My period was due over a month ago – and it didn’t arrive.
I vomited, I swung wildly between happy and angry and my sense of smell, well, wow. I felt pregnant.
And then subtly, I didn’t anymore.
Pregnancy tests, that I’d waited to take, said negative, backed up by a blood test from the doctor, which was mostly inconclusive, but still negative.
I got an almost, barely there positive test in the beginning. We couldn’t tell properly if there was a second line, it was so faint, and I figured that another test in a few days would show a proper result. Only it didn’t.
My doctors opinion, most likely a blighted ovum and something went wrong, early on, leaving me with barely any HCG by the time I had blood drawn. Let’s just wait until you bleed naturally. Or in another few weeks, we can put you on the pill and try and stimulate a period that way.
He didn’t want to investigate further and actually, I’m glad he didn’t. I knew I was pregnant, just like I know that something didn’t go right and I am not having a baby.
I continued to vomit, while still not being pregnant.
So I put myself on the pill, tablets I had left from the 6 weeks of bleeding prior to conceiving Isaac.
Monday night (while still on the pill) I started to bleed.
So it’s finishing and even as I’m cramping and in pain, I am glad to be getting it over and done with.
In my mind, I am losing a pregnancy, not a baby. Something went wrong when cell A tried to join to cell B and they didn’t equal a baby.
And that’s okay, it truly is.
And I’m okay. There were tears when I got the blood results and I’m missing my grandmother more and more,
but I am okay.
I’m phillisophical about the whole thing.
Except the cramping. That just kind of sucks.
***
I truly am okay, so please don’t feel sad for me. If you want, you can share your stories of loss here and we’ll all hold hands and smile wryly at each other. Plus, the lovely people at The Online Circle, sent me some Cadbury Fairtrade chocolate to try and that arrived today, which was lovely.
Mmmmm, tastes guilt-free.
(Actually, it tastes delicious. The ingredients are slightly different to the other block of Cadbury chocolate I had in the cupboard and the Fairtrade seems to be more … pure? somehow? Delicious anyway.)
***
In other news, I bought myself a Canon 100mm Macro lens for my camera and I am in love.
LOVE.
Love.
Comments
31 responses to “It’s all a bit surreal.”
Many hugs to you xxx
And that bug is particularly awesome!
There’s nothing to say that will make it feel better. Just time – at least, that’s always what worked for me. And know that I’m thinking about you.
big hugs
am here if ya need..
Hugs.
Just hugs.
Yuck. I got to 12 weeks of a pregnancy that I really wanted — and started bleeding. The hospital sent me home so I actually lost it on the toilet in my bathroom — and fished it out because, you know, you can’t FLUSH it…. and there was no baby. Just a sac that had made me vomit non-stop for weeks. It was sad to not be pregnant anymore, wonderful to not feel sick anymore, and I actually felt OK once I realised there hadn’t been any baby.
In a weird sort of way it was quite interesting to look at. Gruesome but interesting.
TMI??
Ohhh. *Hugs*. It wasn’t meant to be.
If it happened to me, I think I’d be ok with it too somehow.
But if it does start to upset you more, don’t be afraid to talk.
p.s Apparently theres some rediculous amount of pregnancies that fail at the beginning and the women haven’t even been aware that they were even pregnant.
XX
Hugs. I’ve been down that road too. Love the bug shot.
That’s crazy. Literally the exact same thing happened to me in January. Late for almost 2 months, pregnancy test after pregnancy test was coming up negative and then I finally took one that was positive but the line was so faint I wasn’t sure…I took one the next day and the same thing only this time the line was slightly lighter. The next day I went to the doctor and they did a test that came up negative. Confused, disappointed. A few hours later I started to bleed. Heavier than normal. I was ok too. There is a reason it didn’t work out and it’s probably for the best.
Now I am almost 3 months late but not pregnant. That brings on an array of other tests but it’s all good. 🙂
Great detail on the praying mantis! It looks like he’s holding a blue jewel.
Sorry about the baby. I had one miscarriage at the seven weeks mark, too early to know the sex, but I KNOW the baby was a girl.
There is strength that comes with the peace of closure and being ok with whatever happens.. never thought I’d be that strong but I surprise myself sometimes.
*hugs* and I have to say that praying mantis is sooooooooooo cool… man I am drooling for a new lens!
Excellent photograph! (and hugs)
I’m sure there will be better news in a while and I love your picture! I’m myself seriously considering buying a reflex camera. I really enjoy reading your tasmanian life, so exotic so far away from my homeland and yet so simular in pains and joys. We are now moving into Spring as you must be starting to enjoy autumn, aren’t you? take care veronica.
(((hugs)))
Just popped by to give you a hug. BG Xx
I’ve been there. It’s still an awful loss. I had to have a d&c… I couldn’t bear carrying it. Big hugs.
Hugs from here. I’ve also had a very early loss. I was pregnant for a weekend and then it went?
What an amazing photo. One of the best Ive ever seen.
hug
I had two chemical pregnancies while doing IVF – basically I know they were alive when they went in, but they never really implanted and I just had a late period. I feel the same – they were pregnancies, not babies, and not meant to be. I’m very ambivalent about so much of the new tests and things, all it’s doing is showing us how common it is to lose them – even 10 years ago I would have just had a late period, now I know they were alive, even just for a few days. I don’t understand how people can test even before their period is due, it just seems to be setting up for heartache because so many don’t make it. But that’s me, maybe that joy for even a little while is worth it. Hugs, if you need to talk later, do.
That’s an amazing photo.
I have had 4 Miscarriages’ all wanted babies, it’s never easy, but I have a grown son of my own and two step children so I count myself lucky
🙁 I’m so sorry, Veronica!
Oh no, what an emotional roller coaster. Take care xo
Gin helps with the cramps. Actually, it helps with pretty much everything…
Love the bug.
I reckon buying a lens is a good thing to do! Also… I’m GREEEEEN with envy about it!! 😉
*hugs* xx
I’m sorry about the whole thing, Vernonica.
Libby, so does vodka!
MWAH sweetie. Just big MWAH
If you’d gotten any closer, you could have kissed that Praying Mantis. Instead, you’ll just have to accept a HUG from me. Just take real good care of you, okay? There are two little people who need you like crazy – and then, there’s all of us, too.
Glad you’re okay. It happened to me once, but I felt the same way about it pretty much.
Anyway – your new lens is AWESOME.
Wow, that bug is amazing.
I’m sorry as well.
I had a miscarriage about a year after my mum died, and it was the first significant thing to happen to me after she died. It was awful. The knowledge that she wasn’t there to jump on a plane to come and comfort me – and never would be again- caused me far more grief than the loss of the pregnancy.
HUGE hugs!!
Oooh I’m so very jealous about that lens of yours!! What f-stop is it?