Half an hour ago, Nathan went to visit his brother and took the children with him. Immediately, I was struck with a sense of urgency. The kids aren’t here, I am alone, surely I ought to be Doing Something Productive?
Before they left, I had plans. I was going to try to update this blog, write an article for the Mummy Bloggers Blog and maybe write something else, to be pitched for publishing elsewhere. I was going to drink a cup of tea, listen to music, write stuff and then read a book.
I was going to relax.
Then the car drove out of the driveway and the guilt hit.
I am here alone. I should be Doing Something.
I should be Making The Most of the time I have sans children and I should be proving that I am a productive member of the family, even when that family has driven away, leaving me in peace.
Which is stupid really, considering the things that suddenly felt all important were: scrubbing the windowsills, folding all of the dried and hanging laundry and doing more, scrubbing the benches and putting dishes away, or vacuuming. I was also convinced that I needed to make apple crumble.
I mean, WTF self? Why so productive all of a sudden? Alone time should be relaxing.
So, why the guilt? All of the things that I felt I should be doing, are things that I can do while the children are home.
Things I can’t do when they’re at home include writing, eating and drinking a hot cup of tea without someone stealing it. I should be doing those things.
But the guilt. Oh the guilt.
So I asked on twitter.
And got a slew of replies, from women who feel equally guilty if they’re not being productive when given alone time.
Firstly, I am glad it’s not just me.
Secondly, I am a bit terrified that there is a huge contingent of women who can’t take time for themselves when they’ve got it, without feeling guilty!
Is this how we’re programmed?
I’m just not sure. Men don’t jump out of their seats when their girlfriend walks through the door and start scrubbing coffee cups, just to look busy (do they?)
I do know that I feel guilty about the time I spend on the computer and have been known to dive off the computer when I hear Nathan coming, racing to somewhere, to do something productive, so it looks like I’m busy.
Only the thing is, I consider blogging and it’s assorted things work and so does Nathan. It brings in money, and makes me happy, so why do I feel like it’s not worthwhile?
And really, the only time he grumbles about me being on the computer, is when I’m so deeply engrossed in reading or writing, that I don’t notice the children getting into mischief right next to me. This probably happens more than it should, but I’m a focused kind of person who kind of switches off to the rest of the world when I’m busy.
It’s really annoying actually, to feel this level of guilt about alone time.
Do you feel guilty when you’re spending time alone?
I can’t say that I’ve ever felt the guilt, but I have a suggestion. Do a couple of the major things, like folding laundry and bake something so they’ll notice that you made it for them when they get home. You’ll get it done faster because there’ll be no interruptions, then take the rest of the time for yourself. Put your feet up, read a bok, have that cup of tea, whatever you want really.
Yay on Nathan for taking the kids out. I hope he does this for you on a regular basis now they’re a bit older. You need a regular break.
He’s really good with the kids, but normally it’s me going out alone and him staying home with them. It’s rare I’m home alone.
Oh, I have this guilt *all* the time. Unfortunately I can’t call blogging work yet; it’s more ‘practice’ at the moment. If I was drawing some kind of income from my blog, I think I could justify the time a little more easily, but I’m sure the guilt wouldn’t go away.
I’m drawing in a minimal income and working to increase it, so surely that’s working? Maybe? A little bit?
Hehe.
My kid’s went out to make mothers day gifts a few weekends ago and I ended up going to my Mum’s house desperate to know why I felt so guilty!
I used to love ‘me time’ now I feel awful when I get it (even though it’s incredibly rare!) 🙁
Yes, me too!
Oh! Mothers’ Guilt! Spurring countless generations of women into activity when they should JUST BE SITTING DOWN!
EXACTLY!
I have tears as I read this because that is me too. Te last time I had time to myself I spent 4 hours working on a budget that I haven’t had time to work on since. The last time I decided to have a “mental health day” I had to rescue my sister and my husband came home unexpectedly, invading my space and making me crazier. My head never stops screaming and I really just want to become a hermit because the need to be alone and do things for myself is becoming insane.
Today Kinder was cancelled due to the teacher being sick. It’s been nearly two weeks since I left the house alone, sans child. I’ve done dishes (x2), washing, weeding, baked bread & made a crumble then vacuumed. I haven’t planted my seedlings that need to get into the ground, and I still, after 3 days, have not finished tidying my desk, the 1.5 msq part of the house that is my space and I cannot use because it is overcrowded (and in the corner of th lounge, so it is always invaded by everyone else’s crap and noise). I’m tired. I feel bad because I haven’t playe with Miss 4 enough. And I know I shouldn’t feel like this.
I feel your pain. I absolutely feel guilty when spending time alone. Even when I’m sick. If I am laying down, my mind wanders to what it could be doing. I think that is why I feel exhausted on most days. Apart from the physical labour of having the little people around whilst being pregnant, it’s that constant feeling of guilt I carry around with me.
The problem is, that no matter what I’m doing, something else is being neglected. If you ever find a solution to this problem, please drop me a line. Seriously.
I think I’m in the minority, I love having time to myself and tend to do things for me, to relax. All the houseworky type things get done around the family usually while everyone is up to their own thing and I then make the most of my own time. If it’s a massive chunk of time, then I do end up doing something, but if it’s only a couple of hours, it’s all mine!
What I do, is force myself do relax for 20 minutes. Then do something productive (just one thing like, folding the laundry), then chill for another 10 mins, then another productive thing. That way stuff gets done, I relax, and the guilt is kept at bay too. Just my way of coping. Another strategy would be to make a list of three things you WANT to do, and three that you NEED to do, that way it’s all fair and equal, and the guilt won’t be there. (Hopefully)
“I’m just not sure. Men don’t jump out of their seats when their girlfriend walks through the door and start scrubbing coffee cups, just to look busy (do they?)”
Had to giggle because my husband does this.
I’ve been trying so hard to justify my down time during the day while my girls are at school. Yet I feel incredible guilt about it. But if I don’t have the down time my health suffers. So I try to tell the guilt to bugger off and still it is there. So frustrating.
I can relate, I get a few childfree hours a week now thanks to a shared childcare arrangement with a friend and the first few times this happened I spent three hours racing around my house like I was on speed, half-starting a dozen jobs and not finishing anything. Now I take a more measured response and try and do something productive, one job at least and something restful like having a bath or a cup of tea and reading for a little while!
I used to, but not anymore! Zack is at school, Max is cosied into his buggy playing the ds (no idea, he likes it there, I’m not complaining!), so I’m online, reading blogs, chatting to friends, and waiting for Game of Thrones to finish downloading so I can watch it. When you think about it… will Nat actually *notice* if these things are done or not? I mean… really? I bet the answer is not. And I bet he’d rather you were nicely chilled out when he gets back to be able to play with the kidlets for a while, too!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! You ARE! You are ALLOWED. Ok? So there… now you’ve been told! NO PRODUCTIVITY ALLOWED when you have a snippet of alone time. Right! RIGHT!!
On Saturday, the first day after the end of my semester, I was in a near panic because I felt like I should be doing something.
I still haven’t come down.
It’s a cruel catch 22, isn’t it.
I can’t even relax anyway if I know that there’s STUFF to be done.
Unfortunately, I’m not capable of voluntary blindness (unlike Hubby who seems to have mastered it). I’m all seeing mess, all knowing chores, all hearing tasks yelling for my attention.
I always have a list to get through during Magoo’s nap times and tell myself once I get to the end of it, I’ll sit, rest, read…
Of course, he wakes the minute I get close to the end of the list.
Maybe our lists should be turned upside down – with all the ‘me’ stuff up the top!!
Imagine the guilt.
For the record, the absolute ONLY times Hubby even realises that there are dishes to be washed or clothes to be hung etc etc are when company arrives. It’s comical when someone walks in the door and he casually asks me “Hon, does the washing need bringing in?” WTF??
Hope you fit in some down time for you.
🙂
Oh I am so hearing you with the guilt. Why Why Why – we should not feel guilty for re-charging. I’m always desperate for time alone (because I need it to feel balanced and alive) but then on the odd occassion I get it I find it really hard to just allow myself to live in the moment and relax. Doh Doh Doh!
I tell you what, just every so often when I’m about to tip over into the abyss, I have a day to myself when everyone’s out where I just sit down in front of the telly and watch something brilliant. Last thing I watched on such a day as this was Capote. Fantastic. The pensive mood slowed me down, and I just sat there drinking tea and eating 70% cacao content chocolate. Did I feel guilty? Did I f**k. Can’t be bothered. Don’t do it very often and am always in a much better mood afterwards. My family thank me for it, or would do if I told them about it.
Get to it girls! Switch the telly on and veg out. It’ll do ya good.
AIW xxx
I remember very clearly the first time I had alone time after I’d had my second child. I spent all of my two hours running around the house, half finishing chores and I suddenly remembered something else I should do. I was more stressed at the end of that two hours than I had been before!
I still feel the guilt. I do stuff on the computer when the kids are around so that I won’t feel guilty for doing it, instead of cleaning or whatever when they’re not.
I think that’s probably a bit screwed up.
Oh yeah. The guilt used to just gnaw at me. Then I asked my husband if he felt that way when he was put in the same situation. He about laughed me out of the room and asked me if that was a serious question… OF COURSE he didn’t feel guilty about enjoying his own time. (!!)
From that moment on, If I feel guilty about enjoying my free time, I just remember that converstaion, and I don’t feel that way for long.
Oooh yes. My little one has started daycare two days a week and it’s a massive guilt trip. I know she loves it. I know it’s good for her. And my husband is happy for me to have two days off a week, because I haven’t had any in the last five years. He keeps telling me to take naps and read books. But I feel like I have to work, because otherwise how can I justify having someone else look after my kid?
V E R O N I C A ….can you hear me??
YOU
are
the ONE
who stays up. nurtures, cajoles, and more EVERY NIGHT and daytime….don’t even think about what you DO.
Here’s what I say.
I wished I’d realised a lot earlier than 60 that it is OK to have ME time.
The more ME time I have the better ME I am for EVERYONE.
Bank it up….you need to do something that makes it ‘like an entitlement’ if that helps..Have you, and all of the above readers, except River, who is, ahem, one of my generation…ever thought of this…your life, as a circle. Make pie-sections of time and check how much is for YOU ALONE.* *not counting on the loo but then again…
Hey, YOU start the no-guilt movement for everyone else…it is RIDICULOUS that intelligent women (you know, half the population) feel GUILTY about time to themselves.
No man EVER expresses guilt…it’s not in their genetic code methinks.
Oh, and about what work ‘should be done’ Have you ever noticed…it’s only noticed when it’s NOT done…
Take your time to nurture YOU Veronica and YOURself & YOURbody…Love Denyse XX
If I were on Twitter regularly these days, I would have told you to stop. And then I would have told you that I do the same. We’re programmed that way. But give yourself a break. You deserve it. <3
We’re strange creatures us women aren’t we??!! Men would just relax, do something really nice for themselves and not give it a second thought….
I’d just got used to having me time after Sam hit 4…and then Joel has come along!
Sometimes if Paul has taken both of them out for the odd hour I’ve raced around like a lunatic….half doing things, not finishing anything at all. Then I feel slightly resentful when they come back.
The other problem I have is if i do force myself to sit and read a book…I’m asleep within a few minutes. I then wake up and feel like I’ve completely wasted the hour I had to myself….Agghhhhh!
Well kids are asleep, hubby is out and while I should be doing our taxes I’m reading blogs. This is far more satisfying 🙂
Love & stuff
Mrs M
I used to feel guilty when I was a SAHM but now that I’m working and single I treasure the moments I get alone. I think that as a SAHM it never felt like “alone time” it always felt like “nap time” and that’s why I felt guilty for not getting the stuff done that couldn’t be around the child. Of course my ex-husband was terrible and would come home and say things like “jeez you didn’t get anything done while you were alone” so I felt like I was unproductive and wrong for actually enjoying the peace and quiet when I had it. Hence one of the reasons he is my EX-husband….
Today I have a few child free hours. The first in a long time. And instead of doing ‘jobs’ I’m going to have some me time dammit! Thanks Veronica. I’m usually good at remembering to take time out but slowly began to crumble a bit recently as I’ve had lots going on. I’ll raise my coffee glass to you this am x
I hear you loud and clear. My guilt starts because I work full time. As much as I would love to be a SAHM, I know that I am not happy person in that role (although now that I have found blogging that might be different!) and the kids don’t benefit from grumpy parenting, making me even grumpier, so I work and am lucky enough to love it. Knowing this doesn’t make me feel guilty about not being with them more often and giving them more of myself, following them here there and everywhere so there is constantly something to do. When they are in bed is when I plan my ‘me’ time but that seems to be filled with domestic catch-up games and study for assignments that are overdue and becomes reading blogs for ‘research’ because that is more fun but also comes with its own little package of guilt. I end up setting my alarm early to get up and go for a walk. It is me time that I use to plan what I need to do for the day and attempt to prioritise it all. I am not sure that it is working, I feel like I am barely keeping it all together these day but the kids did declare me the fun parent the other day and that has never happened before.
Good luck trying to relax and enjoy me time, you do deserve it and you are worth it.
We are SO ALIKE.
You don’t need to have children to feel this sort of guilt. For the past month or so I feel like I’ve been chasing my tail with barely a moment to to something for me. So when I sit on the couch or at the computer, I think of the work I should be doing – professional work, housework, reading blogs, Tweeting, writing my own stuff …
and then I think of how much that work is really for me and how much for others and I get more weary, less interested and want to settle even deeper into the laze. Or go do something crafty. Folding the washing can wait … again … today I am starting on a long remembered craft dream!
… after the washing is on the line (late again, at midday!).
Oh yes, I relate. I can’t even sit down and do one thing – ie, watch telly, read – without doing half a dozen other things at the same time. I think we are born with it!
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