Dear TV Stations.

WARNING: Rant ahead.

Dear ABC,

You have the only TV show that my daughter will watch. Honestly, it is the only break I get all day, that 20 minutes of Playschool, so you can imagine I was a touch pissed off when you showed uninteresting CRAP all afternoon (when my daughter was asleep thankyou) and then, just as my daughter woke up and the childrens programs were due to start, you announce that you won’t be showing ANY of them.

Instead you put GOLF on. At 3pm – 6pm in the frigging afternoon. GOLF! For your information, it is still school holidays here, so I am sure there were a bunch of pissed off mums, trying to cook tea while their children whined about there being nothing on TV.

Golf has to be THE MOST BORING sport to watch on TV. Especially if you are a slightly irritable, full of energy toddler, who loves dancing to Playschool.

Please, next time get a freaking clue and put golf on when nothing else is scheduled.

Dear WIN,

Today after being disappointed by ABC’s lack of childrens programs, I switched over to you, something I rarely do when the kid is awake.

You were showing infomercials. I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU!

All I wanted was something bright and shiny, for my daughter to watch for 10 minutes so I could make her a snack without her clawing my leg off because, ‘OMG MUMMY, I AM STANDING! ON THE FLOOR BY MYSELF! AND IT IS KILLING ME! I AM DYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! PICK ME UP PICK ME UP PICKMEUPPICKMEUP NOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!’

I mean, you couldn’t cook while a toddler gnawed your leg off could you? Supermum I may be, but I have my limits.

Also, just to let you know, you did slightly redeem yourself at 4pm when there were psychedelic dogs dancing around and singing (am I the only one who finds that creepy?), but it still didn’t get my leg back.

AND for your records, Antiques Roadshow, does NOT make for interesting viewing at 5pm when mothers are cooking dinner and just. need. one. minute. of child-free time. Because we really just need a break while we chop things into little pieces.

Dear SBS,

On Monday nights you are my favourite TV station did you know that? BUT when I am ready to kill my daughter because she just won’t. leave. me. alone. I really don’t need you to be showing foreign news. I know you aren’t a station renowned for childrens shows, but honestly, would it kill you to put something on to keep me sane? Really.

Cooking shows would do. I know you do cooking shows well.

Dear Southern Cross,

I have one word for you.

INFOMERCIALS.

At 3pm in the afternoon? I mean, c’mon are you trying to make me kill myself? Then once the infomercials were done, you put on Neighbours.

ACK!

I KNOW Neighbours has churned out some good stars, but really I am not all that into it. Cartoons would suit me. Mindless shiny pretty animations. ANYTHING REALLY.

I am not that hard to please. Honest, just for gods sake, give me something to work with.

Dear TV,

I don’t hate you, really I don’t. But if you can’t fix your attitude and pick me up some decent programs, I will turn you off and let you get all dusty in the corner.

I swear I will do it and it will hurt me more than it will hurt you (because then I will go back to having a toddler gnawing my leg off, as I try to juggle boiling water, sharp knives and hot food).

Love

Veronica.