When we fell pregnant with Isaac, I had no faith that we would be bringing home a baby at the end of it. We’d been trying to conceive for over 12 months and unlike what I had anticipated, that kind of thing doesn’t just wash away when you see the 2 lines on a pregnancy test.
There was bleeding. Oh god there was lots of bleeding. I remember standing – bleeding – in the shower at 10 weeks pregnant sobbing because I knew that I couldn’t go back to trying to conceive again without going insane. There was the thought of just so much time wasted to be thrown right back into where we started.
Luckily the pregnancy was stronger than my faith in it and it continued on.
At every single antenatal appointment I braced myself to be told ‘no heartbeat’. When I started to feel him kick I would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep until I felt a movement. I had no faith.
When we found out we were having a boy, suddenly he was much more real to me. I felt him kick and breathed the words ‘my son’ to no one, but I still wasn’t making plans based around the birth of this baby.
This baby that we were oh so lucky to be pregnant with.
Knowing that he was a boy didn’t make me feel any better either. Caucasian boys don’t do as well as girls statistically.
At 24 weeks when I started to bleed I shut off my emotions, made myself cold and just powered through it. At 25 weeks when I was admitted to hospital because I had been spotting and losing my mucus plug, I didn’t think about what it might mean long term. I kept myself switched off, all the way through a diagnosis of infection and a positive fetal fibronectin test (meaning that there was a chance I would go into labour in the next 14 days).
I thought about it, but I was cold; reserved. I weighed odds and chances with no emotion attached.
Because at that point, my baby wasn’t real yet. Sure he was kicking me and I wanted him badly to stay in there and be okay, but he wasn’t real to me yet.
I still had no faith. No faith that I would actually get the happy ending I had fantasised about. No faith in his health and safe arrival.
And still, our baby was stronger than that and we were discharged on antibiotics.
I made it through the horrible 25-34 week period and started to actually believe that we might not go into preterm labour. I started to make plans for the actual birthing of this little one, I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t afraid to make sure Nathan knew it (basically, only Nathan in delivery with me, no one waiting in the waiting rooms etc).
Until I birthed Isaac into my hands and heard his cry, I didn’t believe that we would get there. Holding him was simply a relief, listening to him breathe was a balm for all my worries.
It took a long time for us to get our happy ending and until I held our little boy, I truly believed that it wouldn’t happen. Spending an entire pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop is not something I ever want to do again.
And now, he is here and he is real. I have the gnawed on nipples and bags under my eyes to prove it.
But however hard it was, I wouldn’t trade this; my journey, for the world, because in the end, our son was stronger than anything else.
My daughters dad was 13 years older than me. He had a 10 year old and a 6 year old. I went through all the amazment/awe/wonder through my pregnancy, he just went “oh?”. Then at 6 months, they couldn’t find a heart beat, and he cried. It was so strange, I shut down, he found emotion and got angry. It was such a switch, and it was scary. Luckily all turned out well, but he was so nonchalont up to that moment, and I was so patient and then we did a complete 180degree change. I couldn’t handle it, so I switched off, he went into overdrive. We react so differently, yet we both wanted the same outcome, a healthy baby. I completely understand your emotions, and lack of emotions… and thankfully we both have beautiful children as a result.
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I never knew your story. I think his birth makes everything sweeter. I’m so glad he came into the world. You are all very blessed, I am so happy for you.
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OH MY DEAR GIRL,,, he is beautiful and such a hard thing for you at such a young age to deal with. ENJOY THOSE BABIES,, they are both so sweet……. NOW RELAX and enjoy
Just a moms last blog post..18 HOURS!!!!!
The last week or so of pregnancy is always the worst because you have come so far but things could still go so horribly wrong… I love you sweety
frogpondsrocks last blog post..Sulking…hmmmph! I don’t sulk!!
Oh Veronica, what you’ve articulated here is such a shared story, for so many women. Enjoy your beautiful boy (and your gnawed on nipples 😉 ). How’s the pelvis hangin’ by the way?
xx
Alis last blog post..The eyes have it
This is beautifully written, Veronica!
I must admit that I held my breath for you and myself!
Isaac is amazing and gorgeous!
Loved this post, you really articulated what so many of us feel. It took us six months to conceive this baby but I have been blessed with a quiet sense of peace about the pregnancy and have had a very easy time of it. I hope it means I get to take home my own sweet baby to gnaw at my nipples!
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This is a very emotional story. I had no idea you’d given up so much hope. I can just picture Isaac in there thinking to himself, “Giving up eh? I’ll show her”. The boy has plenty of determination, thta’s for sure.
Wow. I am glad you made it through all that. I got pregnant easily (really easily in Thor’s case, he was a complete surprise) had easy pregnancies, and my kids have been relatively healthy. I feel really lucky.
And honestly, while your baby is adorable and I love babies and I loved being pregnant and having toddlers, when I read about your sleepless nights, I am pretty damn glad it is you and not me. I lived through three kids who hated sleeping, Thor who had his days and nights reversed for a couple months as a newborn, the middle of the night drinks of water. Whoa. Really miss some things about babies and toddlers, others, not so much!
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Beautiful.
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Thank you for sharing that. I’m so glad you have the son, and finally the peace, that you deserve. Well done Isaac for hanging on in there.
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What a beautiful tribute and a special little boy. I know the feeling of trying and waiting to fall pregnant. I never did after I had my daughter and I tried for a good 9 or 10 years! Eventually gave up. At least I had a healthy little girl (she’ll be 21 this year!). That waiting in anticipation is awful!! You’re blessed with your pigeon pair! Enjoy!
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Aww sweety, what a beautiful piece. I’m so happy for you that you have your little boy in your arms. 🙂
((hugs))
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what a beautiful piece of writing.. i love it..
he is so cute and has so much damn hair 🙂
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Hims a sweeetie. Isn’t im? Mmmmm *smooch*
So happy for you!!!
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he’s a little miracle.
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Well done you.
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I could have written this. I am feeling the same way. Wow.
He is certainly beautiful and strong.
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Yeay!
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When you started posting about “get this baby out, already!” it made me smile so hard, because I remembered only too clearly your worried posts about not conceiving, and about the spotting earlier in your pregnancy. I’m so glad that Isaac is here, and healthy, and strong. Hugs honey, those precious moments with our babies make all the worry and heartache worth it, don’t they?
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I’m all misty-eyed.
I am in tears. We’re going on month 8 of TTC. I can certainly understand why you kept holding your breath after testing positive and all the subsequent bumps in the road.
So happy for you. So happy that you ALL made it through this long, arduous journey unscathed.
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That 24 week point was a nightmare from this side of the world, I can’t even try to imagine what it was like at your end.
That photo says it all though, and so much more.
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He is totally, completely gorgeous. I followed you so closely because I went through so much that was the same with both my sons. I remember the doctor told me after the first one that the chances of going through that again was slim to none. I guess I fell in the slim part. In the end, I got two great boys for it though. They were definitely worth it.
Beautiful Isaac will be worth it too.
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Tears in my eyes. Thanks, Veronica! What a heart-touching story.
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v belated congrats on the birth of your utterly adorable son (had a quick check in and knew he’d arrived and felt my heart soar a little as it’s not really supposed to for ‘strangers’ 🙂 – was at home in ireland showing off my little wonderman)…what a journey you’ve both been on already, but worth every second. lookin forward to catchin up with the posts and findin out how amy is taking her dethroning!
x
I can’t imagine the emotion you must feel flooded with at this point. It all turned out well, and I’m so happy!
He is just so gorgeous.
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Dear Mother Nature…. What Gives?
That was so beautifully written. Heart breaking, emotional, uncertain and triumphant.
I understand that fear and it is hard to shake off, even though your amazing little man is here. When you carry all that fear, it’s hard to have faith.
You are an amazing person and Isaac, just as amazing, was meant to be a part of your world.
Hugs to you.
tiffs last blog post..Thursday.
That was so beautiful Veronica.
It puts all of my feelings into words, this is exactly how I have been feeling all the way through. I didn’t expect mine to make it and am still terrified about it making it through birth. I just want it to be here safely and healthy. I worry if I havent felt it kick, and I smile when it does kick and feel relieved. I also held my breath at the ultrasounds…and let it go when they announced that this is a very healthy baby.
I’m so glad you are grateful because so many times I see families where the parents dont even care about their children and then I see couples who are having trouble even conceiving.
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What a great reflection on the journey. He is a trooper and has some things to teach you I guess. Hugs, I am so stoked for you and your family.
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Beautifully written Veronica. I know just what you mean about shutting down as I did that with both of my successful pregnancies (eight miscarriages will do that to even the most optimistic would-be Mummy). But it was all worth it in the end and now for you too. You and Nathan have that wonderful healthy little boy to be a baby brother for Amy. And he’s so worth those bags under the eyes, stretchmarks and nibbled nipples 😉
so beautifully written and I can so relate…. yay for the nibbled nipples and the eye bags hey.
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Oh my goodness, Veronica! This post had me bawling my eyes out! I can totally relate. After all, you know the story of how Little One entered the world and all the trials she had to go through just to be with her mum and dad 🙂
Your baby boy is precious….such a perfect little bundle of joy and love! XO
Cs last blog post..YUZU
I don’t think I stopped feeling that way until Alexis was 6 months old. This parenting stuff is scary.
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I’m so glad things worked out. Anxiety can eat your alive.
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Er, “you”. This is what comes of commenting before coffee.
Robin G.s last blog post..Play that funky music, white boy
oh veronica. i know it was such a long road for you. i am so very happy that you have your precious baby boy!
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Adorable boy there – after you spend so much time doubting it would happen, I imagine that the feeling was even more amazing from it – congratulations!
I am in awe of your strength. You are brave and amazing. I’m sorry it has been so hard for you. Congratulations again!
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Im so happy you guys finally got your happy ending. I can only imagine how tough everything was for you all.
Issac sounds likes a wonderful little man.
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Beautiful.
So glad he is here with you, hon.
I love the photo of you at the end of the birth story. So damn lovely.
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