaping daughter*

Amy: ‘Yay! Tiss?’

Me: ‘Kiss.’

Amy: ‘Okay, go down now.’

***

[Last night at 1am]

Amy: ARGHHHHH WAIL OWWW CRY SCREAM

Me: Stumbling to her bedroom. ‘Come here, have a cuddle, do you need a drink?’

Amy: WAIL SCREAM CRY

Me: ‘Here, have a cuddle and then lay down.’

Amy: WAIL SCREAM CRY ARGHHHHHHH

Amy: ‘Do ‘way! Noweeeee, OUT OUT OUT DET [get] OUT’

Me: Sigh. ‘Lay back down then.’

Amy: Screams. ‘No touchy me! Owwwww hurts! NO YOU DET OUT’

Me: ??? Spends the nect 10 mins patting her back while she screams at me to ‘do ‘way no touch ME’, but screams worse when I leave.

Amy: Sigh, snuffle ahhhhhhh. Falls asleep.

[Repeat every half hour until 4.30am when I gave Nurofen]

Sigh, damn teeth.

***

‘Mumeeeee, I poooed!’

(I hear the sounds of Amy removing her nappy, sadly I am not fast enough to get to her before her nappy falls off)

‘Ewwwwwww! Pooooooooey!’

I grab the nappy and discover…. a slightly wet nappy with one pea in it. Obviously she dropped a pea down her pants during dinner and thought she had pooped. Not sure whether to be proud, or scared that her first instinct is to remove a poopy nappy herself. She still refuses to sit on her potty though, claiming it ‘hurssss legs!’. Will be buying a new potty sooner rather than later.

***

So, lots of talking lately and lots of development. She counts to 5 alone and further if I am helping. She finds nursery rhymes [aside from Round the Garden] boring and would prefer to dance to whatever music is on shuffle. She sings to Nirvana and Metallica and can head bang as well, although I have no idea who she learnt that from.

I am 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow and still haven’t been able to get an appointment at the doctors to schedule another ultrasound. Not because the doctor is busy, but because everytime I ring I get an answering machine and then I forget to ring back. Sigh.

The pregnant exhaustion has set in and I find myself feeling like a train wreck most of the time. I am napping when Amy naps and staying in bed later of a morning (thankyou Nathan) but I still feel fucked. And I am still spending alot of time retching.

Ah well, it will pass.

Right?

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[Please note, all Amy’s yes and no answers were punctuated by wild shaking and nodding of her head]

Me – ‘What would you like for tea?’

Amy – ‘Tea?’

Me – ‘Yes, tea.’

Amy – ‘Tea? Hot! Please?’

Me – ‘No, we aren’t having a hot drink. Would you like noodles?’

Amy – ‘Noodles!’

Me – ‘Yes?’

Amy – ‘Yes!’

Me – ‘Okay’

Amy – ‘No!’ Shakes head.

Me – ‘No?’

Amy – ‘Yes!’

Me – ‘Yes?’

Amy – ‘No!’

Sigh.

Me – ‘Would you like noodles? Or a sandwich.’

Amy – ‘Sammich! Yaaaaay!’

Me – ‘So you want a sandwich then?’

Amy – ‘Sammich!’

Me – ‘Okay, Mummy will make you a sandwich.’

Amy – ‘No!’

Me – ‘No?’

Amy – ‘Yes!’

Me – ‘Amy, would you like noodles? Or a sandwich?’

Amy – ‘No.’

Sigh.

Me – ‘Mummy will make you noodles then, okay?’

Amy – ‘Look! Puppy! Tat! Catch dem! Nooooo, bad tat, bad Sedey (Seven), OUT!’

Amy – ‘Mumeeeee, doe ‘way! Nooooow.’

Sigh.

And that is where I gave up and made her 2 minute noodles for tea. She ate them all and completely forgot that sandwiches were also on offer. Tell me, why do I bother giving her choices yet?

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