Sleepless Nights

Blog

  • Team Ivy

    I’ve blogged about Ivy before, see here and here.

    But this? This is what one community can do.

    Over $2000 raised for the John Hunter Children’s Hospital.

    Amazing.

  • Happy Birthday Nathan

    Happy Birthday Nathan!

    I don’t know what we’d do without you.

    (For everyone else, I’ve been exhausted lately, my new meds are working, but leaving me with very few spoons to do things like internet with. My reader is exploding and I’m very sorry, I’ll hopefully be back about soon.)

  • Transparency and should the little people get a say?

    This fortnight I participated in the Pioneer Woman’s photography challenge, like I do most fortnights and I didn’t get picked. Which honestly, doesn’t bother me. The quality of the photos chosen as the finalists was amazing, so please, don’t think that this is a sour grapes post.

    Not at all.

    Instead, I thought I’d ask some questions about stuff I’ve been witnessing all around the blogosphere.

    Regularly, in the PW flickr group discussion boards, you see people pop up discussions on the photographers repeatedly being picked. A member questioned why this was and did we think that Ree had favourites that she went back to over and over again?

    The entire conversation stayed polite, as the original poster had asked politely and I was interested to read the responses.

    Eventually, Ree herself commented and explained how she chooses the finalists and that satisfied everyone.

    However.

    And this is where I start to wonder about readers and large bloggers with fans and such.

    A lot of the comments made after the original post said something like this.

    ‘Ree’s competition, Ree’s rules, Ree’s choice. We don’t get to question how she chooses the winners and who cares how she picks them anyway, we should just be grateful that we get to participate.’ (note, no one person said that, but it was the general gist of some comments on this thread and in previous discussions about the same thing)

    Which okay, fair enough. But, it seems to me that if you dare to disagree with a big blogger, or question how or why they do something, then prepare to be bitterly opposed – not by the blogger themself, but by a small portion of readers, the fans who think whatever said blogger does is fantabulous and us plebs don’t get to question.

    Look, I’m not having a go at Ree, or the competition, because I love participating and it’s great fun. I’ve found some of my favourite photographers that way and I’m not going to stop playing. Ree is just a handy dandy example of some things I’ve witnessed elsewhere in the blogosphere too.

    So, I wanted to explore the ‘don’t you dare disagree’ mentality that a very small percentage of people seem to have.

    Do you think that we, as readers of large blogs like Dooce, and Pioneer Woman and other ones I can’t think of right now, deserve to know how winners of competitions are chosen? Do you think we have the right to question how and why things are done?

    I’m not talking about trolling, or being nasty, but asking a simple question – ‘I’m curious as to how you pick the winners, I’ve noticed a lot of the same people being chosen, are they your friends, or do you just like their photos and keep coming back to them?’

    Or ‘You’ve got a new sponsor, are they a product you endorse, or are they just paying the bills?’

    It comes down to a line I read that immediately made me question who I was and how I was reading blogs. It said –

    ‘Who are we to question how she does something?’

    And here I am, questioning how we interact as readers and writers of blogs.

    Who are WE to question?

    WE are the entire reason a big blogger is big. We are the readers, the page views, the sponsors, the commenters. We are every reason that someone is where they are.

    Just like YOU.

    YOU are the reason that I don’t feel like I’m shouting into the internet wilderness. YOU are the reason I keep writing and YOU are the reason I make book money off my blog. YOU.

    So if you question me, I think you’ve got as much right to an answer from me (a small blogger by anyone’s count) as I’ve got to an answer from Ree.

    I understand that bloggers like Ree and others with large readerships are a lot more time poor than I am and I honestly wouldn’t expect a personal response to one question. But if 20 people before me have brought up a subject and wondered about it, I think an answer is in order.

    Which in this case, Ree provided, and it satisfied everyone (including me, who had also wondered how the photos were chosen).

    But that didn’t stop people jumping on the girl who had asked the question and yelling (figuratively) How DARE you question!!

    So I’m curious – do you think we as readers, have the right to question how a large blog runs a competition/picks a sponsor/chooses a winner?

    Do we have the right to expect transparency from them? I know blogging is only a tiny slice of life and you can’t understand exactly how things work from a blog, but I’m talking simple transparency here.

    As a reader and writer of blogs, I’m inclined to say yes. A large blog readership doesn’t exempt you from questions about how and why you do something and I honestly believe that the larger your readership gets, the more up front and transparent you need to be.

    Maybe though, maybe I’m just up on my soapbox, shouting into the wilderness and poking things that don’t need poking.

    What do you think?

    ***

    As a disclaimer so that no one gets upset with me, I like Ree, she seems like a lovely person. I am not a regular reader of her blog, but I do click over every few weeks to check out what she is up to and watch for recipes I can adapt to gluten free. I also participate in the photgraphy challenges when I can and enjoy looking at the winners.

    I’m also not complaining about anything here, I noticed the behaviour and thought it curious and wanted to know what you guys thought. If I was running a comp, would you question how I was choosing winners? (I would hope so, if I didn’t mention that already.) Actually, speaking of which, competition, have you entered?

    So yeah, just curious.

  • Death, Books and a Giveaway

    In the leadup to the anniversary of Nan’s death, I started buying books again. Lots of books. At the moment I am waiting for 10 or so books to arrive and they’ll trickle in over the next few weeks.

    Watching my bookshelves fill up has been easier than watching everything else fall apart, just a little.

    So, the 12 month anniversary was yesterday. And I could have written a post detailing all the ways in which I miss my grandmother, but I didn’t, because that litany runs through my head often enough to make it useless for the blog.

    Bleh.

    I should have just stayed home actually – I went out with Mum and Davey, and I was grumpy and out of sorts. A day on the couch with a book probably would have suited me to a tee. That said, it was good to see my great-great grandmother and who can pass up scones with jam and cream?

    Today, I am tired and a little fragile, but I’ll be okay. I will be okay.

    Anyway! The crux of this entirely crappy post.

    I have a giveaway, sponsored by Microsoft, for you.

    On offer is one copy of Office Home and Business 2010, valued at $379.

    It’s got many different features and stuff as detailed here, but basically, it’s the new and shiny Office program, that most of us can’t afford. So I’m giving away a copy.

    To Enter:

    Leave me a comment, telling me what you do to make youself happy.

    For an extra entry you can

    -subscribe to my blog – make sure you leave a comment letting me know you’ve subscribed.
    -tweet this giveaway – again, let me know on twitter (@SleeplessNights) that you’ve tweeted it.
    – link to this giveaway in your own blog. You don’t have to write a whole post, just a link.

    Those extra three things will give you an extra entry.

    Creativity is welcomed, but only because it will make me smile and love you forever. Winners will be drawn using random.org. This giveaway is open to Australian and Overseas residents alike.

    One comment per person, unless you’re coming back to let me know about extra entries.

    The competition will close at 10pm EST (Australian Time)on July 2nd, which gives you a week.

    So, comment away!

  • A confession. Or, a post where I fall apart a little.

    I have anxiety issues.

    Which is not much in itself, but after Nan died, my anxiety spiralled to the point where I’m anxious or stressed for most of the day. I have panic attacks and they’re getting worse. If Nathan goes out to get milk, I watch the clock and panic if he takes longer than he should. Worst case scenarios run through my brain most of the time.

    And really, I’ve always been a little obsessed with the macabre and the broken, but this is ridiculous you know?

    I don’t talk about these things, with anyone really, except to mention them in an understated way. Who wants to hear about how the inside of my head is all fucked up? Plus, my body is so fucked up that talking about any of it threatens to drown me with just how shit it all is. Not letting anyone pity me is my lifeline to not pitying myself and falling apart.

    Since Nan died I’ve stopped talking. I used to be able to talk about whatever was bothering me, but now, I’m repressing everything. Every.Thing. Which is annoying in itself, because the sensible part of my head tells me that talking about the issues would make them only half as annoying, but it seems to stick in my throat. I talk to myself inside my head, but I can’t make my mouth form the words. I have panic attacks and breathe through them, not letting anyone see that they’re happening. Or I hide, in the toilet, in my bedroom, in front of the computer. They pass and I resurface.

    It could be part of grieving, or, I suspect, the grieving has made it easier to repress everything. I don’t have time to fall apart. I pull myself together and go on coping and inside, something is curling up and dying because I can’t acknowledge just how badly I’m doing.

    Fake it until you make it, isn’t that what they say?

    Case in point:

    There is an abandoned house at the end of my street, about 400m away that I want to photograph (again). I live in a tiny country town, on a large highway. I can see the fucking house from my lounge room window, but do you think I can make myself leave the house with my camera and walk up there?

    No. I can’t.

    I can’t bring myself to leave the house alone and walk, 400 fucking metres away to take a photo. If Nathan stood outside he’d be able to see me the whole time and I cannot do it.

    When Amy was a baby, I used to walk into Hobart regularly. I lived about 40 minutes walk from the city and I would just walk. To the supermarket, to the Reserve, to my mothers group. I would walk, everywhere.

    Now, I struggle to leave the house and I absolutely can’t go anywhere by myself.

    And it’s stupid, it’s really stupid. It’s the little things like having a panic attack because I’m outside alone at 8pm in the dark photographing the sky. ON MY OWN PROPERTY. It’s not like I live anywhere dangerous.

    It feels like I’m at the bottom of a well, with the walls closing in on me, telling myself how fucking stupid I was to get in here in the first place and why don’t I just climb out? But I can’t.

    I went to a rheumatologist yesterday and left feeling good about the appointment. She’s worked out a new pain management regime for me, including something to help me sleep. Something that in a larger dose, works as an anti-depressant. And all I felt was relieved because now, maybe the anxiety induced insomnia will ease and at the very least, I might be able to sleep.

    Last night, I fell apart. Everything culminated and I sobbed for hours. Nathan didn’t know what was wrong because I couldn’t tell him and honestly, after 12 months, it feels stupid to be falling apart because I miss my grandmother. I know it isn’t stupid, but it feels it you know? Like there is a set time for grieving and then we’re meant to be okay. Nathan ended up falling asleep and I sobbed more because dammit, can’t you read my mind?

    And funny, I don’t feel any better today. I just feel heavy and tired and sad.

    As I sat in the dark silently screaming and letting myself feel the pain that the grief brings, I contemplated running a bath, or going for a walk. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because I’m fairly sure if I’d laid in a bath, I would have slipped under the water and not been able to surface and the thought of walking, even around my property in the dark triggered another panic attack. The dark parts of the night are funny like that.

    Instead, I kicked Nathan because he was snoring too loudly and went and snuggled my sleeping daughter for a while.

    So this is me, writing about it.

    I’m not coping.

    I’m sad and heavy and broken.

    I’m stressed and snappy and probably damn unpleasant to live with.

    My panic attacks are getting crippling.

    I can’t talk about it at all, out loud, but I’m hoping that I can write about it – and the people who matter most all read my blog anyway, so I won’t have to talk about it.

    And at the very least, the new pain management regime will help with the peripheral issues and make me feel less like I’m only holding onto my sanity by my fingertips.

    It’s been 52 weeks since Nan died, exactly 12 months tomorrow and I think I’m falling apart. I think I’m going insane.

    Note: I’m going to give the new painkillers and stuff a go for a month. If I’m still not sleeping/falling apart/having panic attacks, I’ll go and see my GP to talk about it. So please, don’t worry about me too much!