Category: Life

My first bit of advice? Don’t try this. I test these things so that you don’t have to.

Give Toddler something appealing to do. Maybe fingerpaint with a bowl of cereal?

Once you are sure Toddler is occupied sit down and open your laptop.

Replace Toddler in her highchair.

Sit back down and open laptop.

Get up and replace Toddler’s spoon. Give her an extra 3 or 4 spoons just in case she drops one.

Watch all the spoons fall on the floor. Resign yourself to giving Toddler a daytime bath as she eats with her hands.

Sit down and open laptop. Again.

Start to write.

Freakout as Toddler tries to bash on the keyboard with cereal covered fingers. Shut laptop and run a bath.

Sit in the bathroom and watch Toddler play in the bath. Wish that you had Wi-fi so you could blog while doing it. Wonder if that makes you addicted.

Get Toddler out of bath. Make sure you remember to SHUT THE GODDAMN BATHROOM DOOR.

Dry and dress Toddler. Remind self that as soon as you leave her nappy off she WILL poo on the floor. Elect for a nappy and pants.

Sit down to blog while Toddler plays in the pantry.

Silence.

SPLOOOOOOOOOSH. SCREEEEEEEEEEEAM.

Remember that you forgot to shut the bathroom door.

Pull Toddler out of the bath and strip her clothes off. Cuddle her. Lots.

Re-dry and re-dress Toddler. Remark on how The Pile is running out of clothes. Remind self to do washing already.

Once Toddler is occupied with her ball, sit down and open laptop. Re-read what you have written. Try to remember what you were going to write.

Get into the groove of writing. Get some good stuff down. Freakout when the Toddler bashes on your keyboard AND MANAGES TO CLOSE THE WINDOW!

Console self with the fact that it would have saved.

Realise that your internet had been disconnected and you had written everything without it being saved. Die a little inside.

Put the laptop down.

Read the Toddler a book, play soccer with her, go for walks, feed her, read more books.

Put Toddler down for a nap. FINALLY!

Pick up laptop.

Put down laptop as Toddler cries.

Re-settle Toddler.

Pick up laptop.

Put down laptop as Toddler cries.

Re-settle Toddler by snuggling and cuddling her.

Wake up an hour later with a Toddler still wrapped around your neck. Put Toddler down and sneak downstairs for a little blogging time.

Start to write. Realise that you have forgotten everything you were going to say. Start to write anyway. Inspiration will come.

The phone rings and disconnects the internet.

Give up.

Resolve to write all your blog posts after 9.30pm when Toddler is sleeping and phone callers can be politely sworn at.

…that I use to keep my house clean. *SNORT*

Have you seen my house lately? No? Well, lets just say that the tips probably aren’t working.

Anyway, Witchypoo tagged me with her meme that she came up with all by herself and honestly, it is a great meme.

Instructions:

Write your tip(s) with a link to who sent the meme to you, along with the instructions. They are better if they are your own discovery, or not widely known. Still, tips that make a difference to you are all good. After your tips, you will want to tag some friends who may even be hard up for blog fodder.

1- Bi-carb soda will shift any amount of grot. Caked on muck inside your oven? Make a paste of bi-carb and water, smear it on, leave for 10 or so mins, come back and wipe off. With a small amount of scrubbing everything will be like new.

Magic stuff. Buy some now.

I use bi-carb for those pesky stains that develop around oven hot plates and for the butter that burns onto baking pans.

So now that I have told you about my huge bi-carb fetish secret, I find I am out of ideas. At least household ideas. So onwards and upwards I say.

2- To keep toddlers clean while eating? Serve all food in the bath tub. Bread swells substantially when wet, so make sure you serve plenty of sandwiches. Toddler will end up fuller and everyone will be happier. Of course, you need internet access in the bathroom so that you don’t miss out on blogging while Toddler is silent and eating.

If you can’t get internet access in the bathroom, I highly suggest setting up a tub full of water somewhere you do have internet access. Either that or a set of intricately arranged mirrors so you can see around corners.

3- To quell The Shriek? Duct tape is your friend. Either that or buy yourself some earplugs.

OR

4- We all want those pre-child pre-aging perky boobs don’t we. Now, I have come up with a revolutionary way to make your boobs perk back up to where they used to be.

The answer is simple. Just put on a breast hugging t-shirt and no bra, then hang upside down. Your breasts will instantly end up back where they used to be. Simple really. We should really all embrace walking on our hands.

WARNING: Do not attempt to do this anywhere near a boob obsessed toddler when your t-shirt is NOT breast hugging. You WILL end up with a toddler attempting to feed while your boobs fall out of your top. Toddler will find it hilarious and you will be stuck upside down.

I am tagging –

Frog Ponds Rock

Lotus

Imaginary Binky (Sarah)

Laura

Bee

Kelley

and

Nikki

I tagged some of my newer commenters as well as some old friends. Thanks guys for coming over and visiting me.

Remember my last post about my brother?

Well, he came and stayed with me again.

This time, instead of deoderant, it was the study door.

Amy has just gone to sleep. Generally she doesn’t wake up, but noises at the foot of the stairs piss her off. The study is right at the bottom of the stairs, and the door handle rattles like a mofo.

David walks into the study where he is playing on Nat’s computer and shuts the door.

Rattle rattle…………clunk.

Sigh.

I wish he wouldn’t shut the door.

Dave walks out of the room 5 mins later, rattle clunk goes the door as he opens it.

‘Dave, please don’t latch the door. Amy is sleeping and the noise goes straight up the stairs into her room’

‘Okay Ronni’

‘Thanks’

Dave makes himself some food and walks back into the study.

‘Don’t shut that door’

Rattle rattle…..clunk.

Arghhhhhhh!

5 mins later (because he can’t sit still) he come back out to talk to Nathan about something.

‘Dave, remember how I said don’t shut the door?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Well, don’t shut the freaking door! Amy is sleep and isn’t going to bother you.’

‘Oh, okay then’

He walks back towards the study and SHUTS THE FREAKING DOOR!

A little while later, he comes back out again. He goes to shut the door behind himself.

‘Don’t shut the fucking door! I HAVE TOLD YOU! DON’T FREAKING SHUT IT!’

Slowly the door swings more closed, with Dave NOT listening to me.

Veronica’s head explodes.

‘DAVID! THE DOOR! HAVE YOU NOT BEEN TOLD AREADY? DON’T FUCKING CLOSE IT! AMY IS SLEEPING!’

‘Oh, sorry Ronni.’

When he went back into the study 5 mins later, you guessed it. He shut the door.

I think I figured out why though. Look what is living in my bookshelf.

 Of COURSE he needed the door shut. DOH!

The Toddler was in full force today.

I tried to have a shower while she was occupied with her toys. Didn’t work. Eventually, after a little head and hands poked into my shower (getting soaked in the process) for the tenth time, I stripped her off and put the plug in and she had a shower with me.

I left the water in to be used on the garden later.

Getting dressed was something that she SHALL. NOT. BE. SUBJECTED. TO! And I was a MEAN MEAN MUMMY for doing it.

I finally got her dressed (cue cheers) and (the second) breakfast served. While I wasn’t looking, she fed her (second) breakfast to the cat. I can only assume from the amount of grumpiness that reared it’s ugly head, that the first breakfast had gone to the cat as well.

Sigh.

As I was preparing to go out (hair makeup etc) Toddler came into the bathroom and threw the roll of toilet paper into the toilet before I could stop her. She emptied a cup of water all over the floor and finally, as a final encore of Toddlerhood, she fell in the bath.

Fully dressed.

After I had taken 20 mins to dress her.

Sigh.

We eventually got out the door and Toddler was fed vegemite and cheese sandwiches in the car because I had finally realised that she was still hungry. Maybe the cat looking satisfied and NOT yowling for food should have tipped me off?

***

Toddler enjoys shopping, as long as Toddler is not in any way, shape, or form constrained in a trolley, stroller, or arms. Hand-holding is also out of the question as it restricts Toddler’s movement.

I juggled finding 2 new pairs of pants for Toddler, a handbag and a hot drink (chai tea latte).

Toddler raced around the shop causing Toddler chaos in her wake. I spent the whole time putting the soft toys back onto their shelf and re-packaging all the shoes.

Also apologising. Did I mention the apologising?

At one point Toddler realised that there was music! over the sound system. She raced around the shop, with me and her Nan (my mum) in hot pursuit. As soon as she found a slightly empty space (a dance floor if you will) she proceeded to dance and sing and generally perform.

Drama queen.

***

Toddler is unhappy about any attempt to contain her in a trolley. UNLESS you sit her in the main bit along with all the food.

So, being a person to take the path of least resistance I let her sit in with the food.

After Toddler unwrapped my block of chocolate, I realised I may have made a (slightly, very small) bad decision.

If you are in the supermarket and you notice a block of unwrapped, slightly chewed, macadamia nut chocolate hidden amongst the pads, please pretend you didn’t see it. I am truly sorry.

After a while Toddler decided that causing chaos OUTSIDE of the trolley was the new fun thing to do.

Did you know that there are dogs on the cans of dog food? Toddler let me know.

There are cats on the cat food. Toddler let me know this also.

Even better? A Scottish Terrier is actually a cat and Toddler won’t have anyone tell her that it isn’t.

‘TAT!’

‘No Sweetheart, that is a dog’

Toddler points at a Border Collie.

‘Dis dooooooo ag’

‘Yep, that’s a dog’

Toddler points at a Terrier

‘TAT!!’

‘No, that’s a dog.’

‘NO! TAT!’ stomps foot
Sigh.

‘Come look at the cats then…’

EVERYTHING actually should be placed on the floor for ease of access for Toddler shelf climbing. Toddler saw to this today and was mightily unimpressed when I put everything back where it belonged.

She threw herself backwards when I held her.

She ran away when I didn’t.

For a final straw, as I was packing the groceries back into the trolley after paying for them, I trapped a (very energetic) Toddler between the wall, myself and the trolley.

Toddler is a mighty escape artist. So mighty in fact that she crawled underneath the trolley to escape. She would have managed it too had her pesky foot not gotten stuck and her MEAN MEAN MUMMY not removed her from there.

Cue tantrum.

I think I lost weight today.

We got pre-approval.

Don’t know what I am talking about? Read this.

Right, done?

We got pre-approval!!!

The catch? We have to find $1000 to pay out the rest of the money owed on the car. Provided we can do that (within a week) then they will give us our home loan.

We bought the house!!! WOOOOOOOOT!

Sorry, this was just an updaty post. Toddler post to follow.