Life

1) Food that is on Mummy’s plate is twice as tasty as food that is on my plate. Even if it is the same food. Also, food tastes much better if eaten while sitting on Mummy’s lap. Preferably so that Mummy can’t eat too. Unless I share.

2) Anything that is stacked or folded, needs unstacking and unfolding RIGHT NOW. All cupboards and drawers need emptying and then sitting in.

3) The dog food is mine. So is the cat food. And that blowfly. And LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY! I’m gonna eat it now. And no, I am not spitting it out. Unless you let me spit it down your top. Or on your crotch. In public.

4) Nappyless poops shall be done on the floor, not in the potty. Don’t you know? THE POTTY IS EVIL AND WANTS TO EAT MY BUM. Don’t worry Mummy, I will clean it up. Then I will hand you the warm poop, right into your hand. No! Don’t worry Mummy, my hands are clean, look, I used a wipe to pick the poop up with. See? See?

5) The toys in the toy basket are much more fun than the toys I already pulled out onto the floor. Once the toy box is empty then I need Mummy to clean it back up for me with me.

6) I am allowed to bite the dog. The dog is not allowed to bite me back.

7) All hurts must be kissed better every time I realise that it is there. This must be repeated until I can’t see the hurts anymore. Even if I can remember having a hurts there, then it must be kissed better.

8 ) If you want a kiss, I will kiss you. Then you must be prepared to let me nom on your nose (complete with nomming noises) until I am done. Otherwise? No kisses.

9) The sugar bowl needs to be left near the edge of the bench so that I can eat sugar at my leisure. YOU WILL NOT MOVE THE SUGAR BOWL.

10) All books are mine. Your books are mine. My books are mine. You will not take them off me while I am reading them. I DON’T CARE THAT THEY ARE UPSIDE DOWN. I am reading them. Yes, all of them.

11) All shoes are mine. I need them so we can go outside. Do not tell me that I need to take your shoes off and put mine on. I am happy. YOU wear my shoes and then we will go outside.

12) Daddy’s socks are my leg warmers. Daddy shall not wear any socks if my legs are cold and need them.

13) All hot drinks are made specifically for me. What do you mean I can’t share your coffee? WHAT KIND OF CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PERSON ARE YOU?!!!

All personnel must adhere to and abide by my rules at all times. Failure to do so will result in withholding of kisses and hugs, I will also be favouring the other parent until such times as my rules are obeyed.

Thankyou.

Amy.

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Dear Chocolate,

I have come to the conclusion that you are just a cheap substitute for what I crave. I don’t really crave your velvety softness, or your warmth, or your addictive properties.

I don’t care that you call to me at bedtime, after my daughter has gone to sleep. No longer do I want to taste you during the bad days. I don’t want to use you as an excuse anymore.

So chocolate, I know I will regret this terribly, but I am breaking up with you.

At the end of the day, you just don’t satisfy me like you used to. I find myself needing more and more of you to get the same feeling. At the end of the day, you provide me with a slippery slope to slide down at 2am, and while the journey feels good, the landing is never any fun.

I don’t want to need you anymore. You are constantly there, begging for attention.

I think in reality I am a savoury girl, but chocolate, you have ruined me.

At the end of the day, I would pick smoked salmon over you, brie over you and sushi over you. Harsh words I know, but very true.

I write this tonight, because I know there is no way you can sink your teeth into my addiction tonight. I am craving you badly, but I have no choice but to remain strong.

One day maybe we can have a relationship based on moderation, but not right now.

Please, I beg you, can we still be friends?

Love Veronica.

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I am craving chocolate badly tonight, but there is none in the house. I tried eating cookies and cream ice cream but it was an exercise in futility, leaving me feeling more empty than before.

I desparately want sushi and brie cheese and smoked salmon, all things completely unavailable to me out here in the middle of grasslands and the day before payday.

I think it is stress.

While I said that we didn’t try this month, despite knowing when I was ovulating, I find that I didn’t really know when I was ovulating. I was relying on egg white cervical mucus to let me and then suddenly I had EWCM that lasted for 10 days. Very annoying. Makes me doubt my own body. So, we tried. And then tried. And then there was spotting exactly a week after we had sex. Exactly.

And so, my period is due on Friday if I have the same length cycle as last month. And I am waiting. I hate waiting.

So while I wait, I crave food that I can’t get. Scallops and smoked salmon and sushi and brie. All things that I have as treats when we can afford them. All things that we currently don’t have in the house. (All things that Amy would happily live on and makes me share, Hmmmmph)

Heh.

Poor Nathan is feeling the brunt of the stress as I alternately try to kill him (saucepans are good), tell him to get fucked or cry over nothing. Poor Nat. How does he put up with me?

I know I am reading too much into things, but this is just a brain dump. Get it out of my head, out of my system and then I can wait patiently.

Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

All about the Zen, baby.

Now, ‘scuse me while I go and make a sandwich.

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I wrote this last night.

1- Survive Mothers Day, even though Toddler has had no nap. Survive dinner time even though Toddler has had no nap and partner is being too slow dishing up dinner to satify me and the screaming toddler.

2- Get dinner eaten (I balaced the Toddler and my plate in my lap together. Clever much?) and cleaned up. Get NO NAP Toddler into her PJ’s and a clean nappy. Hugs and Kisses all round and then….

3- 6.45pm hits and it’s BEDTIME!

4- Listen to the Toddlers sigh of relief when you tuck her in. Kiss and then leave the room. Check back in in 5 mins and discover the Toddler fast asleep. Revel in the silence and get a few things done.

~~Take a 1.5 hour break from Toddler wrangling~~

5- Decide to lay in bed and blog/watch TV mere moments before the Toddler wakes up screaming. Realise that it isn’t really the sound of your spare time running away, instead it is your brains running out of your ears.

6- Cajol, hug, cuddle, snuggle massage, rub, kiss and snuggle the Toddler in an attempt to curb the screaming. Give up and administer Nurofen. Swap turns with your partner, until screaming stops.

7- 20 minutes later the screaming has subsided into small snuffles and the Toddler has stopped crying that it ‘hursss’.

8- Snuggle sleepy Toddler and leave the room.

9- Hear the Toddler playing. Hope that she is still in bed. Have all your hopes dashed when a little head pops up over the gate and says ‘Ah Hi Mumeeee’.

10- Sigh. Audibly.

11- Pick the Toddler up and rub her back. Realise as you are rubbing that your toddler feels very snuggly. Like, skin to skin snuggly. Discover NO NAPPY on Toddlers bum.

12- Find the still clean nappy and place it back on the toddler. Console yourself that nappy removal was a complete fluke.

13- Discover that nappy removal was no fluke. Repeat steps 8 through to 12 four times.

14- Remember reading something on the internet about backwards nappies. Replace the nappy back on the toddler BACKWARDS.

15- Celebrate the lack of nappy removal. Seriously, if it was your blog that I read about backwards nappies on, let me know and I will edit this post to give you complete credit. I salute you, whoever you are.

16- Snuggle toddler into bed, only to have her sit up and tell you ‘I hungeeee’.

17- Sigh. Audibly.

18- Wish that you were still breastfeeding for the eleventy hundredth time today.

19- Heat up some left over mashed potato from dinner. Feed to Toddler. Or, in our case, hold the bowl while Toddler feeds herself. And yes, she was still in bed.

20- Resettle Toddler with big hugs and kisses. Snuggle and leave the room. Listen to her sing herself to sleep before everything goes silent.

21- Blog about it.

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Dear Mummy,

I know I am a little late with this letter, but it has taken me this long to assure you that I am asleep, so I haven’t been able to get near the computer. I would appreciate it if you don’t look in on me right now though, okay?

I know you said something about it being Mothers Day today, so I have gone out of my way to be nice. I slept in until 9am this morning, just for you!

I wasn’t sure if Daddy was willing to let you stay in bed (he was) so I just figured that if I stayed in bed my very own self, it would just be easier on both of you.

It took me a few hours to grasp it, but once I realised that you wanted kisses, I took every opportunity to kiss you silly.

‘Mummee? Tiss pleas?’

MWAH!

‘Tiss now?’

MWAH!

‘I tiss’

MWAH!

I know that my kisses were sloppy, but sometimes the drool just escapes. You love me anyway, right?

I love you so much Mummy, that I didn’t want to be separated from you all day. I admire how you coped so well, even when I didn’t nap. One day you will have to show me how you cook dinner one handed. It probably helped that Daddy prepped all the vegies for you. He is a clever Daddy, I heard you say so.

Thankyou so much for teaching me how to crush garlic with the mortar and pestle. Smashing things has never been so fun and you didn’t growl at me once! I think I could become a Master Squasher. And not just of your boobs.

Which, speaking of boobs, I still miss my boobies. I am pleased that you don’t scream anymore when I thrust my freezing cold hand down your top. Sometimes I just have to make sure they are still there, you know? I wish I could still have boobies, but you have told me that there is no milk left and I believe you. Truly, I do.

Daddy thinks I am starting to swear, but I am actually saying ‘Sit!’. I’m not quite sure why it comes out as ‘shit!’ though.

Everything I do and say contains and exclaimantion mark after it.

‘I sit!’

‘I Hungeeee!’

‘Dink?!’

‘Mummeeee!’

But I know you forgive me because I am just so damn cute. Your words not mine.

So anyway, to finish up (because I am getting very very sleepy here), I just wanted to say that I love you Mummy. Especially when you are busy. Especially when you need to pee.

Love, Amy.

xxx

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