Life

Wooden building blocks have to be THE BEST toys ever. There are so many things you can do with them.

Stuck for ideas? Never fear! That’s why I am here.

1- You can stack them. (Hey, don’t you DUH me. Yes, you in the back. I heard you. Shush.) Then you can knock them over. Then you can stack them. Then you can knock tham over. FOR HOURS.

2- You can build Teddy a house. Then you can play EARTHQUAKE and knock teddys house over. (Teddy carnage cannot be shown due to the disturbing nature of the images.)

3- If you are a puppy, you can bury them. See?

4- Great for gaining an extra inch height. No, those aren’t my feet. Nathan’s feet are much prettier than mine, so he modelled for me.

5- You can spell inappropriate words. Leave messages for your partner in the kitchen. Hehe.

6- You can sit for ages while your toddler tells you what the pictures are.

‘Loooook! Doooog. Looook Mumeeee, TAT! Loooook! DOG! LOOOOOK TAT. MUMEEEEE LOOK!’

‘Yes sweetie a dog and a cat!’

7- Using a rolled newspaper, you can teach your daughter what to do when she see’s one of these. Clever girl learns fast.

Things not shown:

You can throw blocks at the dog. The dogs head goes CLONK when a block hits her. Poor puppy.

The blocks make for great booby traps at 2am when you are wandering through the house to go to the loo. A better use of blockage would be to booby trap the study where Nathan is busy playing computer. His feet are tougher than mine.

You can fill your glass of water with them. Or Mummy’s coffee. Or her bowl of soup. Really, they will bring up the level of just about any liquid substance. I like to think my daughter enjoys science. In reality, she just likes putting things in things.

You can drop them on Mummy when she is laying on the floor. Mummy’s head goes THONK when a block hits her. Then Amy runs away, shouting ‘Wun, wun, wun, JUMP!’ Yes, she does indeed know when it is smart to run.

All kinds of things blocks are good for…

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Thanks heaps to Trish from My Little Drummer Boys for posting about the Million Blogs List. If it wasn’t for her, I probably wouldn’t have heard about it for AGES.

So, thanks Trish.

What the creaters are trying to do is get One Million Blogs registered on their wiki-like site. I HIGHLY recommend heading over and getting your blog added to the list.

I’m # 1440

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I love the word schwacker. It just rolls off my tongue so nicely, schhhhhhhhwacker. Go on, say it out loud. You know you want to.

Schhhhhhwacker.

Anyway, since I have been running around like a mad women, desparately trying to schwack mice (mice=100 Veronica=0) I have begun to see the various pros and cons of schwackers.

Like this schwacker. This schwacker is actually a book. See? A David Eddings book to be precise. Nice and light, it has a good feel to it. Very nice weight and it makes a good SCHWACK sound when you hit something with it (say, your husband when he is giving you the shits). I am hoping that the sound would turn into more of a SCHWOMP when I actually manage to hit a mouse. Then I worry about mouse bits getting stuck to the cover…

However, with Nathan being so anti-clutter, I regularly find myself chasing mice without my handy David Eddings book.

In cases like those, anything will do as a schwacker.

Take my shoe for example. It wasn’t my first schwacker and it probably isn’t the schwacker of choice. It was the one I picked up when I hadn’t yet discovered the David Eddings book. It makes more of a THIMP sound when you schwack something with it.

I’m not sure anything that made a thimp sound would suitably stun a mouse to be honest.

Now, here we have the wooden woman model of schwacker. I grabbed her off the bench when the mice were partying in the dog food the other night.

She has a lovely curve to the back of her shoulders and I doubt very much that a mouse would be running away after being hit with this baby.

She also has wonderful handle like legs. Great for holding. When you hit her on something she makes a lovely THWACK sound.

Isn’t she pretty?

She cracks nuts too apparently. Between her legs. Trust my partner to have something like this. However I will forgive her all her sins if I can use her to kill mice. Heh.

I don’t imagine a flyswatter would be much good for schwacking mice, do you?

However, I suppose if that was all you had to hand and you wielded it hard enough and fast enough (oh, there are so many jokes I could make about now…) it *might* work.

I wouldn’t count on it to do much more than annoy the mouse. And annoyed mice are vicious mice, so make sure to sleep with your toes tucked tightly under the covers. Mice are great ones for revenge.

Just sayin’.

Also? I really wouldn’t recommend schwacking with a slice of bread. It *may* have the right shape and size, but a slice of bread is really not going to make a good schwacker. Well, unless you glue it to a piece of wood. Then it might work.

Maybe.

Now, personally, this would make a great schwacker, ESPECIALLY if you tied it to a broom handle. A little unwieldy, but practise makes perfect, right?

I can just imagine it, SHCWAP! SCHWAP! as the mouse tried to run away.

Perfect for those people who are scared of mice.

You could even get really bloodthirsty and stick thumbtacks to the paddle bit. Then no matter how softly you hit the mouse, he wouldn’t be getting away. Yup, I am a little bit evil. Shhhhhh.

A tennis racket would make a great schwacker, but please, don’t hit the mouse too hard. You don’t want mousey bits to ooze up through the holes. No, really, you don’t.

My advice? If you use a tennis racket, then make sure you don’t schwack the living daylights out of the mouse.

Yes, the idea is to kill the mouse, but not to mangle it! Sheesh! Ask yourself, do you really want to clean mouse guts out of the carpet, lino, tennis racket? Really?

However, of all the schwackers I have looked at today, this one must be the best.

It would be the biggest, hardiest schwacker that I have seen. I wants it. I needs it. I could kill 10 mice at a time with it.

Look, isn’t it beautiful?

IMAGINE HOW MANY MICE WOULD DIE IF I COERCED THEM TO SIT UNDERNEATH IT AND THEN DROPPED IT ON THEIR HEADS!

Many many mice.

Pity that I wouldn’t be able to lift it. Or get it through my doors. Or you know, even get close to dropping it on them.

Damn mice.

*****

I promise, unless the mice kidnap me tonight, I will have something other than mice and shcwackers to talk about tomorrow.

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So, mice have soft fur….

…And I was thinking, since I am such a bloodthirsty killer, I could totally make a mouse skin blanket out of mice that I kill with my schwacker.

But, see, mice are dirty. So I would have to wash the skins first.

My plan?

1 – Schwack a mouse. Maybe do some reflex training so that I am actually fast enough to schwack the mouse. So far my schwacker remains completely clean of mouse blood. So does my conscience.

2 – Keep the mouse comatose, but not dead. Give mouse a bath, along with shampoo to make it nice and clean.

3 – Carefully dry the comatose mouse (maybe I need some mouse chloroform to keep it asleep?) and fluff their fur appropriately.

4 – Sharpen my very good, very sharp boning knife. Sharpen it to really really really fucking sharp.

5 – Kill mouse humanely. Maybe with a hammer blow to the head. Very quick and as the mouse is asleep (see above for mouse chloroform), very humane.

6 – Cut mouse’s head off, trying (and I guess failing) to keep blood away from the fur. Make an incision along the stomach and back legs and using the knife carefully peel the skin off.

7 – Feed left over mouse bits to the cats. Hope that this will teach the cats to catch mice so that I don’t have to do it for them.

8 – Make sure the mouse skin is clean of flesh and carefully peg it out to dry (use drawing pins). Refer to handheld manual, ‘How To Dry Mouse Skins For Use As A Blanket’ (albeit a very small blanket. More of a mouse warning sign).

9 – Make sure skin stays nice and dry for the next few weeks.

10 – Repeat x150 to get enough skins to sew together.

11 – Make sure the remaining alive mice see the mouse-skin blanket at every opportunity. Taunt them with it until they fuck off forever.

Hopefully by about mouse #5, the cats will have gotten the idea and I won’t have to schwack so many of them. (The mice, not the cats) Maybe I will even recruit the cats to hand me dead, pre-washed (read: licked) mice for me to skin for them.

Oh the possibilities…

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