My brain is not logical. Just because I can look at a situation and know that nothing terrible is going to go wrong (but how do you know?), doesn’t mean that I don’t start to panic, just a little, when plans change, or my expectation for events doesn’t work out quite how I’d imagined.
I like to have things planned out inside my head before they happen. The unknown doesn’t sit well with me and I’m not the kind of person to decide to do something on a whim.
All this is basically saying: I have pretty terrible anxiety and I probably should have gotten myself medicated two months ago, so that I could avoid the freakout that Blogopolis is causing me.
Tomorrow, I leave home at some godawful hour of 4am, to go to the airport. Once I’m in Melbourne, I get to dump my bags, have breakfast and then make my way to the train station and the Bloggers Brunch. Lovely Norlin has offered to meet me at the train station and travel in with me, so that I’m not freaking out alone, because holy fuck, HOW DO YOU CATCH A TRAIN? WHAT DO I DO?
Logically, I know it will be fine. Everything will go smoothly, I will panic on the inside and smile on the outside and I will try not to dislocate any major (or minor) joints in any fashion.
Logic has nothing to do with panic attacks though and knowing that things will be fine does not stop my brain dragging me through all the worst case scenarios, just in case. Just in case of what? WHO KNOWS. Why do I have to have a plan in place in case I suddenly break an ankle? I DON’T KNOW. THIS MAKES NO SENSE TO ME EITHER.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to run into Zombies. Or vampires. OR FAIRIES. MY BRAIN IS NOT BEING SENSIBLE.
Saturday, I am also quietly freaking out about. I thought I was going to be fine and able to surround myself with people who know that I’m freaking out and are able to talk to me anyway, but no. Allocated seating.
Again, logically, allocated seating is a great idea. We did it at AusBlogCon and it worked really well to get people meeting other people.
So I GET where Nuffnang is coming from, with the allocated seating. But the fear of the unknown is killing me (WHO AM I SITTING WITH? WHY DOES THIS POST HAVE SO MUCH YELLING? I DON’T KNOOOOOW) and the worry of being stuck at a table in the very middle of a room with no way to leave if I need to throw up, well.
If I get through this weekend without bleeding through my jeans (hello TMI), or throwing up on someone, or bursting into tears, I will count it a success.
Actually fuck it. I don’t care if I cry.
Just please, pray to whatever deity you care about and pray that I don’t bleed through anything or throw up. Or dislocate anything major.
Holy fuck am I bendy right now.
And panicking. I am panicking.
BREATHE.
Comments
22 responses to “My brain is not a logical place to live inside”
I don’t have anything helpful to offer but I can sure relate to this.
I really hope it goes as well as possible for you.
Ugh…anxiety is just horrible, horrible, horrible. I don’t get it very often but when I do, I feel like the world is ending. At least you’ve written it down and put it out there – so hopefully that diminishes it. Once you are in the thick of it it should be better!
1. In case of a Zombie attack, broken bones, bleeding, etc – you will not be far from friends, who know and understand and will rescue you, should you need rescuing.
2. Have you tried visualisation? Sit down somewhere quiet, breathe slowly and see in your mind how perfectly everything is working out over the next three days. Visualise every detail of where you will be, what you will do, how calm you will feel, how much fun you will have. Whenever negative thoughts come into your head, just bring back the visual of how perfectly everything is working out.
Can’t wait to see you again, tomorrow!
Do hormonal things have any impact on your anxiety? They do for me, I find. Which doesn’t help you in any way but, you know, I’m good like that. Babe, listen to me, I bet half of the women attending know exactly how you feel. Nobody is going to be mean. In this sort of situation, everyone looks after each other (as you’ve already seen with the train thing). It will be slightly less awesome because I won’t be there (motherfuckers!) but apart from that (and barring any fairy/zombie attack, which I agree is a distinct possibility) you will have a wonderful time and even if you bleed all over yourself and break your ankle, people will look after you because everyone loves you. Also, rescue remedy. xxxxxxxx
I’m with you on most of that, except for the bleeding and broken ankle. I imagine tomorrow morning I’ll be explaining to my husband that he really shouldn’t drop me off that the airport because it’s probably best if I just stay home and look after the cat…
*hugs*
Sending anti panicking vibes and monster force field in a can. Wish I could be there to hold your hand.
Even in your panic of What Ifs…………I have to say you make me laugh! This just sounds like me, for some unknown reason my mind does the very same thing.
Although I might have the best laid out plains write down a list of what I’m packing, a list of what I will wear on Monday Tuesday etc, a list of what time I will be at a certain place how long I will spend there…..SO many lists……So Anal!
As a result I feel so proud of my entire lists and how organised I am, then bang…….
I PANIC!! OMG What if What if !!!!!!…..O yes I definitely know how you feel, however I must admit most times it never turns out as bad as we think, with that in mind I’m sure you will have a great time and remember…… YOU my friend are not alone.
Now I can’t wait until you come back and tell us all about it!!!
Always Wendy
You’ll cry, run with that 🙂
*hug* wish I could be there but then that’s one more new person for you 😉
I am going to make myself come up and say hello to you ms Veronica. I don’t suffer from anxiety but I do suffer from small-blogger syndrome. You know, the one that makes you feel so much less important than all the other lovely bloggers around you. I will be feeling so very intimidated by you and so many others – because frankly you’re all awesome and I love your blogs. And while it’s easy to twitter and comment it’s so much harder to eye-ball. I always try to remember a saying someone told me years ago “most of us are like the rest of us” . Underneath we’re all pretty much feeling the same stuff – I guess in differing degrees of intense-ness. Love you work and I say just remember to pack to Zombie Spray. (I have monster spray at home to ward off evil monsters that attack my little peoples thoughts in their sleep – it works a treat :O)
hey Veronica, so sorry you are feeling like this. When I went to the Colgate Bloggers Brunch and got to meet you and sit next to you I felt at ease and not worried at all. You were really kind and you spoke with passion and intelligence (no wonder I was shocked to learn your lovely age).
I really hope when you meet the new people you’d be sitting around that you will feel immediately at ease. Because when I sat next to you, that is what I felt. So I just hope you get the same. So sorry you feel anxious. If you let your doctor know exactly what you’ve said right here, they will surely be able to help. xxx thinking of you. xx gemma
Sorry you’re feeling anxious but it will be fine, I am sure of it!
I don’t quite know how to approach people and say “Why hey there…” – I imagine that’s going to be slightly odd.
Also, I feel like the bad guy for admitting I’m a bit annoyed about the whole allocated seating issue – I do understand that it’s a good way for people to mix, but I am pretty opposed to people telling me what to do. I feel kind of like they are saying “you cannot mingle without our help, so here – let us help you”. Urgh, I just dont like being told what to do (unnecessarily). I am pissed because I invited my friend and now I can’t even sit with him. WAHHH.
But for those with social anxiety – I imagine it would be very very tough.
See you soon!
You are not alone Sharnee. I have a huge problem with being told what to do. It is probably a very good thing that I am not going to blogopolis otherwise I would be the one organising a game of musical chairs and muttering about the fucking chair police. lol.
chair police – LOL!
social anxiety, heck any anxiety is a kicker – suffer from it, so know exactly where you are coming from.
when it all feels like it’s becoming too much, deep breath count to ten and then picture everyone naked – never fails 😉
~x~
Hi Veronica, just came across your blog recently and have enjoyed browsing through… I had REALLY bad panic attacks (actually Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for about eight years in my 20s. The thing that helped the most was just following my breath, in and out, with my awareness. You can do this while doing everything else you need to do in your life and no one will know you’re doing it. Makes it hard for those pesky anxiety thoughts to sneak in cos you’re focusing on something real and present. Hope that helps! All the best with your conference 🙂
Anxiety is such a nasty thing. It encroaches on everything, and can be so all encompassing. Like Molesworth Diarist I find awareness and being in the moment (mindfulness) helps a lot. Not exactly a quick fix though if you aren’t used to practising it. Best wishes – sending you lots of calm vibes.
TMI? maternity pads. or half a mattress stuffed in your jeans.
You’ll be fine.
I have no advice but I’ll be looking forward to seeing you, V. Oh, and I’ll be leaving at that unGodly hour too. Who knew there was a 4am?! 😉
The Bendy Panic sounds like a hot new dance craze!
Breathe… *lots*…
At least the bleeding thing means you have a valid reason to hide in the toilets? 😉 xx
Fake it ’til you make it, V! As always, you will be fine. Just smile and remember to breathe. (Easier said than done, I know).
People find you really approachable, so you won’t be short of people starting the conversation for you. xx
I really wish I had read this post before Blogopolis. You ended up sitting next to me, and while I didn’t break any of your bones, I did manage to elbow you in the head. OMG. I am mortified! So, so sorry. Hope I didnt scare you off.
The crazy thing is, I wasn’t allocated to your table. I swapped with a girl who wanted to sit with a friend. And she won the Holden test drive!
Next time we meet I promise not to beat you up x
Laney 😉