I can’t breastfeed a pretzel.

You know what Isaac? If you bend yourself backwards like a pretzel when I try and feed you, then you’re not going to be able to find my boob. Flailing about like a dying chook and hunting for a nipple somewhere in the vicinity of my thigh is not going to cut it. Milk does not come out of my thigh, your left shoulder, or my belly button.

If you’re a passerby in Tasmania any time in the near future and you see a slightly frazzled mother, telling her baby to ‘please for the love of god just bend in the freaking middle and FEED already’, then wave at me as you back away slowly. Don’t come and say hello, not unless you want to catch a glimpse of my breast as we talk. Because it probably will happen.If you don’t mind the sight of nipples, then definitely stop and I’ll say hello. We all know about the thousands of bloggers you can find in Tasmania anyway. Heh.

Amy. If you pour your entire glass of water into your bowl of dinner, don’t whine to me that you are hungry. I will drain the water out and you can eat the soggy bits of dinner you have left. I’m warning you now. I love you, but I’m sick of your antics at dinner time. There is no dessert. There is nothing different and you are not going to be granted a sandwich or a whole different meal before bedtime. I cook one dinner, you guys eat it, or you don’t. Easy. When you’re old enough to cook your own meal, you’re allowed to be slightly fussier. Cooking your own meal comes with a side of clean the kitchen up afterwards though.

My shoulder. Please, can you just stay in place for a little bit? You’re not allowed to get broken, you attach my baby carrying arm to my body. Yes, I know that my arm goes a pretty purple colour when you sublux, but I’ll take normal and working over pretty and purple any day. Please. I promise I’ll rub you with pretty smelling stuff if it would make you happy. Or something.

Dear Sales Assistant. Yes, I know, it sucks that Canon won’t cover my camera under warranty. It could have something to do with the fact that my daughter gave it a bath. Maybe it was a special present to me [I’ll just make Mummy’s camera all SHINY and CLEAN while she feeds my brother in the bedroom…], but who knows really? The good thing is, I have spoken to my insurance and they will cover most of the repair cost. All you had to do was send me the invoice from Canon. Was it too hard to not scan the invoice into the computer upside down? It made things difficult when I tried to see what they were charging me for everything. Thank goodness I’ve got a laptop. Yes, I may possibly have turned my computer upside down in order to read the damn document. Shut up.

Canon. I understand that you don’t cover water damage, or corrosion caused by such. However, a repair bill that is $900.03? What the hell is the 3 cents for? Wouldn’t it have been easier to just write that 3 cents off and charge an even $900? It just seems like an awful hassle for an extra 3 cents. Sure I know that for every 1000 repairs you do with that extra 3 cents added you make $30 but still. 3 cents. Really?

Apparently, the world is out to get me. I shall thwart it by giggling maniacally. I mean, what the fuck else can I do?

Sigh.