Daily Life

by Veronica on July 15, 2009

in Headfuck

I move through my days the same as I always did. Only now, it’s sadder. Things are the same and yet they are irreparably different. I try very hard not to think about things, but I’m not entirely sure that pushing it down to deal with later won’t have consequences.

Books lined against my walls, no bookshelf to hold them.

Shampoo in the shower. It still smells like Nan.

I haven’t been able to remove my pictures off the wall in my bedroom at her house. Not yet. Maybe another time. I don’t think I could bear to see them here and yet, I couldn’t bear to throw them away.

It’s not easy.

***

I run my finances through a calculator. Money in vs. money out.

Groceries. Petrol. Bills.

I don’t like the numbers so I run them again. And again. And again.

There is only so many things you can cut out.

Fuck.

I need a job.

***

Amy sleeps until 9.30am this morning, a welcome break. Unfortunately Isaac awoke at some ungodly hour and refused to be consoled with boobs. It’s not how I was planning on starting my morning.

It never is.

Neither kid is sleeping well and my insomnia has well and truly set in.

Eventually I will crash, but not now. Not today.

***

My postpartum hair loss stopped in May. I was thankful. There are only so many strands of your own hair you can choke on before it starts to get old.

However.

My hair is falling out in handfuls.

Stress maybe?

***

Yesterday was a day filled with energy and tasks and hot baked bread.

Today is cold and dreary and time is running slower. A good book and a hot drink would be more than welcome but my short people insist on food and entertainment and attention. Naptime is never long enough and Amy doesn’t nap anyway.

***

A program on TV. Someone dying, a family standing around crying.

‘Turn it off Nathan. I don’t need to watch that. It’s worse when it’s real life.’

Click.

trish July 15, 2009 at 1:18 pm

I pray and wish things get better for you soon and yes it is worse when it is real life.
(hugs)

trishs last blog post..Weekly Winners 28 2009

Sharnee July 15, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Awww….. hope things get better soon 🙁
The crap weather doesn’t help much.

Sharnees last blog post..eyes n stuffs

Xbox4NappyRash July 15, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Daily life, sucks.

Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Into the wild

Taz July 15, 2009 at 4:42 pm

biggest hugs to you..

thinking of you

here is hoping things work out for you very very soon..

am always here you know that.. 🙂

river July 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm

What is it with short people always needing food and other stuff? Don’t they realise that sometimes we taller folk just don’t want to?

These times aren’t easy, but things will gradually get better. I’ll hope for a lotto win for you. Then you won’t need a job.

Marylin July 15, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Sending lots of love honey. Hope you manage to get a job ok, what about Nat?
((hugs)) to you. You’re never too far from my thoughts. xxx

Marylins last blog post..My beautiful baby boy

Tanya July 15, 2009 at 9:24 pm

there are only so many times you can say ‘just hang in there’ but somehow you just keep hanging in there.

Tanyas last blog post..Baby Language

lceel July 15, 2009 at 10:46 pm

You do know that this isn’t what she would want from you, right? My guess is she would want you to celebrate her life – not so much mourn her death. She made you stronger than this.

lceels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Happy Birthday, Grannie

A Free Man July 15, 2009 at 10:51 pm

I know what you mean about the TV. I can’t bear it.

And the demanding small people for that matter. It can wear you right down, can’t it. Hang in there.

A Free Mans last blog post..So sleep tight baby, unfurrow your brow

Ree July 15, 2009 at 11:39 pm

Oooooh, lceel told you! 😉

Hugs, honey. If you need, I’ll send you a wig. XXOO

Jeanette July 16, 2009 at 1:11 am

(((HUGS)))

Joyce-Anne July 16, 2009 at 2:07 am

No words. Just sending ((HUGS)).

Jenni July 16, 2009 at 2:57 am

not sure what to say. just want you to know i’m here.

Marie July 16, 2009 at 6:15 am

hugs.

achelois July 16, 2009 at 7:32 am

Big hug across the oceans. Try ticking off the smaller things – no1 – a decent night’s sleep, try anything to achieve this.

Major tantrum about lack of bookcases seems in order.

Without ‘knowing’ you I understand your grief so well. Try a scrapbook with the kid’s of good memories of your nan that they remember as well. A memory box is good as well, a piece of jewellery, a favourite photo, special memories. Anything that seems right. It sounds banale writing it down but it helped me. Talking with children can sometimes help us adults out, it helped a little for me. Nothing will replace her I know but I am clutching at straws to think of anything that helped ‘lift’ my mood, even for a moment, when my nan passed away.
Thinking of you Veronica.

CK July 16, 2009 at 9:20 am

I have no idea how many times I’ve stared at my coffee and thought, “This is not how I was planning on starting my morning…”

I hope sleep finds you soon. Preferably when your kids are asleep…

Brenda July 16, 2009 at 3:42 pm

It will pass V. I wish I can fast-forward it to where it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.xx

Barbara July 16, 2009 at 7:39 pm

Daily life is hard. I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of and praying for you all. Try giving your kids brandy – that should make them sleep!

tiff July 16, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Biggest hugs.
Daily life is hard and messy.
Hoping that there are better days ahead for you soon. xx

anne nahm July 17, 2009 at 7:37 am

I’m sorry for your loss and the stress. Take care.

xanderley July 18, 2009 at 6:54 am

My grandmother died in December and until then I hadn’t realised how often I thought of her or spoke of her. Each memory after her death brought new pain and unbearable saddness, but 8 months on I can remember her cheeky sense of humour and eccentricities with a solemn smile and am hoping in a few more months it will be with a true lightness of heart. Unfortunatley it is a process none of us can rush, and in a twisted way, feeling the saddness makes me feel closer to her.

I am so sorry for your loss, and hope that every day for you is a little lighter.

Chrissy July 18, 2009 at 11:59 pm

Oh, Veronica! I am so sorry for your loss. I felt the same way when my grandfather died. It took me years to finally pick myself up and function as “normally” as I could. It truly is difficult losing a loved one. I sometimes feel the sadness of my grandfather not being here anymore. I know my grandmother feels it on a daily basis. She will always feel that loss. Remembering him and all our memories together is bittersweet. I look back with fondness and a happy heart, and then feel the sadness of him not being here anymore.

The rest of your post reminds me of my life right now. Rough sometimes, isn’t it? Sending you lots of hugs. XO

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