Crap, my children are growing up. I’d best hurry up and have another kid in order to keep my blog running

Internet! Why didn’t you tell me that I was doing it all wrong? Here I am, firmly up the duff and yet I didn’t have a sponsored post and giveaway announcing the pregnancy, nor have I managed to effectively monetise my bump.

And don’t think that I am talking small sidebar advertising – no, I want branded maternity wear and a whole new wardrobe for this kid. Not to mention, a new cot and pram and assorted fripperies.

I hear that fripperies are the absolutely latest thing in baby fashion and I want to know why I’m not being drowned in offers to fripperise my nursery. Babies only need somewhere to sleep, boobs and clothes? PFFT. They need the latest FRIPPERIES I tell you.

I’m 27 weeks pregnant now, my blog should be nothing by All Baby, All The Time. I need to throw out all of the toys that my children keep in the spare room and turn it into a tastefully decorated nursery, complete with mobiles and a thousand dollar rocker (that some nice sponsor will gift me).

Pregnancy is the best thing that can happen to a mummy blogger, according to everything I’ve ever read, and I just want to know why it isn’t doing anything for my page views. Is there not enough drama? Am I too busy retching in the garden and collapsing into bed to actively seek out these opportunities?

Will I look back on this pregnancy once my kid is born and regret bitterly not capitalising on my fertility while I had the chance? This is going to be my last pregnancy ever, surely I should be leaving the world of child bearing with a bang, rather than a whimper?

I absolutely will not take responsibility for my own pregnancy and buy anything myself. It should all be laid on for me. The baby clothes that I was planning on putting on this child are (GASP) third-hand now and have been well loved prior. This isn’t good enough, Internet and I want to know why nothing is being done.

And are we forgetting my poor autistic children. Surely I only gave birth to them and their quirks in order to monetise them effectively. They don’t make me laugh regularly, or cover me with kisses – no, they’re merely blog fodder.

Don’t you know, it’s all about the page views? Pregnancy, babies and children with extra needs are all big business and I can’t help but feel that I am missing out on a giant opportunity here. Not to mention my broken joints. Surely I only blog about those for the extra attention, not for the education factor. Who wants to educate people about autism and hypermobility? Not me. I just want free shit.

Obviously, I am doing it all wrong and ought to be kicked out of the club.

 

Comments

41 responses to “Crap, my children are growing up. I’d best hurry up and have another kid in order to keep my blog running”

  1. Fiona Avatar

    Thought you were already being threatened with a good kicking out?

    Mwah!

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Oh, definitely. I mean, probably. I can’t keep track anymore.

  2. Mrs Woog Avatar
    Mrs Woog

    Oh darling, You know that you could be leveraging this pregnancy far more effectively. Let’s get together for a strategy pow wow before you reach your last tri-mester.

    Call me!

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Is the third trimester from 28 weeks, or 29? Either way, I’m nearly out of time!

  3. Fiona Avatar

    That’s it I’m getting knocked up. For the swag

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Absolutely. It’s all about the swag, baby.

  4. Wanderlust Avatar

    Clearly, I’m hosed, being past my child-bearing years. I may as well close up shop now.

    1. Veronica Avatar

      SHHHHHH. If they hear you say that, you’ll never succeed! Fake it til you make it!

  5. BubbleGirl Avatar

    All you have to do. is keep having new babies every couple of years, until yours start having babies of their own… Then it will be seepless nights with the grandbabies, because you’d probably have them over more often than not.

    This should ensure much traffic, and many sponsors, so long as you tell us everything there is to know about everything.

    Don’t forget to let us know about the meanderings of your stretch marks, or the specific day when your belly button turns from an innie to an outie, and you should be rolling in it!

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Oh god, that is ALL I have to do?

  6. Zoey @ Good Googs Avatar

    That’s why I want such a big family. For the page views.

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Absolutely. Page views are everything. EVERYTHING I SAY.

  7. Anne Avatar

    Just one question…what are…fripperies??

    1. Veronica Avatar

      I’m not quite sure, which is why I’m certain I need LOTS of them. I’m thinking anything that looks ridiculous, as well as being useless. Like bonnets and lace overshirts.

  8. Kathy Avatar

    Oh, I SEE. Babies as blog fodder! Illumination! Whyever didn’t I think of it? I mean, it’s not like they cost a half-mill each to rear or anything. *Obvs* all the free fol de rols and whatnots mean you’re ahead financially! Right?

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Just think of the free FRIPPERIES. That’s all you need to do. Not the actual parenting, time or effort. No, it’s ALL about the fripperies.

  9. Bright & Precious Avatar

    You are hilarious! And I adore the word ‘fripperies’! I think I may need to use it every day now!

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Fripperies is such a good word. I can visualise myself randomly shouting it at the shops too.

  10. SammiDownUndy Avatar

    Can’t breathe. Laughing. Ow. Hurts. Brilliant. Gasping. aaaHAHAhahhahahAHAHHHAAAA! GOLD! #Swagmama – get it trending pronto!

    1. Veronica Avatar

      Now I have a hashtag! AWESOME.

  11. Sarah @fignutmum Avatar

    Oh me too.
    With this pregnancy I have actually pretty much forgotten to blog, let alone make some $$$$ and score some cool stuff.
    Actually only thought last night hmmm, maybe I should put some thought into this next baby and see what may need to be purchased before it comes. Maybe I should put a wish list out there on the blog I have been absent from and hope I may score some stuff for free.

    Thanks for the tip

    Oh and for what its worth I prefer to read about the insides of chickens and spiders on bikes.

    1. Veronica Avatar

      You’re doing it all wrong! Like me, of course. (Although, I did buy our very first new baby things the other day. One bouncer, to replace the one that got broken by Amy and Isaac.)

  12. Sandra @The $120 Food Challenge Avatar

    Pity ME. Children all grow’d up and left home and me, middle-aged and almost menapausal.

    WHERE IS THE LOVE???

    1. Veronica Avatar

      OH NOES. How are you ever going to survive? Can you get a puppy instead?

      1. Fiona Avatar

        Goldfish. You can monetise goldfish, right?

        1. Veronica Avatar

          They’re sort of sparkly and cool – it could be the new thing. WINNER.

          1. Fiona Avatar

            Hi, I’m Fiona, and I blog at littlegoldfish.net

      2. Sandra @The $120 Food Challenge Avatar

        I can see my future (and yours too) and it’s clearly marked NANNA BLOGGER.

        Is it too early for a stiff drink?

        1. Veronica Avatar

          I think you can get away with stiff drink at any time of the day if you’re a NANNA BLOGGER. Embrace the labels!

          1. frogpondsrock Avatar

            Oi! I have the Nanna blogger market cornered. You kids get off my lawn

  13. Jayne Avatar

    Waddyamean this is your last pregnancy ever?
    If that’s the case you’d best get working and make this into a triplet or octuplet pregnancy – stretchy skin and joint slippage from EDS can accomodate an extra dozen or so arms and legs, yes?
    You could get a tv contract, just by flashing your torn skin, although you might have to pretend to be in agony for the sympathy, cos we all know broken joints, constant nausea and a bellah full of arms and legs is cruisy *rolls eyes*
    Get branding, girl!

  14. Sharon A. Avatar

    What about a twitter party baby shower? I hear twitter parties are all the rage in the USA.

  15. John Silberberg Avatar

    “… I should be leaving the world of child bearing with a bang, rather than a whimper?”

    … why not, it’s how most of us joined that world 😉

  16. Belinda@ savemumsanity Avatar

    Loved this V! I completely missed all leveraging opportunities during my pregnancy through leaving all pregnancy navel gazing until the last two overdue weeks. By then noone cared but for my small handful of loyal followers. I had well and truly fallen off the blog map, if I was ever on it to begin with, and here I am with an 8 week old boy who has harshly missed out on swag accoutrements through me selfishly keeping a lot of my pregnancy to myself. Let my story be a grave lesson to you! X

  17. river Avatar

    Pfftt!

    (laughed out loud at “Nanna Kim’s” comment)

  18. Rah Avatar

    I’ve been debating having children, but increased page views? I’M SO THERE!!

  19. Kellie @ Three Li'l Princesses Avatar

    Julian just had a vasectomy. Crap! There goes my pageviews!

  20. Tanya Avatar

    Yes, you are doing it all wrong.

    I shamelessly promoted my pregnancy in every way possible, although not on my blog. I mean I would go to the supermarket, lean back and hold my belly as I waddled around. I added a few grunts and soon enough, people were moving out of the way, opening doors for me and helping me with my groceries.

    Little did they know that at home I was happily gardening, going for walks and doing the housework without any drama. Mwahaha!

  21. Sarah Avatar

    Dammit, why didn’t you suggest this to me this time last year?? I missed out on the entire pregnancy & seeing as The Baby is technically no longr a newborn at 12 weeks, I totally missed out on all of the newborn fodder too.

    Clearly I’m doing it all wrong too!

  22. cat@jugglingact Avatar

    Oh I had such a great laugh!

  23. Marylin Avatar

    Damnit, I knew I shoulda stayed with the boys’ dad!! WHY didn’t I think of the swag???