A million ideas whirl through my head.
Flavours for a wedding cake, learning to cook gluten free, things we can do today.
Unfortunately, my body is completely unable to keep up as I stagger around the house holding myself together. Parenting is perfect when done from a horizontal level. Perfect for me at least. Eventually the kids will need feeding or changing and I’ll have to stand back up, a larger undertaking than I’d like it to be.
I’ve had the flu and my brain is still foggy from it. Writing is not coming easily today, yet I still want to share; to write. A project of mine sits calling me. I don’t think my wrists will hold together long enough to do any substantial work on it. I set it aside. I could work on it, at the expense of tomorrow’s movement. I’m not willing to give that up though.
Tomorrow I have physio. I was meant to have been doing exercises for this last fortnight.
Unfortunately stability ball + Amy + 2 cats + a baby + the flu = no time/energy for exercise.
The cats run over the ball, making me thankful that it’s hard rubber. Amy jumps on me. Isaac cries.
In order to have space, I need to clean up the toys first. By the time that is done, I really need to lay down with my feet up before I fall over. It’s not conducive to exercises.
Instead I practise tightening and releasing all of the muscles I can feel in turn. It’s not enough, nor is it what has been prescribed, but mobility has not been my strong point this week.
I worry that the physio is just making me tired and isn’t quite tailored for what I need. It’s exhausting, having to hold yourself together to move. It leaves me with another thing I need to be doing, when all I want to do is sleep.
I can’t bend at the moment. Leaning over and then standing back up is more of an effort than I’d like it to be. The pain through my pelvis tells me that things are slipping, that I’m not holding it together well enough. My hips slip in and out of joint as I walk. I ignore it, thankful to still be able to walk.
It’s sunny outside. I sit on the grass and lean over to pull weeds from the garden. Isaac gurgles behind me, thrilled to be outside, pulling at the grass. His bouncer bounces frantically as he tries to kick himself out of it and into the dirt.
I know he’d love the dirt, but I’m not ready for that yet. Plus, the grass is wet.
Amy bounces on the trampoline. Golden highlights glint in her hair as she smiles. I like her again. I never stopped loving her, but she was a hard child to like some days. She was difficult. I don’t remember how I coped. Moment to moment I suspect. It was bad. It’s better now. Gluten is Evil.
Everything runs together in my mind.
A million thoughts. A million ideas.
There is an open home for Nan’s house next weekend. Surely that’s too soon? How come we’re moving so fast all of a sudden?
But then, there would never be enough time for me to come to terms with it. I need to just keep breathing, one foot in front of the other. There isn’t enough time to dwell. Not enough time to grieve either, but I can’t create more time.
Millions of thoughts. Rushing past, like water under a bridge. Or the bubbles that float past as you sink into the ocean.
I feel I’m drowning in a sea of grief and anxiety. Everything is blue and the bubbles are rushing past faster as everything slows down.
I don’t have time for this. I push to the surface and breathe.
Just breathe.
One step after another, tightening muscles as I go.
One breath after another, holding myself together.
****
Unrelated: I have a giveaway happening for US residents. (Sadly, not Australian ones. Grump)
You can either click here, or click on the giveaway’s tab at the top of the page.
Aww sweety, ((huge hugs)). You’re doing great, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. xx
Sending you holding-it-together thoughts.
It’s all about the breathing. You are going thru so much right now. Hang in there. Your Nana is watching you and helping as much as she can. A good cry and some chocolate are always helpful too.
Sometimes all you can do is keep reminding yourself to breath.
Make Nathan follow you around with a notebook and pen and just keep dictating to him. As soon as it’s on paper you don’t need to worry about it.
Considering everything that’s going on you are doing brilliantly although I can appreciate that it probably doesn’t feel like it at the mo.
I’m thinking of you.
Beautiful post. Flu sucks. Hope the exercises help when you’re able to do them. So glad Amy is better. I know what you mean about loving her but just not liking her sometimes. A good friend of mine has a daughter who is allergic to gluten. She was horrible – she would scream, she wouldn’t sleep, she had seizures, and she had an incredibly short attention span – you couldn’t finish a sentence while holding her attention. She’s a completely different kid now.
Hugs!!! It’s not too soon, but probably sure feels like it, on the sale of the house. I was horrified to hear my husband tell me that his relatives were yanking stuff out of the room his Granny died in RIGHT after she died, her body still there in the room on the bed.
Um.
Hey, your relatives seem to have just a little more decorum than mine, eh?
you said it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fORAPkfVV_A
big hugs
your doing well
hope the flu runs away soon.
Nasty flu makes EDS crap. Physio should be slow slow slow – especially as you have been unwell. I had a year of physio just on shoulder twice a week some time back and my physio said it was the most patient tailored plan he had ever done. He would reign back again and again making the task achievable by just gaining an understanding of the EDS collagen (or lack of). It took me 6 weeks to be able to locate a muscle in my back due to lack of proprioception. So don’t beat yourself up over lack of progress, even if you just manage a couple of moments an hour sitting on the balance ball its a start. Reading your mum’s blog I felt shocked at the house sale and wrote there to her. Grief, EDS, kids, life and flu all in one go is enough for anyone to deal with. I often find when my EDS body is giving me grief my mind becomes alive but don;t forget to try to pace Veronica! Easier said than done with little kids I know but I wouldn’t be a fellow EDSer if I didn’t nag about pacing now would I! take care and get well soon. x
Story of my life right now. Too much to do, not enough time or energy to do it.
One step after another, one breath after another. Really, that’s all you can do. And when you haven’t been well, it’s enough. Plus enjoying your children.
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